Homepage / Fake News / Who Are You Going to Believe: The Man With Everything to Lose or the Woman With Nothing to Gain?
I’m the World’s Deadliest Assassin But Also a Virgin By Choice ‘That First Date Is Going Terribly,’ Think Diners Watching Couple Celebrate 5th Anniversary Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me

Fake News

Who Are You Going to Believe: The Man With Everything to Lose or the Woman With Nothing to Gain?

When it comes to the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh, it’s hard to know whom to believe. On the one hand, Kavanaugh stands on the precipice of cementing a conservative court for a generation and might even see his current judgeship at risk.

On the other hand, Christine Blasey Ford is a woman.

In this cynical day and age, it’s difficult not to see each individual as approaching the hearing with an agenda: Kavanaugh with the entire Republican agenda, and Ford with the agenda of an assault victim about to see her attacker become one of the most powerful people in the country.

Kavanaugh has a penis. Ford doesn’t. Who are we to trust?

The national conversation around this confirmation has become a total He Said/She Said, And So Did She, And So Did A Third Woman, And So His Friend Refuses To Testify And His Classmates Are Withdrawing Their Support. It’s a total circus.

I look at the man who lied to Congress to get his appellate court seat and the woman who wrote her master’s thesis on the relationship between trauma and depression and struggle to understand what happened that night. To paraphrase the president, there are very fine people on both sides.

It’s hard to believe that Ford would put her life and family at risk if she didn’t want to see the man who put his hand over her mouth to muffle her screams as he tried to take off her bathing suit prevented from ruling on women’s bodily autonomy. But it’s also hard to believe that Kavanaugh did such a thing, when he’s so certain of his own innocence that he doesn’t want the FBI to even bother finding the facts. Republicans respect law enforcement so much, they help them with their time management and do everything possible to make sure they don’t get involved.

Kavanaugh is also so certain of his own innocence that when he went on the offensive, he chose to speak with Fox News, where he was unlikely to win anyone over. Viewers of Fox News are already likely to believe that rape is a coup made up by the Deep State to sell vitamins, and rather than explain his side to people who might doubt him, he decided to keep things among friends.

Once Ford went on the record, other women came forward with their stories about Kavanaugh, as if sexual misconduct tends to be habitual—especially among the elite set of people who never face consequences for anything ever. Knowing that they’d be attacked by the president and his legion of trolls as soon as he shined the Pepe Signal, Deborah Ramirez and Julie Swetnick told their stories.

Swetnick—in a sworn affidavit under threat of perjury—alleged that Kavanaugh was present at parties where women were drugged and gang-raped, which would be damning if Bill Cosby wasn’t such a popular comedian at the time. Americans love to emulate celebrities, whether it’s Kylie Jenner’s lips or Bill Cosby’s ‘ludes.

With the midterm elections so soon and the Ford family having already fled their home, Kavanaugh probably knows that it would be best for everyone if he were to just withdraw. But would an attempted rapist refuse to back off even as thousands of people are telling him no?

Ford may have passed a polygraph test, told the people closest to her about the assault long before Kavanaugh was even nominated, and dedicated her life to researching such trauma, but is that enough?

It’s not fair to expect Kavanaugh to remember what he did when he was blackout drunk, a state he reportedly spent a lot of time in. By having a traumatic, life-changing experience that was seared into her brain for decades, Ford is in a better position to recount the incident in question, which doesn’t seem like an even playing field.

At the end of the day, Ford may give a powerful testimony, but that doesn’t change the fact that she has two X chromosomes.

In the absence of an FBI investigation, it’s up to Americans to continue to choose our own facts as we see fit. But between the man who might lose everything and the woman who has already lost everything to bring this to our attention, I can’t decide which side to be on.

Want to improve your writing? Join Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class. Use code PIC for 10% off.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.