Homepage / Fake News / Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition
How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30

Fake News

Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition


Writer’s block afflicts every writer, but the affliction is especially acute for those of us who write political speeches—particularly when the boss needs sizzling copy in just three hours.

I therefore offer the following tips. They may not mean the end of your writer’s block, or even the end of the beginning, but they will, perhaps, mean the beginning of the end.

Thank you for your inward smile.

And thank you for reading! And what a beautiful readership you all are! I believe I may say, in all sincerity, that I have never seen an audience of readers quite like you. You are smart, you are perceptive, and you are, above all, absolutely unwilling to accept anything less than first-rate advice—and you have my word, dear friends, that I shall deliver nothing less.

But before I do, I want to thank the good people of the wonderful magazine that is hosting this guide, along with their beautiful children and their wonderful partners, business or romantic. For while I cannot quite say that this article “would be impossible without them,’”I can unequivocally state that I would be soaking in the tub and reading this to my cat without them. So thank you, host magazine, for your gift of electrons. (I’m clapping for you).

Now then, what say we tackle that nasty old block!

The first step, of course, is to avoid mirrors. This is essential if you are to eliminate the risk of looking yourself in the eye. Avoid as well looking into the eyes of anyone you respect. And resist the temptation to abuse your dog’s simple good nature by seeking validation in her eyes.

Take a deep, cleansing breath to purify your soul. Take a few hundred. Go for a walk to collect your thoughts, avoiding the neighbors’ critical gazes while trying not to look like an embezzler. Return home and meditate. Let go of conscious thoughts— especially those of the child you were, and the adult thing you’ve become. If scruples enter your mind, threatening your tranquility, let them flow past like bubbles on a stream. Pop! Pop!

Have a shot of tequila, pop a pill, do whatever it takes to get into character. For the character you must channel is the boss.

Since 94% of communication is nonverbal—this, according to either “The Scientific Consensus” or “The Global Elite,” depending on which side butters your bread—you’ll need to get physical. Loosen your shoulders, shake your jowls, and let the boss’s spirit invade your body. Feel their spirit within your body. Feel their money within your wallet.

Imagine the boss standing over the crowd. He/she has made the obligatory thank you’s, has cracked Self-Deprecatory Jokes 18 and 27, and is finally ready to deliver The Speech.

Assume the boss’s trademark face, whether he/she favors the Obamaesque/Bill Cintonian Frown Of Concern, the Trumpian/Mussolinian Jut-Jaw Of Power, or the generic Wild-Eyed Radical Crazy. You must be the boss to feel the boss.

You are now good to go, so begin your first draft. Remember, it is not you writing these words, so is it not your soul at risk—you are merely a filter for the words of the boss. So let ‘er rip without hesitation, a sloppy copy, dirty and down. The key at this point is to do it fast—exactly how you grabbed the boss’s first check (though you may find it difficult to type with the gloves you wore to avoid skin-on-skin contact; this remains a constant threat).

Voilà! You’ve succeeded! You, my friend, have produced a rough draft. Now comes the revision process, as delightful to the writer as champagne and strawberries with fat cat contributors. You need merely to utilize your diction decoder to calibrate key phrases to the intended audience. Select, as appropriate:

  • “Job creators” or “the filthy rich”
  • “Agents of oppression” or “our wonderful police”
  • “Corporate greed” or “the entrepreneurial spirit”
  • “American innovation” or “environmental destruction”

Apply the process to the entire draft, remembering that in every kind of speech you must refer to all people as “folks,” even though you’d rather watch C-SPAN while undergoing root canal than spend one minute with the sort of person you imagine “folks” denotes.

There! You’ve done it! Overcoming all moral reservations, you have suited the boss for the intended audience. Ship your hot copy off to the boss, and congratulate yourself—you have lived, in a sense, to write again.


Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish