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Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019

Fake News

Woke Gear for the Politically Correct

Check out the new selection of products from retailers this season will keep you PC while looking your best in comfort and safety, whether you’re running for election, protesting, or chiding a rowdy and insensitive workforce. These fashionable new pieces will help you steer clear of all things discordant, and possibly offensive. Here are some of the new gear and fabrics.

Land’s End is introducing Apolo-jeans®, new dungarees that acknowledge any faux pas, and redress themselves to any affronted party, instantly and discretely. Your choice of light, medium, or heavy Con-Jeanial® denim, this casual pant features the only available expanding coin-pocket on the market today for storing all the social change you will surely accumulate.

Exclusive to Shoes.com are Tread-Lites® trail boots and hikers, the footgear you need when you want to walk a thin line without offending and leave a carbonless footprint. Available also in the comfortable, indoor Mock-a-Sins® slipper model, available free when you buy one pair (for a limited time from participating retailers).

Amazon’s Red Line offers Hat-in-Hand® Caps which do much more than protect from sun, rain and cold. Thanks to their exclusive, programmable Hat-Trick® technology, one tap of the hat’s brim and whatever the hat displays fades instantly to just your name or a simple repeating pattern. Gone is the flag, slogan, icon, icahn, covfefe, snarl word, or symbol that you sense is about to provoke any “high-hats” you might encounter.

New at Kohl’s is a line of FairHair® casual shirting is ready for election season by helping keep perfect strangers at ease après-rally or pre-caucus. Stay accessible, yet tastefully out of reach with generously-sized Out-of-Pockets®, and be your penitent best with SacriLok® seams that won’t chafe or offend. Layer with a ThinSkinsulate® shell when the reception is frigid or the winds of change blow, to keep you warmly received while preventing insults from getting your goat.

Patagonia will help you keep your place as Head Honcho in your Poncho lined with Bore-Tex®, repelling the profane, the insane, and the birdbrained without offense. Stay untouched by gale-force banalities, moralities, and showers of cliché!

Look no further for your outerwear than L.L.Bean’s new, patented Camojo® cloaking patterns! Based on emotions in the wild, this technology will allow you to work your charms in any social situation, undetected. Chose from Bossy Oak®, Pining Barren®, 2-To-Tangle®, Dew Diligence®, Rorschach Pest®, or High-Horse® patterns. Features Scent-Bloc® liner to mask fear and loathing downwind. Or upstream, if the need arises.

New this season at The Gap are Cry-Dry® location-cloaking protective treatments on the latest lifestyle scarves, bandanas, and wraps that wick away crocodile tears secretly, keeping your location safe and your position on most things left for others to guess.

New at Macy’s are Cordial-Roy® casual slacks—virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding cultural blunder or social indiscretion never looked, well, so good! Available in warm, sympathetic, and supportive carbon-neutral colors, and Wale-Watch® cord widths 4, 7, and 10. And look for their new Sickopants® in a durable twill which, when worn in the workplace, subtly nudges workers into higher productivity without confrontation or insult, emphasis on class difference, immigration status, or country of origin.

Cabella’s is featuring the low nap suede-like shell of Go-Ballistic® Nylon in their exclusive new windbreakers. They’ve been tested to resist the winds of change, and repel clingy sycophants and any stinging rebukes!

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