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Fake News

What Your “I Voted” Sticker Placement Says About You

Placed firmly on the lapel of your suit jacket next to your smartly matched clip-on tie: You hope to one day be the leader of some political party but you really don’t care which one.

Placed on your well-defined arm hanging out of a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off: You are a competitive cross-fitter.

Worn just above your button-down shirt pocket next to your pro-life pin: You shot down “Red Wave” as a party hashtag because that just sounded like something that generates from the female parts and you just, no, gross, we don’t talk about such things. Ew.

Preserved in a shadow box for sale on Etsy for only $149.95, with original hand-lettering describing how you felt about the ballot along with cross-stitched date and time: You also appear to enjoy carving pumpkins and decorating cookies with small children but no one really believes you, Karen. No one.

You put it on your laptop cover with the last 10 voting stickers you got: You like to vote but you don’t really follow politics. You just like the way the booths make you feel. Before you fill out your ballot, you’ve been known to do that thing with your arms that makes it look like you’re making out with someone.

Worn just for a selfie and then threw it away: Your mother will never believe you if you don’t have proof, just like with your first marriage. But you don’t want to wear it either because you’d rather not inspire a political conversation at your white, male-dominated workplace. It being such a tough time for them lately and all.

Stuck on your forehead: You’re actually a 13-year-old boy who was supposed to be listening to poll workers while you were on a field trip for government class but your buddy Dustin dared you to steal a sticker.

Your toddler is wearing it: You did your civic duty. You may have let your 3-year-old fill in your ballot. He thinks Batman is running to unseat Commissioner Gordon. You’re fine with that but are secretly hoping Commissioner Gordon wins.

Stuck on the back of your hand next to a heart drawn in glitter gel pen: You didn’t actually vote because you’re only in middle school but your really smart boyfriend did. Well, he’s not your boyfriend, really, but you sit next to him at the library all the time while your older sister studies and you asked him if you could have it. Well, really you didn’t ask, you just waited until he went up to the reference desk and you took it off his laptop cover. What? He had like 10 others on there, he won’t miss it.

Crumpled up and thrown away, then you take a picture of the trash can and post on Facebook as a screenshot of a Snapchat post with the text, “don’t need to prove it!”: Your name is Derrick and you’re 23. You don’t actually work but talk a lot about your start-up company and use a P.O. Box to divert mailings away from your parent’s house. They would like you to return their Game of Thrones DVDs, Land’s End catalogues, and their laminating machine.

Stuck to the dashboard of your vintage Westfalia camper van with a wide variety of other stickers: You have a beard and long hair, you think everyone should just be allowed to be who they are but you don’t know if you understand transgender politics, yet. You may or may not have fought in a war and you like any kind of tea-cup sized dog.

Stuck to your cubicle wall with a push-pin that matches the color of “your party”: You work in middle-management but your team really likes you, you think. You support pizza Fridays and arrange an ice-cream social once a month to keep morale high. Sometimes your boss notices you but not for the really hard work you do and you would like to lose about 20 pounds.

You used it as “tape” to repair a report for your boss that ripped because it got caught in your car door as you bolted for the office because you were late: You also have a coffee stain on your pants and misplaced your driver’s license somewhere in the 10 feet between the polling location and your car. You can’t really remember who you voted for or why. You may or may not have taken your daughter’s ADHD medicine this morning instead of your own blood pressure pills but you treat yourself to a frappuccino with extra espresso shots anyway because even though it was ripped and slightly damp from an unknown substance, you deserve a reward for being resourceful!

Tucked in your wallet, still unused: You are a grandma.

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