Homepage / Fake News / What Your “I Voted” Sticker Placement Says About You
David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns

Fake News

What Your “I Voted” Sticker Placement Says About You


Placed firmly on the lapel of your suit jacket next to your smartly matched clip-on tie: You hope to one day be the leader of some political party but you really don’t care which one.

Placed on your well-defined arm hanging out of a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off: You are a competitive cross-fitter.

Worn just above your button-down shirt pocket next to your pro-life pin: You shot down “Red Wave” as a party hashtag because that just sounded like something that generates from the female parts and you just, no, gross, we don’t talk about such things. Ew.

Preserved in a shadow box for sale on Etsy for only $149.95, with original hand-lettering describing how you felt about the ballot along with cross-stitched date and time: You also appear to enjoy carving pumpkins and decorating cookies with small children but no one really believes you, Karen. No one.

You put it on your laptop cover with the last 10 voting stickers you got: You like to vote but you don’t really follow politics. You just like the way the booths make you feel. Before you fill out your ballot, you’ve been known to do that thing with your arms that makes it look like you’re making out with someone.

Worn just for a selfie and then threw it away: Your mother will never believe you if you don’t have proof, just like with your first marriage. But you don’t want to wear it either because you’d rather not inspire a political conversation at your white, male-dominated workplace. It being such a tough time for them lately and all.

Stuck on your forehead: You’re actually a 13-year-old boy who was supposed to be listening to poll workers while you were on a field trip for government class but your buddy Dustin dared you to steal a sticker.

Your toddler is wearing it: You did your civic duty. You may have let your 3-year-old fill in your ballot. He thinks Batman is running to unseat Commissioner Gordon. You’re fine with that but are secretly hoping Commissioner Gordon wins.

Stuck on the back of your hand next to a heart drawn in glitter gel pen: You didn’t actually vote because you’re only in middle school but your really smart boyfriend did. Well, he’s not your boyfriend, really, but you sit next to him at the library all the time while your older sister studies and you asked him if you could have it. Well, really you didn’t ask, you just waited until he went up to the reference desk and you took it off his laptop cover. What? He had like 10 others on there, he won’t miss it.

Crumpled up and thrown away, then you take a picture of the trash can and post on Facebook as a screenshot of a Snapchat post with the text, “don’t need to prove it!”: Your name is Derrick and you’re 23. You don’t actually work but talk a lot about your start-up company and use a P.O. Box to divert mailings away from your parent’s house. They would like you to return their Game of Thrones DVDs, Land’s End catalogues, and their laminating machine.

Stuck to the dashboard of your vintage Westfalia camper van with a wide variety of other stickers: You have a beard and long hair, you think everyone should just be allowed to be who they are but you don’t know if you understand transgender politics, yet. You may or may not have fought in a war and you like any kind of tea-cup sized dog.

Stuck to your cubicle wall with a push-pin that matches the color of “your party”: You work in middle-management but your team really likes you, you think. You support pizza Fridays and arrange an ice-cream social once a month to keep morale high. Sometimes your boss notices you but not for the really hard work you do and you would like to lose about 20 pounds.

You used it as “tape” to repair a report for your boss that ripped because it got caught in your car door as you bolted for the office because you were late: You also have a coffee stain on your pants and misplaced your driver’s license somewhere in the 10 feet between the polling location and your car. You can’t really remember who you voted for or why. You may or may not have taken your daughter’s ADHD medicine this morning instead of your own blood pressure pills but you treat yourself to a frappuccino with extra espresso shots anyway because even though it was ripped and slightly damp from an unknown substance, you deserve a reward for being resourceful!

Tucked in your wallet, still unused: You are a grandma.

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish