Homepage / Fake News / What Did You Do This Summer?
Devil's Triangle [Full Episode] He Finally Gets 48 – A Textoon Brexit Dilemma Journal Entries Show That Henry Ford Invented the Weekend in Part Because He Loved to Get Wrecked in a Major Way Bush, Loafers Thrown At Him Reunite On NBC For 10-Year Anniversary Special Kirstjen Nielsen Urges Migrant Parents Leave The Weak Ones Behind This Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House Down Charlottesville Jury Recommends 419 Years Plus Life For Neo-Nazi Who Killed Protester Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ List: Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood Indoctrinate-TED Parking a Giant Robot is Hard Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die

Fake News

What Did You Do This Summer?



You went to the beach? Splendid. I love the beach. Fortunately, I was able to spend all June at my family’s house in Bermuda.

You read? Love it. Nothing beats a pleasant beach read. My favorite is Anna Karenina. I finished it over mojitos my first week in Bermuda.

You went camping? At Assateague Island? How nice! Camping is one of my favorites. I actually just spent two weeks at the base of the Grand Canyon. It’s so cool at the bottom that you don’t even need a Yeti cooler to keep your drinks chilled.

You visited Austin? So trendy. Austin’s one of my favorites. I stopped there for a weekend in July while road tripping to visit friends in Nashville, New Orleans, Austin, Boulder, Vegas, LA, Portland, Bozeman, Jackson Hole, Chicago, Brooklyn, Nantucket and Richmond. Oh and Charleston! I always forget Charleston.

You marched on Washington? Go you. I was there marching with Antifa a few weeks back. My daughter loathes Trump, so I organized a counter-protest against Unite the Right 2. By the time we all gathered on Lafayette Square, only about 40 Nazis showed up. I was expecting more fireworks, but it was still a wonderful birthday party.

You stayed home and relaxed? Oh, me too, friend. Get this, I paid an experimental physician to sedate me from Memorial Day to Labor Day so that I could retain the foundational bliss of sleep without actually resting all summer long. I feel great, and thanks to the tanning bed, I look it too!

Oh, you were too busy with work to relax? Tell me about it. They say working at the highest level of the CIA is a 24/7 job for a reason. Even when I say I’m on vacation or summering in Bermuda, I’m really working. Some leads just happen to take me to Charleston. What am I working on? I can’t tell you that; I’m not even supposed to tell you I work for the CIA. I trust that this discussion will remain between the two of us.

You ran a marathon? Impressive! How was it? I bet. The first five are always the hardest, then you move on to Ironmans. This summer I completed an UltraIronman. We started in Russia, where I told my boss I had to follow a lead, to swim across the Bering Strait. We immediately biked through Alaska afterwards, then ran to Seattle through Canada. It was grueling, but it was worth it for a picture at the finish line. Not to mention the free beer!

You saw ancient monuments? How old were they? Wow, 3,000 years really puts life into perspective doesn’t it? My husband and I recently took a helicopter into the jungles of Honduras, and—after some bartering—managed to visit the Lost City of the Monkey God. The ruins aren’t in great shape, in fact they weren’t even worth Instagramming. My husband quipped about how that’s what cities get when they don’t pay taxes for 5,000 years. Did you get any souvenirs? Too bad, I smuggled a cute monkey engraving. The man at Sotheby’s appraised it at $2 million, but you can’t put a price tag on a memory, can you?

You visited Europe? Hurra! What was your favorite part? Florence? Omg yas. I studied watercolors there this month before deciding my time on the continent shouldn’t be constrained to the summer. I live in Cannes now. The kids weren’t thrilled to leave America one week before school—in fact they were even angrier than my boss, who really did not appreciate me “stealing an historically, culturally, and anthropologically significant artifact”—but they will change their tone when they see the coast and learn the language. I’m just happy to turn a new leaf. After all, isn’t that what fall is all about?


Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish