Riesling and Divorce
A dry Riesling goes well with chicken, pork, and broken trust. This wine is aromatic and light; perfect for binge drinking in the wake of wasting your twenties on someone you met on a cruise ship. Rieslings give a soft drunk, a gentle sort of numbness until you come to terms with the fact that agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone you’ve known for three years is a shit idea.
Chardonnay and Social Anxiety
Chardonnay was very popular in the ’90s, while conversely, you were never popular. This wide-bodied white will give you a warm fuzzy drunk, very similar to the sensation of knowing you have several friends you’re letting down. Ttannin-rich white will go perfectly with staying home again. Sit back, relax, and slowly rot in your comfort zone with a glass of sweet Chardonnay.
Cabernet Sauvignon and Being 30
How did you end up at your best friend’s wedding with your twenties behind you? You’re dead wrong if you think the answer isn’t at the bottom of a tiny plastic cup at the open bar. Cab Sauv will give you a heavy, big-boy drunk that will finally quell those feelings of regret. It will also make you feel like sitting down, which is perfect for stopping you from dancing to “This Is America.”
Syrah and Debt
Toffee notes come from the wine having rested in oak barrels; it ferments in the barrel as your credit score drops to levels frightening levels. You can’t keep paying off credit cards with more credit cards, but you can drink this elegant wine from France’s Rhone Valley. Syrah’s calming buzz goes well with the panic attack that sets in when read that in Sweden, the government pays for college.
Pinot Noir and Being An Elderly Shut-In
Where’s the remote? You can’t really get out of that giant love-seat, so you might as well pour some more Pinot into that New York Mets plastic cup again. The delicate and fresh taste, mixed with soft tannins, goes well with Drew Carey hosting Price is Right.
Gewurztraminer and Running Over A Deer
It’s fruity, aromatic, and perfect for nervously sipping on the side of the road. You may detect subtle notes of rose petals while you think about the baby deer whose life you just destroyed. You’re a murderer, no matter how you look at it; Gewurztraminer is perfect as you try to figure out a way to rationalize your actions. It’ll be a gentle drunk that will keep you somewhat cognizant as you think about what you did. Also pairs well with regular human murder.
Sangiovese and Who The Fuck Is That Guy?
Instagram doesn’t lie: she’s dating some architect! That was fast. What’s the worst that could happen from downing a bottle of Sangiovese? Well, it’s a wine none of us can honestly can’t pronounce, so there’s that. Maybe if you could pronounce hard French words, Sharon would still be here. Better drink the whole pouch, fuck it, oh what a lovely medium-bodied delight, it’s perfect!
Barbera and Waking Up Somewhere Strange
Where the shit are you? How did you end up in a closed supermarket? Why are you wearing your good khakis with no underwear? Who’s calling you? Oh it’s Sharon—don’t answer, she can get lost. Sweet box wine…guess you’re drinking the whole pouch again! Ah yes, another classic red of Italian origin, fantastic. Goodbye feelings, hello wine!
Malbec and Prison
Malbec has its origins in the French Bordeaux regions, and your sentencing has its origins in a supermarket electrical fire. The easy drinking style lends itself nicely to your new life in the penal system. You may pick up on hints of plums and berries; unless you make the wine inside of prison. Then you’ll detect hints of plastic bag, grape juice, and the radiator it fermented under.