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Fake News

Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night


Who Watches Your Instagram Stories

  • The ex who broke up with you because you’re an “alcoholic”
  • Someone whom you’d never have sex with
  • Someone whom you’ve had sex with once and regretted the ordeal
  • The ex who broke up with you because of your stifling adherence to grammatical rules
  • Your mom
  • Dude you haven’t seen since elementary school—didn’t he go to jail?
  • Memorial account for your deceased friend—unnerving
  • Chick you wanted to get with in middle school—unrealized. Maybe now, Laura?
  • The ex who broke up with you because you actually are an alcoholic
  • Classmate from graduate school with a Bookstagram account and nice fingernails
  • Person with a dog as their profile picture and an indiscernible username _FuSHIa4Eva_… who is that?
  • Dude you made out with in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
  • Bro who ghosted you but religiously watches your stories
  • That guy whose butt you touched that one time five years ago
  • Wait, did you date her?
  • Cousin who is living a better life than you as the director of a programme in Cambodia
  • Cousin who is living a worse life than you on the high seas as a cruise ship maid
  • Desperate gross dude from the Golden Tee
  • Supportive friend that should’ve given up on you long ago
  • Friend that gave up on you long ago
  • Your best friend
  • Your best friend’s ex
  • Chick you serviced in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
  • Bartender who gives you stiff drinks when you’re in town
  • Bartender who sends you photos of his stiffy when you’re in town
  • The person you’re still desperately in love with and the only reason you even post Instagram stories is to see if they’ve watched them, but they still don’t want you
  • Your brother’s girlfriend who is just a reminder you’ll die alone, or accidentally, in front of a stranger in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
  • Your ex’s current significant other
  • Your ex’s ex whom you’d do but she’s married
  • Your cousin—he lets you take over his Tinder account when you’re together because you “have a way with women”
  • Your cousin—she lets you take over her Tinder account when you’re together because you “have a way with men”
  • Your Catholic aunt who controls your Tinder account when you’re together because she thinks it’s a game and “wants to play”—you don’t know how right you are, Aunt Ruth
  • The one dude you met from Tinder who has a chillwave project

Who Responds to Your Instagram Stories

  • Your best friend—“Are… are you doing okay?”
  • Your mom—“Maybe you should spend less time hanging out in your therapist’s waiting room.”
  • Your ex—“Will you be in town for Thanksgiving?”
  • That guy whose butt you touched that one time five years ago—“That’s cool your therapist named the office dog Kovu after The Lion King 2. Can’t wait 2 c another pic of him next week!”

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