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Fake News

Welcome to Your Guided Meditation for Creatives


First, let’s begin by inhaling and acknowledging that yes, we are calling ourselves “creatives.” As you inhale, free yourself from the confines of what you believe that label means. You could be an artist or writer, of course. But perhaps you have reinterpreted a tofu scramble into a tofu scramble leftover burrito or used your sleeve as a napkin. This is being a creative. Breathe in and recognize we are constantly creating. Turning inspiration into art, air into breath, water into piss. Have you ever had a dream while sleeping? That makes you a creative, my friend. Oh, you can exhale now. I should have said that earlier.

As you continue to breathe with intention, individually relax every part of your body you’ve exhausted today. Relax your hands, which have been curled over the keyboard typing “guided meditation but for artists.” Relax your wrists, tense from hours of scrolling Instagram. Relax your neck which apparently has muscles. Did you know that? Resist the urge to Google it and check. Maybe when your neck gets tired from being hunched over your phone instead of working on the open laptop in front of you that can count as exercise. That’s happened at least twice this morning. You deserve this time to relax after such strenuous activity.

Now that all three parts of your body you’ve used today are relaxed, let’s clear our minds. Perhaps you’ve recently been bogged down with thoughts of work or personal projects or that time in middle school when you pronounced “esophagus” wrong and even the teacher laughed. Release those thoughts and repurpose them into motivation, sweet creative. Find solace in the fact that no one else probably even remembers you used a hard “p”, right? It was so long ago and happened the same week Justin C. barfed in gym class, which totally overshadowed your thing. Envision a bright white light and let it fill your mind like the fluorescent lights filled the gymnasium. Allow yourself to wonder if Justin C. is still kind of hot and has acid reflux.

If you aren’t already in a comfortable position—hahaha just kidding, you’ve been alternating between laying down on the couch, the floor, and your bed all day. Maybe you should find a less comfortable position? That might help with concentration.

Now that we’re well into our meditation session, stop and rearrange your bookshelf. Go ahead. You’ve been thinking about doing it anyway, and now I’m telling you it’s okay. It’s like productive procrastination which is almost like meditation. Wow. You have just reinvented meditation, my dear creative. Why don’t you go tweet about it real quick? Your mind deserves the break and your soul craves the immediate positive affirmation.

[34 minutes of ambient bird sounds]

So sorry! I left to make tea because I remembered a study that said it could help me feel more creative. Then, I was wondering whether I should do the dishes while I was in there or keep meditating or actually get back to doing work. I did this all while standing over the kitchen sink and shoving handfuls of crackers into my mouth. I continued doing it for half an hour which I think makes it count as self-care.

Okay, let’s settle back into our breath. Envision ocean waves or falling rain or something else wet and calm. Inhale through your nose and exhale through—oh, the tea is ready now!

Congratulations, you’ve completed the guided meditation for creatives. Don’t feel rushed to reenter the world. Use the remaining 29 minutes left on this track to slowly awaken, think of a tweet and then not tweet it, or take your second nap of the day. I will be here as well, eating more of those crackers and thinking about Justin C.

I hope you feel relaxed, rejuvenated, and ready to go find a personality test to further procrastinate doing any actual work.


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