Homepage / Fake News / Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 10, 2017 - The Onion
A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe Someone Broke Into Our Hulu Account An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled for next Games FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting The Self-Applauding President… but Will He Go Blind? Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun What It's Like Being An Adult Getting a Credit Card For the First Time Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War The 6 Stages of Watching an Olympic Sport Episode 3: Calloway Day If Movies Had Honest Titles (February 2018 Edition) Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling @TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President In Exclusive Interview “World’s Most Interesting Man” Endorses SatireWorld New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam I Used A Robot To Write A Comic And It Got Very Weird The Cherry Pickers | HumorFeed New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement Long-term couple say Valentine’s Day was ‘nothing special’ But I’m Oppressed! (SPOILER: No You’re Not!) (2/4) Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant Bad Polling Is Ruining Everything Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military Stop Telling Kids How Easy They Have It White House Compare Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?” 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub Funniest Poker Moments – Humor Times, Humor Times ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens The South is Rising Again ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies The Cherry Pickers – Will Durst, Humor Times Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche What All 17 Year Olds Who Aren’t Winning Olympic Golds Are Doing Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community Emily & Murph Wrote A Book About Relationships, Love, and Other Junk Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline Rand Paul Beaten by Other Neighbor The Sunny Side Of The Street Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program (satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts……..according to Nopes! #144 White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers There Is No P.F. Chang’s In PyeongChang | Adobo Chronicles Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day Ra Wins Westminster God Show Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 13, 2018 You're All a Bunch of Phone Zombies Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes Gwyneth Paltrow’s Valentine’s Day Essentials Please Reconsider Me for the Role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1” Detective Refuses To Pry Into Circumstances Of Murder Out Of Respect For Deceased Report: Whoa, Last Person On Treadmill Ran 8 Miles Olympic Drug Testing Official Left Horribly Disfigured After Coming Into Contact With Russian Urine Living On Campus vs. Living Off Campus Episode 2: What I Know And What I Don’t Know Yet Woody Allen’s Greatest Victims: Guys Who Can No Longer Say “Annie Hall” Is Their Favorite Romantic Comedy Cities Move To Outlaw Hollow-Point Silver Bullets After Wave Of Gruesome Werewolf Slayings Bannon: #MeToo Movement Could Spell End For Trump Throckmorton P. Trudblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column” | You make the news…We report it! Nation Praying For Super Nasty Luge Accident Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 12, 2018 Italian Grandmother Doesn’t Have Heart To Tell Family Any Dipshit Can Make Lasagna Quentin Tarantino Calls Uma Thurman Accident Biggest Regret Of His Life 15 Steps To Becoming a Youtube Star

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 10, 2017 – The Onion

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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.

  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will seem as if you’ve finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.

  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.

  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don’t let them get too close if you value your life.

  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are two kinds of people in this world, and you’re almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.

  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn’t tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.

  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you’ll be listening for the governor’s phone call.

  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While there’s no shame in admitting you don’t know everything, there’s actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can’t figure out how to eat chips and salsa.

  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: It doesn’t matter how well the bear dances, because it’s impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.

  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.

  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.

  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the Universe save that we make and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you’ll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.




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