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Man Competitive About How Depressed He Is Dole Reveals One Cantaloupe Out There Contains $10 Million Check Coca-Cola Releases New Orange Vanilla Flavor Playing in a Safe Space (with Erika Ishii) ‘Anthem’ Developers Assure Players Whiteboard With Words ‘Jetpack+Guns?’ Will Be Playable Game By Friday Bernie Sanders Announces 2020 Bid ‘We Will Not Repeat The Mistakes Of The 2016 Election,’ Vows Nation Still Using Internet Mental Health Experts Recommend Calling Fratricide Prevention Hotline For Anyone Contemplating Killing Brother Bill: You Have 13 Unread Emails from Change.org, Answer Them Right Now Trump Agrees To Wear Wire To Take Down Roger Stone This Monster Doesn't Clean Her Inbox Biggest Snubs In Oscars History Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica List: 28 Other Mariah Carey Songs Which Perfectly Encapsulate the Codependent Relationship Between Sean Hannity and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez MTA Urges Riders To Stop Taking Disabled Passengers I’m the World’s Deadliest Assassin But Also a Virgin By Choice ‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! 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Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019

Fake News

Woke Gear for the Politically Correct


Check out the new selection of products from retailers this season will keep you PC while looking your best in comfort and safety, whether you’re running for election, protesting, or chiding a rowdy and insensitive workforce. These fashionable new pieces will help you steer clear of all things discordant, and possibly offensive. Here are some of the new gear and fabrics.


Land’s End is introducing Apolo-jeans®, new dungarees that acknowledge any faux pas, and redress themselves to any affronted party, instantly and discretely. Your choice of light, medium, or heavy Con-Jeanial® denim, this casual pant features the only available expanding coin-pocket on the market today for storing all the social change you will surely accumulate.


Exclusive to Shoes.com are Tread-Lites® trail boots and hikers, the footgear you need when you want to walk a thin line without offending and leave a carbonless footprint. Available also in the comfortable, indoor Mock-a-Sins® slipper model, available free when you buy one pair (for a limited time from participating retailers).


Amazon’s Red Line offers Hat-in-Hand® Caps which do much more than protect from sun, rain and cold. Thanks to their exclusive, programmable Hat-Trick® technology, one tap of the hat’s brim and whatever the hat displays fades instantly to just your name or a simple repeating pattern. Gone is the flag, slogan, icon, icahn, covfefe, snarl word, or symbol that you sense is about to provoke any “high-hats” you might encounter.


New at Kohl’s is a line of FairHair® casual shirting is ready for election season by helping keep perfect strangers at ease après-rally or pre-caucus. Stay accessible, yet tastefully out of reach with generously-sized Out-of-Pockets®, and be your penitent best with SacriLok® seams that won’t chafe or offend. Layer with a ThinSkinsulate® shell when the reception is frigid or the winds of change blow, to keep you warmly received while preventing insults from getting your goat.


Patagonia will help you keep your place as Head Honcho in your Poncho lined with Bore-Tex®, repelling the profane, the insane, and the birdbrained without offense. Stay untouched by gale-force banalities, moralities, and showers of cliché!


Look no further for your outerwear than L.L.Bean’s new, patented Camojo® cloaking patterns! Based on emotions in the wild, this technology will allow you to work your charms in any social situation, undetected. Chose from Bossy Oak®, Pining Barren®, 2-To-Tangle®, Dew Diligence®, Rorschach Pest®, or High-Horse® patterns. Features Scent-Bloc® liner to mask fear and loathing downwind. Or upstream, if the need arises.


New this season at The Gap are Cry-Dry® location-cloaking protective treatments on the latest lifestyle scarves, bandanas, and wraps that wick away crocodile tears secretly, keeping your location safe and your position on most things left for others to guess.


New at Macy’s are Cordial-Roy® casual slacks—virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding cultural blunder or social indiscretion never looked, well, so good! Available in warm, sympathetic, and supportive carbon-neutral colors, and Wale-Watch® cord widths 4, 7, and 10. And look for their new Sickopants® in a durable twill which, when worn in the workplace, subtly nudges workers into higher productivity without confrontation or insult, emphasis on class difference, immigration status, or country of origin.


Cabella’s is featuring the low nap suede-like shell of Go-Ballistic® Nylon in their exclusive new windbreakers. They’ve been tested to resist the winds of change, and repel clingy sycophants and any stinging rebukes!


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