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Fake News

Why You Should Listen to More Rap Music

Are you feeling sad? Down in the dumps? Does it seem as if your self-esteem has finally bottomed out? If so, I have some advice for you.

Listen to rap music. 

Rap songs are basically just 3-5 minute self-strokes (as in, stroking oneself off). The rapper performing the song will go on and on and on about his cars, his clothes, his jewelry, his girls, and so on and so forth. The funny thing is, the reason he came to have all these things is precisely because he’s a master at self-stroking. How do you think he started his career? Was he totally down on himself, never believing he could do anything worth a damn?

Blast some rap, and you’re not satisfied until you have a Lamborghini in every color of the rainbow. 

No, he just started stroking himself off, believing he could do anything. Then he threw his words onto some beats and kept stroking. People started buying the stroke sessions and soon, he got rich from the sales of his songs and the self-stroking became even easier. Now, he just makes songs stroking himself off for getting rich from stroking himself off. Whew, that’s a lot of stroking.

That is some transcendent type stuff, man: believing you’re the absolute shit, telling everybody about it and refusing to shut the fuck up, then adding a musical beat to telling everyone you’re the shit. After that, people magically start buying recordings of you doing this, and you become RICH. When people get tired of you calling yourself the shit, you just call them “haters” and make songs about them too. Then you get even richer, and the self-stroking continues to increase exponentially. This is a life-hack, people.

There is a statistic somewhere out there that says people who listen to country music have higher suicide rates than people who don’t. It’s absolutely because country music is so damn deflating. It’s either a girl singing about setting her ex-boyfriend’s house on fire, or a drunk dude with a cowboy hat singing about how he wishes his girl was still riding his lifted truck instead of another cowboy’s rattlesnake. You can’t get stoked on yourself with that shit, man.

If your girlfriend cheats on you, and you throw on some Tim McGraw, within 30 minutes you’re going to be on her doorstep with flowers and chocolates begging for her back. Throw on some 50 Cent, though, and you’re gonna have a new girlfriend (or two) by the end of the week. You might also be wearing a do-rag, but that’s quite alright.

Consider this: someone was so sick of 50 Cent stroking himself off that they shot his ass nine times. But he had so much self-belief that he miraculously recovered–stroked himself back to health. Now, he strokes himself off for being shot nine times and not dying. Something tells me Tim McGraw would probably be hospitalized by an Airsoft gun. Just sayin’.

People really need to start believing in themselves more. And music has a massive effect on your ability to do that. I hate to keep bagging on country music, but, if you listen to it enough, the pinnacle of life is owning a 2004 Chevy Silverado and driving around in circles on the dirt. Blast some rap, and you’re not satisfied until you have a Lamborghini in every color of the rainbow.

Country isn’t the only culprit, other genres are also severely lacking in the stroke department. Sometimes I throw on some of my old middle school punk rock, and I realize most of the songs were basically just suicide notes, sung by dudes wearing pants tight enough to crush their testicles into oblivion. In hindsight, that’s probably why those guys were so upset all the time. They couldn’t have stroked themselves off through those pants if they wanted to. They were set up for failure. Conversely, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase “gotta let my nuts hang” in a hip hop song. Those dudes make ball suspension a top priority–nay, a necessity.

Maybe that’s just how things have to be sometimes. You need to metaphorically hang your nuts on a pedestal, stop getting down on yourself, and realize that you ARE the shit. So toss on some rap, let those nuts hang, and stroke away.

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