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What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You

Duke Blue Devils: All it took was witnessing a young man nearly losing his career before ever earning a cent to finally get you pulling for Coach K’s dynasty.

VCU Rams: You refer to yourself as a “Richmond-Liberal”. Both sides don’t get it.

UCF Knights: You’ve blacked out at the Daytona 500 more than once.

Mississippi State Bulldogs: You’re not sure why Daily Stormer ads keep appearing on your browser.

Liberty University Flames: You love losing your bracket to own the libs.

Virginia Tech Hokies: You wear a vest once a week throughout the year.

Saint Louis Billikens: Not only can you explain what a Billiken is, there are two in your bedroom.

Maryland Terrapins: You find Miss Piggy’s efforts to fool Kermit into marrying her to be charming.

LSU Tigers: You say “geaux team” on company emails. You once sold an all-terrain vehicle to a man who claimed to be Britney Spears’s cousin on Craigslist.

Yale Bulldogs: You went to Yale, and your parents didn’t pay your way in. In fact, they never even loved you, did they?

Louisville Cardinals: You still wear pinstriped suits.

Minnesota Golden Gophers: You’re prepared to talk March Madness in the office kitchen for 40 hours if necessary.

Michigan State Spartans: You consider Sparty the ideal male body.

Bradley Braves: You liked all of Bradley Cooper’s movies. Even Limitless.

Texas Tech Red Raiders: You own guns, but you’re willing to give them up if the government offers a buyback program.

University of Virginia Cavaliers: Despite relentless praise from opposing coaches, a roster of future NBA players, and a 1 seed from the selection committee, nobody believes in the ‘Hoos more than you! You may or may not have erotic dreams about Thomas Jefferson.

Gardner-Webb Bulldogs: You can’t stop saying “Always bet on the Baptists!”

Ole Miss Rebels: You’re taking a 3-hour lunch on Thursday.

Oklahoma Sooners: You’re copying David’s pick because he’s the most recent college graduate, but little do you know he doesn’t even watch sports.

Wisconsin Badgers: You take charges in your local gym league. You claim to have been hypnotized by Paul Ryan’s blue eyes.

Oregon Ducks: You spent your tax return on new sneakers.

Kansas State Wildcats: You flipped a coin to determine whether Kansas State or Kentucky was the Wildest cat.

UC Irvine Anteaters: You had an unhealthy obsession with Arthur the Aardvark growing up. Also, if Kamala Harris isn’t elected president in 2020, you are moving to sub-Saharan Africa, where aardvarks roam free.

Villanova Wildcats: No matter what happens, you will remind everyone how you won your bracket last year.

St. Mary’s (CA) Gaels: You love Mahershala Ali, and totally knew about him before Moonlight.

Purdue Boilermakers: You have never hooked up with Mike Pence at a highway rest stop. Never. Not once.

Old Dominion Monarchs: You live in crippling fear that your fraternity’s long-lost blackface photos will someday resurface. Also, they will.

Cincinnati Bearcats: You’ve watched a tournament game in a strip club before.

Iowa Hawkeyes: You lost money investing in Matthew Whittaker’s big-dick toilet company.

Tennessee Volunteers: You believe the one-and-done rule is dumb, but you also think players should stay for all four years. Dolly Parton is also your godmother.

Colgate Raiders: You’ve been writing your debut novel for 8 years.

Gonzaga Bulldogs: You understand what the Pomeroy Assist Ratio is and have tried explaining it to your bartender.

Syracuse Orange: You believe college athletes should be paid a salary based on the revenue their team earns for the school.

Baylor Golden Bears: You own guns, and unlike those wimps at Texas Tech, you are NOT willing to give them up.

Marquette Eagles: You go to a Jesuit high school and lost your Juul last weekend. American Psycho is your favorite movie.

Murray State Racers: You know which college basketball players are from Kentucky, and you resent the ones that went out of state.

Florida State Seminoles: You’ve funded an Animal House reboot on Kickstarter.

Vermont Catamounts: You’re willing to streak if the Catamounts pull this one off.

Buffalo Bulls: You fancy yourself a chicken wing aficionado; and have strong opinions on whether Triple Atomic, 7 Alarm, or Armageddon wings are hottest.

Northern Kentucky Norse: You enjoy Meade and you’re upset the Bud Light commercials gave it a bad rep.

Nevada Wolf Pack: You regret your first tattoo, but you know you’d regret paying for a removal even more.

Florida Gators: Your first child was born in 2008. You remind twenty-somethings in your office about how closely you followed sports before you had kids.

Michigan Wolverines: You watch college basketball on your phone. You don’t hate Ohio State as much as you say you do.

Montana Grizzlies: You love to bow hunt, and you always eat what you kill.

North Carolina Tar Heels: You follow your favorite player’s girlfriend on Instagram.

Iona Gales: The degree in your parent’s basement is the only proof you went to Iona.

Utah State Aggies: You worked as a ski instructor after college. Sometimes you fear your happiest days are behind you.

Washington Huskies: You are Markelle Fultz, point guard for the Orlando Magic and first overall pick of the 2017 NBA draft. Everyone’s rooting for you next season.

Auburn Tigers: You believe college athletes shouldn’t be paid directly, but that they should be allowed to profit from their celebrity in the form of autographs, merchandise, and public appearances.

New Mexico State Aggies: Your godfather gave you a New Mexico State hat for your fifth birthday. You lived in Philadelphia and he lived in New York. You didn’t see him again for ten years.

Kansas Jayhawks: You quit gambling to save your marriage ten years ago, but this just feels like the Jayhawks year.

Northeastern Huskies: You are the father of Serbian sharpshooter Vasa Pusica.

Iowa State Cyclones: The Iowa Caucus is your favorite holiday. You think a Republican should challenge Trump in 2020.

Ohio State Buckeyes: You are close personal friends with Sherrod Brown’s hairdresser

Houston Cougars: You know as much about basketball as Beto O’Rourke does about policy, but that won’t stop either of you from claiming you’re an expert.

Georgia State Panthers: Golf’s your favorite sport. You’re more excited about The Masters, anyway.

Wofford Terriers: Always the contrarian, you aren’t even excited for Game Of Thrones to return.

Seton Hall Pirates: You think modern athletes are soft. You also yelled at an ice cream truck to turn its music down last summer.

Kentucky Wildcats: You started listening to Drake as a joke and now he’s your favorite artist. You’ve blacked out at three of the last four Kentucky Derbies.

Abilene Christian Wildcats: You don’t believe college athletes should be paid at all.

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