Homepage / Fake News / Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 1, 2017 - The Onion
The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All Which NCAA Tournament Team Will Struggle Most With The Pressure Of Playing Under FBI Surveillance? Hank’s Upset That The Office Rejected His Bracket For Being 3 Minutes Late Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House Facebook Announces Plan To Combat Fake News Stories By Making Them Actually Happen Vagina Has Five O'Clock Shadow Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey Here's the Updated Teacher Training Manual Approved By the NRA Ford Recalls 1.4 Million Cars Because Their Steering Wheels Might Come Off The Stages of Spring Cleaning Vatican Delays This Year’s Easter Sunday By One Week | Adobo Chronicles Rick Perry Apologizes For Trying To Outdo Fellow Cabinet Members By Using $72 Million Of Taxpayer Funds On Lampshade Teach For America Celebrates 3 Decades Of Helping Recent Graduates Pad Out Law School Applications Obama Character Witness Testimony At Saudi Perverts Trial Donald Trump Jr. Divorce Leaves Confused, Heartbroken Nation Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People Lowe’s Introduces 2-Way Ladder User Can Also Climb Down The 5 Absolute Best Feelings of the Week (3/16/2018) ‘I Must Make Sure You Have The Skills To Please My Grandson,’ Says Queen Elizabeth Disrobing Before Meghan Markle Stages of Grief About The Election in Aerobics Classes Why Is March Madness The Only Time We Get To See Good, Old Fashioned, Fundamental Gambling? Paul Giamatti Cuts Back On Acting To Focus On Signature Line Of Shapeless Khakis, Rumpled Polos Buttered Popcorn Tops Rankings Of Favorite Jelly Bean Flavor Oh No, I’m Trapped in a Very Special Episode! Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day Man Forgives Basketball Hoop That Taunted Him As A Child NASA Study Reveals 7% Of Astronaut’s Genes Change Thousands Of Students Nationwide Walk Out Of Schools In Gun Protest Exhausted Mueller Trying To Find Trump Organization Russia Documents Amid Thousands Of Harassment Lawsuits ‘You Did The Best You Could,’ Says Iron Man Action Figure Voiced By Despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO Packing Up Office 8 Seemingly Boring Things You Don’t Think You Care About Until You Grow Up Molly Hatchet Posts Surprise Upset In Former Deep Purple District ‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakery Elon Musk Embarrassed After Realizing He Proposing Idea For Thing That Already Exists Who’s Gonna Call the Lyft? 99% Of Employees Would Use Boss As Human Shield In Event Of Workplace Attack Dear Hiring Managers: Please Stop Asking About My Dark Past Bath & Body Works Unveils New Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare How Police Officers Get Away With Crimes Special Counsel Robert Mueller Spotted Leaving Gypsy Fortune Teller’s Shop Hawking’s voice synthesiser to carry on figuring sh*t out Friend’s Apartment Not Nice Enough To Be Asking People To Take Off Shoes DS-1 Orbital Battle Station Airbnb Listing Proud Billionaire Helps Young Son Open First Offshore Bank Account New Workplace Diversity Initiative Kills One White Employee Every Hour On The Hour Until More Minority Candidates Hired Transcript of Donald Trump’s Interview with Sean Hannity Tips For Securing Your Home Department Of Education Study Finds Only 30% Of Students Adequately Prepared For Spring Musical Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams Busy Schedule Forces Vladimir Putin To Move Up Election Win A Couple Days Early The 5 Stages of Meeting Someone New Scientology TV Network Sets Launch Heinz Introduces Industrial-Sized Ketchup Packet Angry Letters From a Dropped LEGO Block NRA Ad Director Still Searching For Right Sinister Music To Play Over Footage Of High Schoolers Hillary Blames Lingering Yeast Infection for 2016 Presidential Election Loss Remembering Stephen Hawking’s Remarkable Comedy Chops Border Wall Prototype Clearly Designed By Yayoi Kusama Who Needs an Amazon Echo When Your House is Haunted by the Ghost of a 17th Century Pirate Captain? If Movie Titles Were Honest (March 2018 Edition) Historians Say It Still A Mystery How People In Ancient Times Didn’t Just Go Crazy And Kill Themselves Stephen Hawking Leaves Behind Beautiful Legacy Of Unheeded Warnings To Humanity Last Cherry Tomato In Salad A Wily Little Bastard MIT Aims To Build Fusion Power Plant Within 15 Years Donald Trump Congratulates Duterte For Withdrawing From International Criminal Court Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird Leprechaun Stockbroker Innis McFreigh Likes Gold Entire Life Of Universe Flashes Before Stephen Hawking’s Eyes Mud In Your Eye Man Unsure How To Expose Self To Woman He Likes Without Coming Off As A Creep Secretary Of State Fired After Inappropriately Weighing In On International Politics Gina Haspel Recalls Having To Torture More Prisoners Than Male Colleagues To Prove Herself REASONS WHY BRING DOG HOME GOOD Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 13, 2018 It’s Trump Versus Everyone Else in Trevor Noah’s Bullsh*t Third Month Mania Tournament – Viacom Corporate Britain Blames Russia For Poisoning Of Former Spy Mike Pompeo Startled After Seeing 'Beware Of Hubris' Scrawled In Oil On Bathroom Mirror Rex Tillerson Shoots Mike Pompeo Quick Email Explaining All The Countries Populism: Everybody Does Better When Everybody Does Better I Just Found Out About Socks, And I’ve Gotta Say, Wow What One Year of Trump Feels Like Morale Low At State Department After Only Employee Fired Woman All Geared Up To Complain About Work Sidelined By Friend With Marital Problems Coca-Cola Will Launch First-Ever Alcoholic Drink In Japan Rex Tillerson Blindsided By News He Still Worked For State Department FDA Cancels Bacon Recall After Finding U.S. Population Already Ate It All Stormy Daniels Offers Joint Custody Of Hideous Lovechild Bone Spur Attack Forces President To Abandon Gun Legislation The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 12, 2018 Newborn Constantly Terrorized By Horrifying Shapeless Blobs Betsy DeVos Argues Issue Of Guns In Schools Should Be Fully Left Up To Individual Shooters Swans In Committed Relationship Barely Ever Arch Necks Into Heart Shape Anymore Daylight Saving Time Begins Evangelical Christians Urged to Support Trump Against Stormy Daniels Kinky Couple Has Mirror In Bathroom The Drone Report: New NRA Battle Plans Revealed CNN Panelists Warn North Korea Situation Way Too Complex For Them To Discuss Intelligently Trump to Hire Miss Universe Contestants as Staff to Foil Mueller Probe Port Dover, Canada To Get First Clothes Washing Machine CDC Rolls Out Fleet Of Narcan Biplanes To Fumigate Opioid-Ravaged Small Towns The 7 Women You'll Meet on Ladies' Night

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 1, 2017 – The Onion

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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.

  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week’s revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as you’ve been insisting for years that that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.

  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the moment of truth you’ve been praying for all these years will finally arrives, you’ll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it’s all been the cat’s fault.

  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you’ve ever known by the authorities, who insist your sentence is over and you’re free to go.

  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Just as you’ve always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of “getting girls.”

  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.

  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn’t like the time with the horse laxatives.

  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Someday you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week’s experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.

  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life’s lowest echelons from behind the scenes.

  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you’ll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you’re trying to start new projects at work.

  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.

  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.

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