Homepage / Fake News / What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You
Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE The 8 Types of Players In Every Game of 'Never Have I Ever' New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh Gentrification Begets Gentrification – Jim Hightower, Humor Times If Movie Posters Were Honest (September 2018 Edition) Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON'T CANCEL Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions Cameraman Strikes Gold With Tubby Fan Eating Ice Cream, Dancing, Holding Baby Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric 7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News 6 Style Guides For College Freshman Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low

Fake News

What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You



McIntosh: You were held back a grade in school, but it was kindergarten so you don’t think it counts.

Honeycrisp: You backstabbing son of a bitch. You can’t keep a secret to save your life. Not that you really try. You live for drama and you don’t even care that Michelle and Bridget aren’t friends anymore.

Braeburn: “We should totally go camping! I swear it’ll be super fun!” —You

Golden Delicious: You always have your head in the clouds, and by clouds, I mean a cloud of smoke. 420 baby.

Jazz: Look, yes, you beat out Bridget for the lead in all four of your high school spring musicals, but that was more than 10 years ago. Stop talking about it.

Empire: You screamed at your friends during the season finale of Game of Thrones because they were talking too much. They might have left your apartment and never called you again, but at least you and your bearded dragon, Spike, have some peace and quiet now.

Fuji: You’re an Instagram influencer who hopes to parlay their lifestyle account with 5,000 followers into a full-time job and get back at Michelle for getting cast as the lead in all the spring musicals in high school. You won’t work a day in your life if you turn your entire life into work, right? What’s taking 37 photos of the same bowl of oatmeal while it gets soggy in exchange for never having to commute to an office? LOL!

Gala: You wish you were an Instagram influencer who could parlay their lifestyle account with 5,000 followers into a full-time job and stick it to Michelle. But sadly, your account won’t budge from 463 followers. What’s their secret? you think to yourself as you shove a Trader Joe’s salad into your face at your desk.

Granny Smith: You are a granny. Last name Smith.

Jonagold: You really want to ask your boss for a raise, but every time you think about doing it, you throw up a little in your mouth. Maybe next year.

Pink Lady: Ya basic. Your favorite phrase is “When in Rome!” but you don’t really know what it means. You just know that if you say it and then take a swig of vodka, people around you laugh. Except for Bridget. She doesn’t laugh anymore.

Cortland: You find all your apples, and all your other food for that matter, in dumpsters behind the grocery store. Just because they throw it out doesn’t mean it’s bad! You don’t know if your parents are disappointed in you or not because you don’t have a cell phone.

Red Delicious: You’re a maverick. A rebel. A contrarian, if you will. But you’re not different for the sake of it, like that bitch Michelle. You really love what you love, even if it’s terrible.


Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” course, a fav among our writers, starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish