As you may recall, I broke into your house a while back. I smashed several windows on my way in, tripped an incredibly piercing alarm, cracked a particularly pesky safe, stole a bunch of your shit, and then smashed several more windows on my way out.
A decent amount of time has passed since that little incident, and you’ve made it uncomfortably and, much worse, inconveniently clear that what I did violated numerous social customs and even several laws (whoopsie!). I’d like now to announce that I have heard your grievances, and, in the ultimate act of repentance, I think you will be very pleased to hear that I will be donating everything I stole to Goodwill.
You heard that right. All of it. Every single piece of shit I stole is going straight to Goodwill just as soon as I finish typing this up and posting it so everyone can see just how much I regret what I did.
See, I know what I did was wrong—or, at least, I know that what I did has the potential to really damage my public image and other people’s opinion of me, and that it’s in my own best interest to scramble madly for a way to keep all that from happening.
And yes, before you ask, this is the best I could come up with—I mean, what was supposed to do? Not break into your house and steal a bunch of your shit in the first place? Come on, how often does a person even get that opportunity? You just can’t pass something like that up!
Now, should I have known that breaking into someone’s house and stealing a bunch of their shit would upset them and be seen as an all-around dick move? I think the better question is, was I fully and completely aware of all of these things and simply chose to ignore them because I couldn’t stop thinking about how absolutely dope it’d be to wear your pilling Nike sweatpants around and pull shards of smashed window glass out of my hands for a few weeks afterward for the privilege?
The answer is yes—to all of that.
I am confident that, by virtue of you reading to this point, you have completely forgiven me for everything and, let’s be honest, you’re probably applauding my gesture and commending the bravery it took for me to come forward and admit that this shitty thing I did was, indeed, shitty.
I mean, it’s incredible enough that I was able to rationalize breaking into your house and stealing a bunch of your shit in the first place, but the fact that I also have the balls to make this big public statement that puts the onus on you and, on top of that, act as if I’m doing you a favor? That, my friend, is simply what makes me the selfless breaker-and-enterer that I always have been, and always will be.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I’m so glad everything is all good between us now. I do hope that you will continue to follow my career, I’m particularly excited about my upcoming project: Mailing myself a parcel bomb and then acting genuinely perplexed when it blows up in my face.
Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.