Homepage / Fake News / Where the Hell are All the Snowmen?
Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’ Historical Valentines – David Martin, Humor Times Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team Owen Robinson on Bill "Spaceman" Lee Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Kidnapper or Scam Call? Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019 List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those Resolutions! Kelsey Djupstrom on Lizzy Yarnold President Orders National Guard To Begin Work On Giant Cheeseburger A Tale of Two Evenings The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters Straight-Acting Who Cares About Heart? I Invented a Time Machine and, No, I Can’t Kill Hitler Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This Promise Kept: Donald J Trump – Just The Enema America Needs Myth Vs. Fact: Wine Trump Loots America: Before the Fall Sentimental Old Founder Renames Company J.D. Power And Friends We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered How Not to Wear Blackface for Any Reason Whatsoever

Fake News

Where the Hell are All the Snowmen?

We just had the biggest snowfall of the year, so I step out of my mother’s house expecting to see a winter wonderland of snowmen as far as the eye can see and NOTHING! I had to walk almost 5 blocks in nothing but my boxer shorts and favorite Holiday Inn bathrobe before I saw even one goddamn snowman. It was absolutely pathetic, and you know what? I blame the children.

What else could these kids have possibly been doing? Tweeting their local Congressman to approve gun control laws that will keep them safe in school? COME ON! They are children for Christ’s sake! They should be outside playing in the snow, not trying to get new legislation passed. I was a kid during the Vietnam War, and you bet your ass I was in the shit every day there was snow. I didn’t care about any war, or the safety of the free world. That was for the grown-ups to figure out. I was out in my front yard rollin’, packin’, and stackin’! That is your duty as a child in America. So these snowflakes need to buck up and make a proper fucking snowman.

The handful of “snowmen” that I did see in my neighborhood were just mounds of dirty black sludge with carrots sticking out of the top. It’s like these kids are too busy looking for jobs to help provide for their single-parent households, when they should be busy looking for some clean snow to roll! And don’t give me any of that, “The snow isn’t as packable these days because Global Warming is heating up the planet,” bull either. Save it for someone who has actually read a fucking book, nerd. Worst of all, there wasn’t a single goddamn top hat in the bunch! Not one! That’s a snowman staple! It’s not that hard to find a top hat for your snowman. It’s way easier than finding a way to pay for that fancy college education they’re gonna want in a few years. I mean, I have a wardrobe full of top hats. I’m wearing one right now. Come over to my mother’s house right now and I will give you a top hat for your kid’s snowman. Just don’t knock on the front door like a NEWB. It’s after 3 PM. Mother is sleeping.

Carrots and buttons for snowman

Illustration by Andrew Haener

When I was a kid I wasn’t cooped up inside all day on any anti-depressants because my crush didn’t respond to my latest social media post. Obviously, we didn’t have social media back then, but when I saw my crush throw away an unopened love letter I wrote her, I stuffed that hurt deep down inside myself and poured my blood, sweat, and tears into my snowmen. Seriously, every single snowman I ever made was covered in my blood. The snow was my canvas. I respected it. I feared it, and goddammit did I love it. Kids these days are too busy stressing themselves out over AP homework and “the perfect standardized test score” to replicate the true craftsmanship that went into what we were doing back then. We never studied for a single test between the months of December and February for our entire childhood. Our grades may have suffered but our snowmen sure did flourish.

One winter a boy who lived down the street from me, Timmy Bakersfield, crafted life-size snow replicas of his entire family on his front lawn. There was so much attention to detail in each one. It was absolutely stunning. The snow replica of his sister, Janet, was the most life-like. It really captured her essence. Janet was three years older than us in real life but as a snowman she somehow seemed ageless. You could get lost in her snow white eyes for hours. And I did. I fell in love with Snow Janet that winter. She made me forget all of those unopened love letters of my past. I may have only been 10 years old at the time, but I knew when I grew up I was going to marry that beautiful snow angel. Tragically, our time together was cut short by an unexpected heat wave in the middle of January that year. It’s still pretty hard to talk about…

But that’s not the point! The point is, kids today need to learn how to be goddamn kids again. They need to get out of the house. They need to get off of the Twitter and put down their pencils and books. They go outside to make quality, beautiful, sensitive, caring snowmen! I haven’t seen a snowman that I would even consider marrying since the mid-2000s and that needs to change.

We must make snowmen great again!

Illustrations by Andrew Haener. View full-size artwork.

jQuery(document).ready(function(t){function o(t,o,e){if(e){var a=new Date;a.setTime(a.getTime()+24*e*60*60*1e3);var i=”; expires=”+a.toGMTString()}else i=””;document.cookie=t+”=”+o+i+”; path=/”}t(document).on(“click”,”.yuzo_pro .relatedthumb, .yuzo_pro_w .relatedthumb”,function(e){if(e.preventDefault(),t(this).attr(“data-href”))var a=t(this).attr(“data-href”);else{var i=t(this);k=1;do{i=i.parent(),k++}while(!i.attr(“data-href”)&&k<10);a=t(this).attr("data-href")}var r=t(this).attr("target"),n=t(this).attr("data-id");o("yuzoclick_"+n,n+"|"+t(this).attr("data-ip"),.1),r?window.open(a):window.location.href=a}),function(){var e=function(t){var o=("; "+document.cookie).split("; "+t+"=");if(2==o.length)return o.pop().split(";").shift()}("yuzoclick_"+yuzo_js.post_id);if(e){var a=e.split("|");e=a[0];var i=a[1];e&&(o("yuzoclick_"+e,"",-1),t.ajax({url:yuzo_js.ajaxur,data:{action:"action_click",nonce:yuzo_js.nonce,post_id:e,ip:i},success:function(t){console.log(t)},type:"POST"}).fail(function(t,o,e){console.log(t),console.log("yuzo: Error count clicks:"+t+" textStatus:"+o+" errorThrown:"+e)}))}}()});

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.