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Fake News

Welcome to Orangetheory Fitness, Where We Push it to the Limit, And Then, Like, A Whole Lot More After That



Hey there, future theorist! Is this your first time in the studio? Great! Your first class is on us. Follow me and I’ll show you around and let you know what to expect from day one. I’m so excited for you! Can you tell? If you can, please make note of it on a comment card on your way out.

First thing’s first: strap this heart rate monitor around your neck. Pull it tight. Tighter. Perfect. We used to attach them just above the elbow, but here at Orangetheory, we believe in scientific accuracy. Did you know the jugular produces a 0.02% more precise reading?

While we’re here, please sign this waiver promising you won’t steal the heart rate monitor. If you try, we’ll cut it from your neck and if we happen to sever your largest artery, well, that’s just the sort of thing that can happen when you break a promise.

Great, now that that’s out of the way, come over here to this one-way mirror so we can observe the subjects—I mean, the class—currently in session.

You see that row of treadmills right there? That’s where we used to do our High Intensity Interval Training, (HIIT) which uses short periods of intense effort interwoven with longer periods of lighter effort to push the body harder than traditional workouts. But we simply weren’t burning enough calories. That’s why we swapped it out for High Intensity Forever Training (HIFT), which uses the same basic theory behind HIIT, but never stops increasing in intensity.

Until, of course, your heart stops beating.

At this point, we enter Phase Two of the workout, which kicks off with the coach deploying a SHOK™ defibrillator, zapping the theorist back to life, and slinging his or her convulsing body onto a water resistance rowing machine. By harnessing the heaving, post-cardiac-arrest-induced seizures to their advantage, we routinely see theorists hitting milestones beyond their wildest dreams.

After a brief recovery period of 30 seconds, it’s time for Phase Three, the strength training portion of the class. Previously, we encouraged theorists to use weights with which they could safely execute 6-12 reps with proper form. That was before we opened our eyes and saw the massive pile of gains left sitting on the table.

Did you know that in a scenario of extreme psychological distress, the human body is able to perform at 150% of its normal maximum effort? We put this theory to the test by broadcasting a live video feed of our theorists’ families bound and gagged in a dark, unfinished basement, and let me tell you, the science is sound. Not only have members doubled the amount of weight they’re lifting, they’re surpassing 20 reps before we have the chance to scream, “3, 2, 1, GO!”

People are loving the new program. Just listen to these testimonials from our response cards:

“The gains…THE GAINS…OH GOD, THE GAINS!”

“Who am I? Where am I? What am I?”

“I’m melting!”

Oh, I almost forgot to mention our new stretching routine. Ever heard of a medieval rack? As Dick Cheney famously said, the results speak for themselves.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.




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