Homepage / Fake News / What Did You Do This Summer?
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

What Did You Do This Summer?

You went to the beach? Splendid. I love the beach. Fortunately, I was able to spend all June at my family’s house in Bermuda.

You read? Love it. Nothing beats a pleasant beach read. My favorite is Anna Karenina. I finished it over mojitos my first week in Bermuda.

You went camping? At Assateague Island? How nice! Camping is one of my favorites. I actually just spent two weeks at the base of the Grand Canyon. It’s so cool at the bottom that you don’t even need a Yeti cooler to keep your drinks chilled.

You visited Austin? So trendy. Austin’s one of my favorites. I stopped there for a weekend in July while road tripping to visit friends in Nashville, New Orleans, Austin, Boulder, Vegas, LA, Portland, Bozeman, Jackson Hole, Chicago, Brooklyn, Nantucket and Richmond. Oh and Charleston! I always forget Charleston.

You marched on Washington? Go you. I was there marching with Antifa a few weeks back. My daughter loathes Trump, so I organized a counter-protest against Unite the Right 2. By the time we all gathered on Lafayette Square, only about 40 Nazis showed up. I was expecting more fireworks, but it was still a wonderful birthday party.

You stayed home and relaxed? Oh, me too, friend. Get this, I paid an experimental physician to sedate me from Memorial Day to Labor Day so that I could retain the foundational bliss of sleep without actually resting all summer long. I feel great, and thanks to the tanning bed, I look it too!

Oh, you were too busy with work to relax? Tell me about it. They say working at the highest level of the CIA is a 24/7 job for a reason. Even when I say I’m on vacation or summering in Bermuda, I’m really working. Some leads just happen to take me to Charleston. What am I working on? I can’t tell you that; I’m not even supposed to tell you I work for the CIA. I trust that this discussion will remain between the two of us.

You ran a marathon? Impressive! How was it? I bet. The first five are always the hardest, then you move on to Ironmans. This summer I completed an UltraIronman. We started in Russia, where I told my boss I had to follow a lead, to swim across the Bering Strait. We immediately biked through Alaska afterwards, then ran to Seattle through Canada. It was grueling, but it was worth it for a picture at the finish line. Not to mention the free beer!

You saw ancient monuments? How old were they? Wow, 3,000 years really puts life into perspective doesn’t it? My husband and I recently took a helicopter into the jungles of Honduras, and—after some bartering—managed to visit the Lost City of the Monkey God. The ruins aren’t in great shape, in fact they weren’t even worth Instagramming. My husband quipped about how that’s what cities get when they don’t pay taxes for 5,000 years. Did you get any souvenirs? Too bad, I smuggled a cute monkey engraving. The man at Sotheby’s appraised it at $2 million, but you can’t put a price tag on a memory, can you?

You visited Europe? Hurra! What was your favorite part? Florence? Omg yas. I studied watercolors there this month before deciding my time on the continent shouldn’t be constrained to the summer. I live in Cannes now. The kids weren’t thrilled to leave America one week before school—in fact they were even angrier than my boss, who really did not appreciate me “stealing an historically, culturally, and anthropologically significant artifact”—but they will change their tone when they see the coast and learn the language. I’m just happy to turn a new leaf. After all, isn’t that what fall is all about?

Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.