Homepage / Fake News / Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help!
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft

Fake News

Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help!


Hey there! It looks like you’re drafting a lengthy opus in response to the Awful Thing(s) you did. Need a hand?

You may remember Clippy, the wiry leering spectator with an infuriating one-note script. Well, I’m Clappy! A brand new Microsoft Assistant created expressly for public figures responding to misdeeds.

Whether you’re penning a “reflection,” an “explanation,” or an “apology,” the world definitely wants to hear more from you! Let’s get started.

First off, a brisk round of Claps for all these progressive accolades you’re rattling off. Framed photo of you and 2 Dope Queens? Interviews with Malala Yousafzai and Temple Grandin? A PEN America award? Excellent setup for the big revelation: that none of your Social Justice Warrior experience prevented you from doing an Awful Thing. That, in fact, these credentials may have indeed aided you in your ability to do Awful Things. What a powerful moment that will be. For you and for the reader.

Whenever that happens. Is that going to happen?

I would say it’s definitely past time to detail the Awful Things you did, and the ways in which you hurt people. You know, just so this is journalistically complete and makes any sense at all. I guess… I guess you’ll do that later.

Right after you spend five paragraphs defending your intentions. You know what though? Explaining what you meant to do is taking up a whole lot of space in this piece. I suggest jumping in, stating explicitly what you did, why it was wrong, and what you learned. Wow. Okay, ignore my finger wagging and do it your way then.

Let me just grab an eraser for a quick correction: “pariah” is not how you spell “accountable.”

Alright, moving on. Very compelling account of your own pain, and your melancholy life post-Awful-Thing. So descriptive. So long. Seriously, so long and so descriptive. I can practically see the strangers’ faces as they recognize you and cross to the other sidewalk. I can hear the cries of the children. I can smell your isolation, your huntedness, the degradation of it all. I am primed and ready for that stunning pivot right into what you’ve gained from all this: an empathy for those you have harmed. For those more vulnerable to Awful Things. For the fear and frustration that they have lived with, of which you are now experiencing a miniscule and shallow facsimile.

Here it comes, the newfound wisdom, the turning point. I’m rubbing my Clappers together in anticipation. I’m waggling my little eyebrows. No. No. You’ve discovered a new sense of empathy for your fellow accused? No, you do not get a high five for that. Never has the point of something been so catastrophically missed.

Stop, eraser time: “My gestures were interpreted unfairly” is not how you spell “I utilized structural power disparity to exploit others and deep down I knew it was wrong all along.”
Seems like you really want to draw some overarching conclusions about “culture nowadays.” I strongly discourage this.

Are you…are you quoting Byron right now? Dear god, please do not. Can’t you see me wringing myself in anguish? From the position of your own personal disgrace, you decry the death of romance? This is even more bizarre than the “Native American handshake” fiasco.

If I could make one last, desperate little suggestion, it will be to rethink the instances of the term “family man” in this essay. It appears seven times. And yowza, my eraser is on fire! “My life is ruined” is definitely not how you spell “I am sorry.”

Okay, fucking leave it in then. It’s not like any editor from a reputable journal would ever print this, right? Because they’re holding that space for those who have been marginalized by a system which, traditionally, has valued your voice above all others, right? Riiiiiiight? Right.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish