Homepage / News Satire / Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 4, 2017
Coffee Shop Customer Asks If Guy At Next Table Would Mind Watching While He Goes To Bathroom Employee Leaving Company Unsure How To Break It To Coworkers Who Don’t Really Care Whether He Lives Or Dies NASA Developing Spacecraft To Stop Possible Asteroid Strike In 2135 On the Ground, Over the Air, Across Platforms, Viacom Supports Youth-Led March For Our Lives – Viacom Corporate Is It Time For The NCAA To Start Paying The Coaches? John Bolton Warns War With North Korea Won’t Be Cakewalk Like Iraq Stormy Daniels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview To Air This Weekend The Best Feelings of the Week (3/23/2018) Apple Recalls Thousands Of Earbuds That Unexpectedly Bloomed Things You Can Do Around Mike Pence Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His Image Yosemite National Park Completes Construction On New 6-Lane Scenic Driving Trail Psychopath Joins Fourth Straight Republican Administration Introducing Old Navy Body Armor! Sound Off Friends Trying On Each Other’s Glasses Revel In Glorious Mayhem Of Having Slightly Different Prescriptions U.S. Military Announces Plan To Consolidate All Wars Into Final, Epic Battle The Five Stages of Switching Your Twitter Account to Public Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire Trump Dismisses HR McMaster, Hires HR PufnStuf to Oversee National Security American People Admit Having Facebook Data Stolen Kind Of Worth It To Watch That Little Fucker Squirm Authorities Claim The True Austin Bomber Was Everyone Who Failed This Sensitive, Promising Kid Will Missing The NCAA Tournament Affect Sister Jean’s Draft Stock? Being Naked Around Your Pet WhatsApp Co-Founder Joins #DeleteFacebook Movement NAACP Issues Travel Warning For Black Americans Visiting Own Backyards ‘You Are The Jewel Of My Collection,’ Says Saudi Prince While Guiding Frightened Jared Kushner Toward Harem Classically Trained Actor Can Talk On Cue Viacom Gets Social with 35 Finalist Spots for 2018 Shorty Awards – Viacom Corporate Damning Evidence Shows Actor Al Jolson Wearing Blackface Satire World’s ‘March for Life’ Photo of the Day The Diary of Elon Musk’s Space Mannequin Traffic Judge Fired After Showing Off His Genital Photos To A Court Clerk Tips For A Successful Parent-Teacher Conference Mark Zuckerberg Promises That Misuse Of Facebook User Data Will Happen Again And Again  Tinder’s Parent Company Suing Bumble For Patent Infringement We Watched the Pokemon Porn Parody So You Don’t Have To Yelp Reviews of Cemeteries from Actual Residents Memes from My Appalachia Spring Road Trip ‘Rearranging the Chairs on the Trumptanic’ It’s the Humor Times 27th Anniversary Issue! Get Your Copy! Johnny Rockets Customer Terrified After Evidently Falling Through Wormhole Into 1950s 7 Reasons Coffee and Alcohol are Basically the Same Snoring May Increase Risk Of Having Throat Slit During Night By Loved One World’s Last Male Northern White Rhino Dies After Health Complications Foreign Sex Aid | The Sleaze | UK News Satire and Humour Why You Shouldn’t Delete Your Facebook Account Hateful Heroes | The Sleaze | UK News Satire and Humour Old Man's Son Also Old Man Left Handed Guns | The Sleaze | UK News Satire and Humour Facebook Algorithm Mortified It Has To Deliver Up So Much Embarrassing News About Own Company Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall How to Interpret Requests for Lawyer Animals Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations Bride Has To Admit It’d Be Pretty Exciting If Someone Objected At Wedding Trump Made Senior Staff Sign NDAs That Last Beyond Presidency Obama Calls Putin To Congratulate His Chicago-style Election Win Inspector Dirty Harry Callahan Leads Your Girl Scout Troop’s Cookie Sale Top Ten Excuses Why Trump’s Lawyers Nix a Face-to-Face Thieves in the Suites – Jim Hightower, Humor Times March Madness in the White House The Taste of Hillary | You make the news…We report it! Dog Dies On United Flight After Being Stowed In Overhead Bin Key 2018 Election Primaries To Watch Uber Self-Driving Car Strikes And Kills Pedestrian In Arizona 9 Things About Having Depression Nobody Tells You About Mark Zuckerberg: ‘You Should Be Grateful All Your Incessant Oversharing Online Is Actually Worth Something’ ‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 20, 2018 We Bet We Know What Kind of Pokemon You Are Based On Your Personal Information I Want My Daughter Back, You Son Of A Bitch vs. Duh, That’s How A Kidnapping Works The Lost Sex and the City Episode That Predicted Cynthia Nixon’s Run ‘My God, I’ve Discovered The Missing Link In The Russia Investigation,’ Think 379,000 Reddit Users Simultaneously Breaking Down the Trump Administration’s Moves and Their Impact on the Tanking Effort Fingerprints On Bathroom Stall Hopefully Just Menstrual Blood Tinker Traitor Soldya Trump Surrendering Trump Boys Solemnly Salute Each Other Before Leaping From White House First-Story Window Pelosi Brain Freeze Episodes Worsen NFL Sues EA To End Production Of Unlicensed ‘Madden’ Video Games Freak Totally Has The Hots For You, Popular-Girl Sources Report Dave From Admissions and Juliet: A Tale of Unrequited Love Toys ‘R’ Us Prepares To Liquidate Business Tulip Popping Up In Middle Of March Must Think It Some Kind Of Hotshot Top ​​Benefits ​​Of​​ Being ​​A​​ Risk-Taker Putin Wins Russian Election Dad Recommends Hotel 10 Miles Away From City You’re Visiting Friend Who Listened To Podcast On Watergate Bursts Into Conversation With Guns Fucking Blazing Midterm Malfunctions – Will Durst, Humor Times Andrew McCabe Spending Few Days As Congressional Bathroom Attendant To Satisfy Pension Requirements Hacker Just Going To Fix A Few Annoying Typos On Company’s Website Before Stealing Customer Data GoodTime®, The Hot New Dating App The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 19, 2018 Completely Unfair That Man Ended Up On Sex Offender Registry Just For Public Urination On A Child Embarrassed Whale Panicking About Huge Barnacle Outbreak Before Date I Am a Designer with a Capital “D” and This Temper-Tantrum that I’m Throwing Right Now is My Latest Masterpiece Trump Hoping To Ride Putin Win To Victory In 2018 Midterm Elections NRA, Facing Increasing Hatred From U.S. Citizens, Reacts with More Intimidating Propaganda Tactics Huckabee Kids Wear Wire at Breakfast Stormy Daniels and President Trump Settle: She is to Replace Sanders

News Satire

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 4, 2017

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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.

  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.

  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.

  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.

  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.

  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.

  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is not at all good for you.

  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.

  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.

  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It turns out that it’s neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.

  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ll realize too late that there’s more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you’re laying in slowly fills up with your excrement.

  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll learn that there are some things that money can’t buy. For instance, with your record, you’re forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase Girl Scout cookies.

  • www.theonion.com/horoscope/your-horoscopes-week-july-4-2017-56358?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds