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If you would like to unsubscribe again, please wait until the next full moon and perform a sacrifice of one fattened calf to the unsubscription system (all hail). Don’t spill any of the blood, you’ll need it later in the unsubscription process.

Prepare a poem to commemorate the occasion.

It should take between 10 and 17,923 weeks to process your sacrifice. If, during that time period, you so much as mutter the word “cancel” or any synonym, at any point in any conversation, the omnipresent system (all hail) will cancel your request and you will be permanently resubscribed to the email list.

Once the system (all hail) processes your request, we will send you an envelope sealed with a rare toxin found only in the wing tip of a blue-capped ifrit. If you try to open it with anything other than the counter-working antitoxin being produced by an underground lab in Nuuk, Greenland, you will suffer acute and instantaneous kidney failure, die a horrible death and your beneficiaries will be permanently resubscribed to this email list.

Inside the envelope, you will find a series of riddles that you must answer in the languages in which they are provided. (Note: Most riddles are in ancient Gaelic, Egyptian hieroglyphics, pre-modern Estonian and Sanskrit.)

Spelling counts.

Send the answers back to us in an envelope woven from the vibrissae of a Patagonian fox and use only an 1867 Benjamin Franklin stamp. For a sealant, use the toxin found in the gums of a Komodo Dragon (we recommend swabbing with a Q-Tip). Any other envelope configuration or stamp will render your answers obsolete and the envelope will be sent to counterterrorism services to be treated as a threat against the state for the toxin you so unwisely used as a sealant. We will provide them with incriminating photographs acquired by our in-house private investigator, Colonel Heathcliff, who has been following you since you first clicked “unsubscribe from this list” (don’t bother looking for him, the Colonel is only seen when he wants to be seen).

If you answered all the riddles correctly, you will then be forwarded the recent email exchange between the creator of the system (all hail), Yusef, and his wife Kiki. They have been fighting for months, but Yusef refuses to go to marriage counseling. Counsel Yusef (not Kiki). But don’t make it obvious that you’re counseling him, because he hates being counseled. If they split up in any way, including but not limited to divorce, we will sell your information at auction to the highest bidder and never speak with you again, you jerk.

Once you have consolidated Yusef’s and Kiki’s marriage, on the next full moon, bring the blood from your sacrifice and stand on the exact spot in which the original ritual was performed. Pour the blood over your head while reciting the Magna Carta in Latin from memory. If you mess up a line, Colonel Heathcliff (who is fluent in all forms of Latin) will break your kneecaps with a bowling pin and you will be permanently resubscribed to this email list.

Immediately upon recitation, the unsubscription system (all hail) will review your cancellation request before a tribunal of the most high. You may or may not need a transcendent lawyer. You will still be subscribed to this mailing list during the cancellation process.

We’re sorry to see you go!

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