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Fake News

Wrapping Paper is the Dark Lord’s Curse on the Holiday Season



Gather round my legions of the damned! Look on as this fool attempts to fold a multi-colored sheet of wrinkles into an immaculate presentation worthy of the gift it conceals. Idiot! No mortal is capable of such a feat. Oh, but watch as he weeps, watch indeed my minions.

This one is especially stupid. He’s following the lines on the paper like they actually mean something. Witness the frustration in his eyes as realization takes hold. The poor bastard. Ooh, so close, less than a quarter inch gap between the two sides. Yes, those Santas on the shimmery paper are challenging your manhood. Look how they grasp those long, thick candy canes between their powerful hands. What he will he do, what will he do? Maybe cut a narrow strip to fill in the space?

No one will notice, after all, it’s the thought that counts, right? Wrong! He knows the shame, the ridicule of failing to grasp such a rudimentary skill. This isn’t an origami crane, it’s a square, an ordinary teach-you-how-to-make-in-kindergarten square! Any boob can do it. He can’t be so low class, societal pressure is too strong a force. People will long remember his inadequacy, forever reference the debacle of 2018 with a sneer and implied judgement. It doesn’t matter you say, for beneath the steaming pile of reindeer shit is a beautiful necklace, a stunning diamond masterpiece that anyone would be happy to own.

Your innocence is adorable. Yes! Crumple it, toss that ball of misery across the room. Release your righteous fury!

What’s this? He thinks he’s going to crimp the ends into a tight crease. Good luck, fucker! It takes years of training to pull off such a move but what would I know, I mean, I only invited the idea. By all means, proceed, how hard can it possibly be?

Nope, that’s not going to work. If I were you’d I’d head on over to the mall. Some local high school students are doing a fundraiser. I think they’re raising money for their senior class trip. Anywho, for a small donation—a mere two dollars—they’ll do the wrapping for you. You’re right, better to just roll up the end like some kind of Christmas blunt because that doesn’t look half-assed.

Tape is such a useful tool, so sticky, so versatile, so fragile. I must say it’s one of my crueler inventions. He’s committed the classic mistake. Poor, poor wretch has forgotten to pre-tear the tape into convenient little strips. This blunder threatens to undo everything. I can hear the swears forming in his mind, such a dirty little boy. Wait! He’s going for it, I can’t believe it, thousands of years of observing humans and they still surprise me. Of course it’s not going to work, you can’t hold the paper with one hand and try to peel off adhesive with the other! Ah! I love it when the tape splits.

Oh shit, he just yanked all the tape out of the dispenser in a moment of blind rage! Good going genius, now what are you going to do?

Oh please, oh please try to curl the ribbon. He has the scissors pointed toward him, so delicious. Nope! Try again—you can do it. Nope! One more time, it’s definitely going to work. Wait, is he, yes he is—he’s sweating! So good. Just. So. Good.

Yep, settle for tying ribbon around the box. No need to get fancy. Careful not to get your finger trapped. Too late! What an imbecile.

You know, this wasn’t on my list. I was really hoping for a monogrammed cheese board to use at my weekly wine get-togethers, but honestly, this is soooo much better. Thank you for this little bit of Christmas cheer. Hell is a drab place and you made it a tad brighter.

Oh shit! No! He didn’t! Look, look, look! He forgot to put labels on the packages. He doesn’t know which one is which! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




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