Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This week’s revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you’ve been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When the moment of truth you’ve been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you’ll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it’s all been the cat’s fault.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you’re free to go.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Just as you’ve always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of “getting girls.”
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn’t like the time with the horse laxatives.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Someday you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week’s experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life’s lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you’ll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you’re trying to start new projects at work.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.