Homepage / Fake News / Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition
Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24 Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019 My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser] Congressman Dean Koonce Appears in Black Face on Capitol Floor Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History Nation Celebrates MLK Day Little Shop Of Hey Now Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019 Getting Stuck in a Dance Circle 11 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown 5 Things To Know About Julián Castro Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner List: The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Redundancy Seeing Your Teacher in Public [Full Episode] The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing Democrats Counter-Proposal: Build a Wall Around Trump Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez DIY Face Masks That Heal Everything Except the Adolescent Damage From Claire Zabicky Playing Diablo Summons the Devil Bound by My Stepbrother Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings Despite Test Results Doctor No Idea What Wrong With You Yahoo! Turns 25 Should The Oakland A’s Have Sent Brad Pitt To Persuade Kyler Murray? ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8 5 Things To Know About Kirsten Gillibrand List: Signs You’re Under a Spell Cast By a Chill AF Retired Sorcerer With a Ponytail and a Peace Sign Tattoo Defiant Pelosi Begins Swimming To Afghanistan After Trump Denies Use Of Government Plane Trump Postpones Grand Opening Of Trump Tower Moscow Until Fuss Over Bombshell Report Dies Down Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor Trump Dismisses Trump As A Distraction ‘If This Report Is True’ To Be Repeated 5.7 Billion Times Today Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game Inside Mike Trapp's Gross New Animated Series ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer Wow, Nobody Tells Me Anything Painfully Honest L.L. Bean Product Descriptions for Urbanites Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy U.S. Taxpayers To Get Income Tax Refund Due To Government Shutdown | Adobo Chronicles Ready For Her Close-Up: This Actress Is Ready For Her Close-Up Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster? Genetic Tests Reveal Jayme Closs's Abductor 2% Mexican 4 Times In ‘Legally Blonde’ Where Reese Witherspoon Breaks Character To Explain That Women Aren’t Going To Get A Better Movie Than This For The Next 20 Years Man Nervous About Telling Date He Has Her Kids Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks 5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’ Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform? Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model How To Sound Smart Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference

Fake News

Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition



Writer’s block afflicts every writer, but the affliction is especially acute for those of us who write political speeches—particularly when the boss needs sizzling copy in just three hours.

I therefore offer the following tips. They may not mean the end of your writer’s block, or even the end of the beginning, but they will, perhaps, mean the beginning of the end.

Thank you for your inward smile.

And thank you for reading! And what a beautiful readership you all are! I believe I may say, in all sincerity, that I have never seen an audience of readers quite like you. You are smart, you are perceptive, and you are, above all, absolutely unwilling to accept anything less than first-rate advice—and you have my word, dear friends, that I shall deliver nothing less.

But before I do, I want to thank the good people of the wonderful magazine that is hosting this guide, along with their beautiful children and their wonderful partners, business or romantic. For while I cannot quite say that this article “would be impossible without them,’”I can unequivocally state that I would be soaking in the tub and reading this to my cat without them. So thank you, host magazine, for your gift of electrons. (I’m clapping for you).

Now then, what say we tackle that nasty old block!

The first step, of course, is to avoid mirrors. This is essential if you are to eliminate the risk of looking yourself in the eye. Avoid as well looking into the eyes of anyone you respect. And resist the temptation to abuse your dog’s simple good nature by seeking validation in her eyes.

Take a deep, cleansing breath to purify your soul. Take a few hundred. Go for a walk to collect your thoughts, avoiding the neighbors’ critical gazes while trying not to look like an embezzler. Return home and meditate. Let go of conscious thoughts— especially those of the child you were, and the adult thing you’ve become. If scruples enter your mind, threatening your tranquility, let them flow past like bubbles on a stream. Pop! Pop!

Have a shot of tequila, pop a pill, do whatever it takes to get into character. For the character you must channel is the boss.

Since 94% of communication is nonverbal—this, according to either “The Scientific Consensus” or “The Global Elite,” depending on which side butters your bread—you’ll need to get physical. Loosen your shoulders, shake your jowls, and let the boss’s spirit invade your body. Feel their spirit within your body. Feel their money within your wallet.

Imagine the boss standing over the crowd. He/she has made the obligatory thank you’s, has cracked Self-Deprecatory Jokes 18 and 27, and is finally ready to deliver The Speech.

Assume the boss’s trademark face, whether he/she favors the Obamaesque/Bill Cintonian Frown Of Concern, the Trumpian/Mussolinian Jut-Jaw Of Power, or the generic Wild-Eyed Radical Crazy. You must be the boss to feel the boss.

You are now good to go, so begin your first draft. Remember, it is not you writing these words, so is it not your soul at risk—you are merely a filter for the words of the boss. So let ‘er rip without hesitation, a sloppy copy, dirty and down. The key at this point is to do it fast—exactly how you grabbed the boss’s first check (though you may find it difficult to type with the gloves you wore to avoid skin-on-skin contact; this remains a constant threat).

Voilà! You’ve succeeded! You, my friend, have produced a rough draft. Now comes the revision process, as delightful to the writer as champagne and strawberries with fat cat contributors. You need merely to utilize your diction decoder to calibrate key phrases to the intended audience. Select, as appropriate:

  • “Job creators” or “the filthy rich”
  • “Agents of oppression” or “our wonderful police”
  • “Corporate greed” or “the entrepreneurial spirit”
  • “American innovation” or “environmental destruction”

Apply the process to the entire draft, remembering that in every kind of speech you must refer to all people as “folks,” even though you’d rather watch C-SPAN while undergoing root canal than spend one minute with the sort of person you imagine “folks” denotes.

There! You’ve done it! Overcoming all moral reservations, you have suited the boss for the intended audience. Ship your hot copy off to the boss, and congratulate yourself—you have lived, in a sense, to write again.


Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish