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The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time Experts Warn Prosecuting Assange Creates Slippery Slope To Where We Already Are Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron Kid About To Meet Brooklyn Nets Must Not Be Very Sick Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO Frustrated Writer Tosses Another Crumpled-Up Laptop In Trash Can Grindr Profile Picture Day My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater 5 Things To Know About BTS Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve Missing Boy Returns 8 Years Later as Black Woman NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes Astronomer Apologizes For Leaving Cherry Lifesaver On Telescope Lens Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ 5 Biggest Unanswered Questions For ‘Game Of Thrones’ Final Season Cackling Julian Assange Disintegrates Into Lines Of Code As Baffled Authorities Attempt To Handcuff Him Tangled, Pulsing Mass Of Visors, Polos, And Khaki Shorts Lurches Over Hill To Next Masters Hole Ecuadorian Embassy Runs Ad Seeking ‘No Drama’ Tenant For Newly Vacant Room
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