Homepage / Fake News / Who Needs an Amazon Echo When Your House is Haunted by the Ghost of a 17th Century Pirate Captain?
Scientists Reveal Universe Actually Shaped Like iPhone 7s I Voted For Donald Trump Because I Thought He’d Help Me Win Sandra Back. I Was Wrong. Escape Room Inspired By My Mother-in-Law It's My Right to Hold This Turd Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque To Compete in LPGA Tour Category Snore Will Monday Night Football Cut Jason Witten After The Analyst Went 0 For 65 While Talking? Man Who Just Beat Computer Solitaire Never Asked For Overwhelming Sensory Assault Of Victory Animation College Freshman Has Friend From Home Visiting Way Too Soon Applicant Who Actually Faced Punishment For Sexual Assault Clearly Not Yale Material Comey: Mueller May be In ‘Fourth Quarter’ Of Investigation Skittles Unveils New Liqui-Gels For Fast-Acting Fruity Flavor QUIZ: Did The President Say This? Polite High School Football Team Runs Around Banner That Took Hours To Make The Trump Cabinet Quiz – Rod Bartchy, Humor Times The World Needs More Mr. Rogers Memes Over 417,000 Hours Of Private Presidential Conversations Discovered After No One Remembered To Turn Off Richard Nixon’s Tape Recorder ‘New York Times’ Announces Appointment Of Anonymous Source As Editor-In-Chief 6 Things That Are Obnoxious When Other Couples Do Them But Great When They’re Happening To You Pros And Cons Of Amazon Trump Asks Why Kavanaugh Accuser Didn’t Just Immediately Request Hush Money I’m Writing Today to Recommend My Student and His Viral Fail Video Congress Wishes They Could Help Puerto Rico But It’s All The Way Over There The Investigation Stalled, The Case Went Cold, We Had To Print Something Anyway Sony Launching Retro PlayStation Classic In December President Obama’s New Slogan, I Can Hear You Now Dracula’s Castle For Sale in Transylvania Stern Letters From Health Inspectors To Musicians Who Sang About Food Brad Pitt’s Foundation Sued For Building Shoddy Homes After Katrina Sweetheart, The Day You Were Conceived Was The Best Day Of My Life Al Roker Strongly Considers Retiring From Creating The Weather Can A Serial Marijuana User Like Josh Gordon Fit In With The Patriots’ Cocaine-Based Culture? Premature Evacuation: Exit Seat Employment Kevin Hart Just Going To Assume He’s In ‘Space Jam 2’ Unless He Hears Otherwise Hookers and Porn Models in Uproar after ‘Mario Kart’ Trump Dick Revelation 80% Of Women Currently Wearing Wrong Size Bra, Shirt, Shoes, Pants, Hat How Far-Out Is Trump’s War Policy? How Trump Is Remaking America’s Court System The GOP Hokey Pokey – Will Durst, Humor Times Jimmy Butler Gives Wolves List Of 29 Preferred Trade Destinations r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments GOP Officials Urge Calmer, More Reasonable Death Threats Toward Kavanaugh Accuser Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/18/18 Top 10 Reasons Trump Will Never Step Down ‘Sesame Street’ Writer Backtracks On Claim That Bert And Bernie Gay BBC announces spin -off series for the Bodyguard Weight Loss Hypnosis for Free, if that’s the Sort of Humbug you’re into Report: Make It Stop Stumbling Drunk Chuck Grassley Warns Kavanaugh Accuser She Can Testify All She Wants But No One’s Going To Believe Her Celebrity Slumber Party with Jack Black Trump Makes Light-Hearted Jokes With Dead Bodies Of Hurricane Victims During Visit To Carolinas 4th Grader Panics Upon Realizing Classmate Giving Presentation Had Exact Same Summer As He Did Sensory Homunculus Diagram So Fucking Hot New Beatles Box Set Features 172 Unreleased Songs About Wanting To Hold Hands Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read? The Worst Hurricanes In U.S. History Senate Passes Bipartisan Opioid Legislation Supposedly Educated Professor Has No Idea How To Get Bird Out Of Lecture Hall We Have Proof That Muppets Have Sex and Bert & Ernie Are Gay How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl Kavanaugh Shouldn’t Be Held Accountable For Something He Did As White Teenager FEMA Dispatches Crews To Do Whatever They Need To Do To Look Busy Ink-Splattered Trump Boys Counter Media Bias By Hand-Printing Own Newspaper In White House Basement The Best of Precious Plum & Mama PlayStation Classic To Include Friend Who Always Whooped Your Ass To Complete Retro Gaming Experience Shocking Biblical Study Reveals Methushael Did Not Beget Lamech Paul McCartney Releases 18th Solo Album Local Man Unsure If Woman Type Of Lesbian Who Only Dates Women Your #MeToo “Apology” For Yom Kippur Has Been Rejected Ronco and The Franklin Mint Combine with Democratic Party on Commemorative Plate Set Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court

Fake News

Who Needs an Amazon Echo When Your House is Haunted by the Ghost of a 17th Century Pirate Captain?



All my friends say I should get an Amazon Echo. Alexa can play your favorite music, they say. She can make phone calls and order pizza. That all sounds neat, but I don’t need an Amazon Echo, because I have Captain Bloodspear.

In life, Captain Bloodspear was a vicious pirate who terrorized the high seas from 1605 until his hanging in 1634. In death, his restless spirit haunts my Milwaukee townhouse, and he can do everything Alexa can do—and more!

Sure, Alexa can play any song from Amazon Music, Spotify, or Pandora, but so can the candy-colored iMac I had as a kid. Captain Bloodspear, on the other hand, has an exclusive (and seemingly endless) library of sea shanties that you can’t hear anywhere else. They’re hopeful songs of braving storms, seeking treasure, and bedding mermaids—all delivered in Captain Bloodspear’s one-of-a-kind spectral rasp.

Captain Bloodspear has a booming laugh that rolls through the house, ripples the curtains, and makes your teeth chatter.

And while you can only hear Alexa’s “360 degree omnidirectional audio” in whatever room you’ve plonked her down in, Captain Bloodspear is EVERYWHERE. Pick up the phone, and he’s singing at the other end of the line. Take a bath, and his bass comes gurgling out of the pipes. Sit down for a meal, and there’s Captain Bloodspear, rhapsodizing about busty sirens from the heating grate. It’s a surround sound musical experience from which you absolutely cannot escape.

And why would you want to? My girlfriend, Sarah, isn’t a big fan, but there’s no accounting for taste.

Echo fans also like to tout Alexa’s “smart home” capabilities. She can dim your lights, control your TV, and even open and close doors if you let her. But she’s got nothing on Captain Bloodspear. He cannot only turn my lights on and off, but make them rattle them in their fixtures and flicker malevolently. Sometimes, he makes lightbulbs spontaneously fill with blood, which is admittedly difficult to clean up when the bulbs inevitably, invariably, explode, but for a time provides some stunning mood lighting.

Captain Bloodspear is also adept at changing the channels on my TV, and sometimes does so without even being asked. Sarah says he does it to annoy us, but I believe in the benefit of the doubt—like that time he locked me in the basement and demanded I find his cursed doubloon, which I assured Sarah was a misunderstanding.

Captain Bloodspear is just learning the ropes, I told her. He isn’t used to being a smart home assistant. He’s used to raiding merchant ships and burning coastal villages to the ground!

Besides, a few quirks are better than no personality at all.

Alexa speaks in a monotone that never lets you forget she’s a metal tube, but Captain Bloodspear has a booming laugh that rolls through the house, ripples the curtains, and makes your teeth chatter. He’s full of swashbuckling spirit and piratical panache. Sometimes, he gives me a hearty slap on the back, usually when I’m standing at the top of some stairs or doing just about anything on a ladder.

Can Alexa do that?

Of course not, because Alexa is soulless. Captain Bloodspear is just a lost soul. He’s really great once you get to know him—the kind of ghoul you want to have a pint of grog with. And since Sarah moved out, he’s become a true friend. When I tell him I’m depressed, he always says something comforting like, “I’d end yer misery with me rapier if I could!”

You see what I mean? I try to be a good friend to him too, but his tendency to drone on about his favorite subject—“Find my cursed doubloon and free my wretched soul”—can get a little tiresome.

Finally, when it comes to price, Captain Bloodspear can’t be beat.

Alexa costs a hundred bucks, but Captain Bloodspear is free! Free for me, anyway—Captain Bloodspear will never himself be free, not as long I have the doubloon I pinched from that pirate museum in Jamaica.

And with the kind of convenience that Captain Bloodspear provides, why would I ever give it back?




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish