Homepage / Fake News / Welcome to the Megabus Team, Newly Hired Customer Service Ambassador!
Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE The 8 Types of Players In Every Game of 'Never Have I Ever' New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh Gentrification Begets Gentrification – Jim Hightower, Humor Times If Movie Posters Were Honest (September 2018 Edition) Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON'T CANCEL Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions Cameraman Strikes Gold With Tubby Fan Eating Ice Cream, Dancing, Holding Baby Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric 7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News 6 Style Guides For College Freshman Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low

Fake News

Welcome to the Megabus Team, Newly Hired Customer Service Ambassador!



Hello there new Megabus team member DEVIN!

We are thrilled to have you aboard, and wish you a warm welcome to the best long-distance bus service on the market.

In your new role as Customer Service Ambassador, we are excited to tap into the extensive customer service experience you gained: “FEEDING YOUR NEIGHBOR RHONDA’S PARAKEET FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE SHE WAS IN NEW ORLEANS FOR THE ESSENCE FESTIVAL,” as listed on your online application.

When looking for new members to join the Megabus family, we look for people with a very specific work ethic, mentality, and personality—someone that will reinforce the values of our company, and make sure our customers are getting exactly what they paid for. When you described yourself as someone who: “PREFERS WORKING ALONE TO WORKING IN A GROUP, NO PATIENCE FOR REPEATING MYSELF, WHY STAND WHEN YOU CAN SIT,” we knew you were Megabus material. Without folks like you, our company simply wouldn’t be able to operate.

But before we get too far into the roles and responsibilities specific to your position, it is important that you understand the Four Core Values of Megabus:

  1. Efficiency
  2. Affordability
  3. Comfort
  4. Confusion

Now, we understand that many new-hires find our company’s commitment to confusion a bit, for lack of a better word, confusing. But the fact of the matter is, travelers love to be confused. In many cases, the more confused a traveler is, the more they are willing to pay. We call this the Confusion Paradigm©.

Take international tourism, for example. Is anything more confusing than stepping off of a Boeing 747 in the middle of the Czech Republic and navigating to the nearest thermal spa for an exotic dip in the community baths? But that didn’t stop travelers from plunking down $1.37 trillion USD in International Tourism in 2015. The Confusion Paradigm© sits at the crux of everything we do as a company, and is the most important of the Four Core Values.

As a Customer Service Ambassador, you will be a foot soldier of confusion, playing a hands-on role in keeping customers anxious, nervous, and coming back for more. For new team members who may not feel comfortable cultivating an environment of confusion and anxiety on their own just yet, we recommend employing the following tactics to get the ball rolling:

  • Set up lines that do not lead to anything. If a customer asks what the line is for, give vague answers like, “It’s the Express,” or “It’s not for you.”
  • When a customer complains about the WiFi not working, suggest that they plug their phone into the complimentary outlet below their seat.
  • When a customer complains that their outlet does not work, suggest that they try turning their complimentary WiFi off and back on again.
  • Respond to any questions about a bus’s destination with “Philadelphia.”
  • Ignore any question about seat reservations. Some customers will believe they exist, some customers will believe they do not. They are both right.
  • Establish doubt in passengers’ minds about whether using the bus’s bathroom for “Number 2” is not permitted or is just morally frowned upon. This can be done through subtle comments in your pre-departure speech, or a generally annoyed face.

Remember, confusion is at the heart of everything we do here. Without it, we are nothing.

If you have any questions beyond what you included in your online application: “WHAT IS TIME OFF POLICY AND DO I HAVE TO STAND UP AT BUS DEPARTURE ZONE OR CAN I BRING A CHAIR FROM HOME?” please direct those to your regional director.

Best wishes,
Megabus Corp.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish