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Fake News

Why Nope to Me Being Pope?

This month marks the 6th anniversary of the selection of Pope Francis. I thought it would be cathartic to reminisce about my own failed run for the papacy that year. Here are the messages that I sent to my followers during those shocking and sad days.

March 13, 2013:

Just wanted to thank all of my supporters during my run towards the papacy. Being pope has always been a dream of mine and it almost became a reality! And you were all there for me: knocking on doors, mailing flyers, doing favors for members of the Corleone family, every little bit helped along the way.

Despite the obstacles that I set for myself—not learning Latin, not covering up my marriage, wearing that light-up sombrero with “Dude, I’m the POPE!” in big pink neon letters—I know in my heart that I didn’t lose. Rather I prefer to think that you all didn’t win.

There are too many people to thank and you all know who you are, as do I. Remember the old adage: “Those that cannot do, teach. Those that cannot teach, do. Hey buddy, you’re not even Catholic!” I believe that last revelation slightly hurt my chances.

Well, time to prepare for next year’s race to the papacy! After all, when I’m pope, it will change from the Vatican’t back to the VatiCAN. And in the meantime, check out my new book, Vatican III: The Quickening.

March 14, 2013:

It is finally setting in that I will not be pope. In the back of my mind, I was hoping for a recount from some disenfranchised cardinals. Even the Chicago political machine let me down. Even though the dead vote in every other election in Illinois, apparently they couldn’t dig any up for mine.

I don’t know if I can handle this. I even bought t-shirts and had a promotional crossover set up with KFC—“Even the Pope says that KFC’s Famous Bowls are infallible!”

Now I have to return it all. But I’m keeping the biscuits and gravy, dammit. Those are mine.

I guess being a cardinal won’t be that bad. Most cardinals never get to be pope and they somehow manage to deal with it. Just look at Stan Musial, he turned out all right.

I wish Pope Francis 1 all the best. Even if he is from Argentina. Why name your whole nation after the band that did “Hold Your Head Up”? Seems shortsighted. Was “The Guess Whosylvania” taken already?

March 15, 2013:

Thank you all for the numerous letters, missives, correspondences, memos, notes, cards, and various leaky packages that I can only assume are broken bottles that were filled with your tears. The support has been in a word, impressive. In another word, juxtaposition.

And thank you to the late Stan Musial estate and his not late legal team in sending their notice that Stan the Man was not a Cardinal. Apparently he was a Brown, but as I never was the biggest hockey fan in the first place, the error is understandable.

Some nice folks in France said they would love to have me be pope over there in a kind of splinter faction of the Roman Catholic Church. However, I don’t know if a split is wise. I guess it would make sense if the Catholic Church was just a power-hungry organization without any real concern for people’s spiritual welfare while at the same time being only interested in wealth and land acquisition. But that would make the papacy look ridiculous, right?

They did say they already had a palace though. Hmmmm…

March 16, 2013:

Fun’s fun, but seriously?! You’re going ahead with this guy? What shucking and jiving did this guy do to get in? He puts the con in conclave.

The first day was shock, the second denial, the third was ridicule, now today is outrage and spite. Is this guy even Catholic? A Jesuit? Really? I don’t even know what they are and he gets in. First an old Polish guy and then an old German and now an Argentinian? I didn’t even know it was a real country until a day ago!

You old duffers in your little red booties nominating from among your own kind. An outsider doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in H-E-Double Toothpicks in getting into the upper ruling classes of the church.

And here I thought that only applied to us Lutherans. I’ve now concluded that Catholics are just as bad, they just get better hats.

March 17, 2013:

Well it is official: I am now Pope! Thank you for all your write-in ballots and support! But you’re still hearing about this Francis character, you say? Let me clarify: I have become Pope of the Roman Catholic Church (Lapsed). You see millions of born and raised Catholics do not attend mass or participate in any way. So I have been declared, by my sole unanimous vote, to be pope over those lapse Catholics or lapsies, as I like to call them.

We will meet whenever and discuss whatever. We will celebrate mass when we remember to have it. We shall base most doctrinal decisions on Going My Way and The Exorcist. These Catholic movies are shorter than stuffy books in Latin anyway.

As Pope Bieber II, I shall bring order to the few billion lapsies out there. I will be rigorous in making sure that people donate money without the need for church attendance. I will ensure that mass happens at a reasonable hour, like after 11 AM. And finally, we will finally agree that “Ave Maria” shall finally be changed to “Proud Mary” finally.

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