Homepage / Fake News / Wines that Pair Well with Your Terrible Life
‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K!

Fake News

Wines that Pair Well with Your Terrible Life

Riesling and Divorce

A dry Riesling goes well with chicken, pork, and broken trust. This wine is aromatic and light; perfect for binge drinking in the wake of wasting your twenties on someone you met on a cruise ship. Rieslings give a soft drunk, a gentle sort of numbness until you come to terms with the fact that agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone you’ve known for three years is a shit idea.

Chardonnay and Social Anxiety

Chardonnay was very popular in the ’90s, while conversely, you were never popular. This wide-bodied white will give you a warm fuzzy drunk, very similar to the sensation of knowing you have several friends you’re letting down. Ttannin-rich white will go perfectly with staying home again. Sit back, relax, and slowly rot in your comfort zone with a glass of sweet Chardonnay.

Cabernet Sauvignon and Being 30

How did you end up at your best friend’s wedding with your twenties behind you? You’re dead wrong if you think the answer isn’t at the bottom of a tiny plastic cup at the open bar. Cab Sauv will give you a heavy, big-boy drunk that will finally quell those feelings of regret. It will also make you feel like sitting down, which is perfect for stopping you from dancing to “This Is America.”

Syrah and Debt

Toffee notes come from the wine having rested in oak barrels; it ferments in the barrel as your credit score drops to levels frightening levels. You can’t keep paying off credit cards with more credit cards, but you can drink this elegant wine from France’s Rhone Valley. Syrah’s calming buzz goes well with the panic attack that sets in when read that in Sweden, the government pays for college.

Pinot Noir and Being An Elderly Shut-In

Where’s the remote? You can’t really get out of that giant love-seat, so you might as well pour some more Pinot into that New York Mets plastic cup again. The delicate and fresh taste, mixed with soft tannins, goes well with Drew Carey hosting Price is Right.

Gewurztraminer and Running Over A Deer

It’s fruity, aromatic, and perfect for nervously sipping on the side of the road. You may detect subtle notes of rose petals while you think about the baby deer whose life you just destroyed. You’re a murderer, no matter how you look at it; Gewurztraminer is perfect as you try to figure out a way to rationalize your actions. It’ll be a gentle drunk that will keep you somewhat cognizant as you think about what you did. Also pairs well with regular human murder.

Sangiovese and Who The Fuck Is That Guy?

Instagram doesn’t lie: she’s dating some architect! That was fast. What’s the worst that could happen from downing a bottle of Sangiovese? Well, it’s a wine none of us can honestly can’t pronounce, so there’s that. Maybe if you could pronounce hard French words, Sharon would still be here. Better drink the whole pouch, fuck it, oh what a lovely medium-bodied delight, it’s perfect!

Barbera and Waking Up Somewhere Strange

Where the shit are you? How did you end up in a closed supermarket? Why are you wearing your good khakis with no underwear? Who’s calling you? Oh it’s Sharon—don’t answer, she can get lost. Sweet box wine…guess you’re drinking the whole pouch again! Ah yes, another classic red of Italian origin, fantastic. Goodbye feelings, hello wine!

Malbec and Prison

Malbec has its origins in the French Bordeaux regions, and your sentencing has its origins in a supermarket electrical fire. The easy drinking style lends itself nicely to your new life in the penal system. You may pick up on hints of plums and berries; unless you make the wine inside of prison. Then you’ll detect hints of plastic bag, grape juice, and the radiator it fermented under.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.