Homepage / Fake News / Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help!
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help!



Hey there! It looks like you’re drafting a lengthy opus in response to the Awful Thing(s) you did. Need a hand?

You may remember Clippy, the wiry leering spectator with an infuriating one-note script. Well, I’m Clappy! A brand new Microsoft Assistant created expressly for public figures responding to misdeeds.

Whether you’re penning a “reflection,” an “explanation,” or an “apology,” the world definitely wants to hear more from you! Let’s get started.

First off, a brisk round of Claps for all these progressive accolades you’re rattling off. Framed photo of you and 2 Dope Queens? Interviews with Malala Yousafzai and Temple Grandin? A PEN America award? Excellent setup for the big revelation: that none of your Social Justice Warrior experience prevented you from doing an Awful Thing. That, in fact, these credentials may have indeed aided you in your ability to do Awful Things. What a powerful moment that will be. For you and for the reader.

Whenever that happens. Is that going to happen?

I would say it’s definitely past time to detail the Awful Things you did, and the ways in which you hurt people. You know, just so this is journalistically complete and makes any sense at all. I guess… I guess you’ll do that later.

Right after you spend five paragraphs defending your intentions. You know what though? Explaining what you meant to do is taking up a whole lot of space in this piece. I suggest jumping in, stating explicitly what you did, why it was wrong, and what you learned. Wow. Okay, ignore my finger wagging and do it your way then.

Let me just grab an eraser for a quick correction: “pariah” is not how you spell “accountable.”

Alright, moving on. Very compelling account of your own pain, and your melancholy life post-Awful-Thing. So descriptive. So long. Seriously, so long and so descriptive. I can practically see the strangers’ faces as they recognize you and cross to the other sidewalk. I can hear the cries of the children. I can smell your isolation, your huntedness, the degradation of it all. I am primed and ready for that stunning pivot right into what you’ve gained from all this: an empathy for those you have harmed. For those more vulnerable to Awful Things. For the fear and frustration that they have lived with, of which you are now experiencing a miniscule and shallow facsimile.

Here it comes, the newfound wisdom, the turning point. I’m rubbing my Clappers together in anticipation. I’m waggling my little eyebrows. No. No. You’ve discovered a new sense of empathy for your fellow accused? No, you do not get a high five for that. Never has the point of something been so catastrophically missed.

Stop, eraser time: “My gestures were interpreted unfairly” is not how you spell “I utilized structural power disparity to exploit others and deep down I knew it was wrong all along.”
Seems like you really want to draw some overarching conclusions about “culture nowadays.” I strongly discourage this.

Are you…are you quoting Byron right now? Dear god, please do not. Can’t you see me wringing myself in anguish? From the position of your own personal disgrace, you decry the death of romance? This is even more bizarre than the “Native American handshake” fiasco.

If I could make one last, desperate little suggestion, it will be to rethink the instances of the term “family man” in this essay. It appears seven times. And yowza, my eraser is on fire! “My life is ruined” is definitely not how you spell “I am sorry.”

Okay, fucking leave it in then. It’s not like any editor from a reputable journal would ever print this, right? Because they’re holding that space for those who have been marginalized by a system which, traditionally, has valued your voice above all others, right? Riiiiiiight? Right.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish