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Fake News

Welcome to Your Local Public Library – Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave!


Roz Warren, Welcome to Your Local Public Library — Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave!

“Please Take Your Dildos With You When You Leave” and other warning signs libraries may need these days.

A librarian pal recently posted the following question on a Facebook group for librarians: “If there were a sign that prohibited the craziest, oddest or grossest thing that has happened at your library, what would it say?”

If you think libraries are serene and uneventful places to work, their answers might surprise you:

No pulling your pants down and pretending to poop on our American flag.

Don’t get down on your hands and knees, pretend that you’re a dog and have your friends chase you around the Quiet Reading Room.

Don’t lie down on the floor, pull out your penis and waggle it at old ladies.

No suicide attempts at the multimedia desk.

Please do not ask library staff if we are wearing black pantyhose.

Please bandage all head wounds before using library-owned headphones.

Please take your dildos with you when you leave.

No defecating in books by authors whose political views you oppose.

Do not return our books in “sticky” condition.

Paperback spinners are not urinals.

Please do not remove your clothing.

No weapons, even if they are antique.

No masturbating in front of the nuns.

No masturbating on female patrons from the mezzanine.

Don’t clip your toenails over the computer keyboards.

People who leave wet, partially chewed piles of sunflower seeds on our book shelves will be taken out and shot.

Please do not pay library fines with money you’ve just pulled out of your underwear.

No sex in the bathroom.

No taking photos of women’s feet under the tables.

Don’t call the reference desk and ask the librarian if you can suck her boobs.

The public use microwave shall not be used to cook squirrel.

If you wouldn’t think of doing any of these things in a library? I’d like to thank you on behalf of library workers everywhere. And if you were about to head over to the library to take a few sneaky feet photos, strip and then cook up some roadkill?

Better think twice. We’re onto you.

(Roz Warren is the author of “Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor” and “Just Another Day at Your Local Public Library.”)

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