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Writers With Benefits | Points in Case



This contract hereinafter outlines the benefits that may be exchanged between two writers experiencing a literary dry spell or who are desperate for feedback on their TV pilots. Either party may terminate this agreement without notice, just like most adult friendships.

Section 1: Communication

Before embarking upon this new relationship, both writers must agree on a common method of textual intercourse. While email is the most popular for exchanging notes, some still prefer ancient traditions, like meeting up in real life.

Section 2: Frequency

If one writer desires to escalate the frequency of their textual intercourse because this relationship is their only means of human interaction or if their roommate refuses to read their poetry, the other writer has to comply, unless said writer is on a deadline or is in the middle of a nap.

Section 3: Foreplay

All types of textual foreplay is permitted, such as feeling really guilty when asking for feedback on their TV pilot. Other scenarios involve asking the less accomplished writer if they’re still thinking about pursuing an M.F.A. This will likely trigger feelings of sadness if said writer is over the age of thirty-seven.

Section 4: Textual Positions

While writers are at liberty to pursue whatever textual position that helps them write without checking Twitter every five minutes, some positions have been well-tested and used throughout literary history, like “Hunched Over at Desk” or “Napping After Eating Hot Pocket.”

Section 5: Multiple Writing Partners

A writer may seek out new writing partners for exchanging notes if they’ve been waiting for more than two months to receive feedback on their TV pilot. In times of distress, it’s important that a writer expands their circle of trusted advisers from one person to maybe two.

Section 6: Location

Writers may perform textual intercourse at any location of their choosing, preferably ones that encourage napping. Do note that meeting up in real life can stir up defensive body language and an aggressive use of adverbs, especially when the more successful writer critiques the less successful one’s poetry.

Section 7: Tantric Writing Sessions

Writers will often participate in tantric writing sessions if they’re on a deadline or if their Wi-Fi died. One popular variation involves a writer writing intensely for five minutes and then rewarding themselves with a Hot Pocket.

Section 8: Feedback

When providing feedback, a writer should practice constructive criticism as much as possible, even though the writer receiving feedback will always take things personally and question why they’re writing a novella after quitting their comfy job at Dunkin’ Donuts Corporate. Please send a Google Doc.

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