McIntosh: You were held back a grade in school, but it was kindergarten so you don’t think it counts.
Honeycrisp: You backstabbing son of a bitch. You can’t keep a secret to save your life. Not that you really try. You live for drama and you don’t even care that Michelle and Bridget aren’t friends anymore.
Braeburn: “We should totally go camping! I swear it’ll be super fun!” —You
Golden Delicious: You always have your head in the clouds, and by clouds, I mean a cloud of smoke. 420 baby.
Jazz: Look, yes, you beat out Bridget for the lead in all four of your high school spring musicals, but that was more than 10 years ago. Stop talking about it.
Empire: You screamed at your friends during the season finale of Game of Thrones because they were talking too much. They might have left your apartment and never called you again, but at least you and your bearded dragon, Spike, have some peace and quiet now.
Fuji: You’re an Instagram influencer who hopes to parlay their lifestyle account with 5,000 followers into a full-time job and get back at Michelle for getting cast as the lead in all the spring musicals in high school. You won’t work a day in your life if you turn your entire life into work, right? What’s taking 37 photos of the same bowl of oatmeal while it gets soggy in exchange for never having to commute to an office? LOL!
Gala: You wish you were an Instagram influencer who could parlay their lifestyle account with 5,000 followers into a full-time job and stick it to Michelle. But sadly, your account won’t budge from 463 followers. What’s their secret? you think to yourself as you shove a Trader Joe’s salad into your face at your desk.
Granny Smith: You are a granny. Last name Smith.
Jonagold: You really want to ask your boss for a raise, but every time you think about doing it, you throw up a little in your mouth. Maybe next year.
Pink Lady: Ya basic. Your favorite phrase is “When in Rome!” but you don’t really know what it means. You just know that if you say it and then take a swig of vodka, people around you laugh. Except for Bridget. She doesn’t laugh anymore.
Cortland: You find all your apples, and all your other food for that matter, in dumpsters behind the grocery store. Just because they throw it out doesn’t mean it’s bad! You don’t know if your parents are disappointed in you or not because you don’t have a cell phone.
Red Delicious: You’re a maverick. A rebel. A contrarian, if you will. But you’re not different for the sake of it, like that bitch Michelle. You really love what you love, even if it’s terrible.
Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.