Homepage / Fake News / We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, not an Eater of Babies
This Short Story Has Truly Tickled My Tinglewomble The Things You Notice On Your First Run in a While This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options

Fake News

We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, not an Eater of Babies



Friends, our nation lost a great figure last weekend. As we all now know, Gulak the Baby-Eater passed away after trying to eat a particularly large baby at a county fair. Our condolences to the parents of the baby, of course, but that isn’t who we are here to celebrate today.

No, today we honor the legacy of Gulak the Baby-Eater, an American iconoclast who embodied the bravery and individualism required to make a career out of eating babies for nickels at public events.

Now, I didn’t agree with everything Gulak the Baby-Eater said and did. For example, his practice of eating babies. I was also troubled by his stance on affirmative action, but that’s neither here nor there.

To those who would judge him harshly in death, I would ask you to look at the context of the man’s words and actions. We all know that Gulak was born human, but was abandoned by his family in a forest during a blood moon and was shortly thereafter captured and raised by the ogres that rule the mountainous plains. Normally the ogres would have devoured him, but since he was no longer a baby but instead a tall, stringy human child, he was adopted into their tribe and raised according to their customs.

While humans frown on baby eating, it is an incredibly popular practice among ogres. Human babies are delicacies to ogres, and we cannot bear too much anger towards Gulak for simply following the social norms of the culture in which he was raised. He was a product of his time and place, no more culpable for his actions than Henry Kissinger, Baroth the Bone-Pulverizer, or the Unabomber.

I would argue that these negative “hot takes” about Gulak sully his memory in this time of mourning. Instead of focusing on a career spent eating babies, we should focus on the better qualities of the man that ate them. Gulak the Baby-Eater was a man of conviction, and principles, and ignoring those principles just long enough that he could continue to line his pockets with the nickels of hicks and rubes who did not believe a man would eat an entire baby in one sitting at a county fair.

Despite his years of profitable baby-eating, Gulak the Baby-Eater showed genuine remorse for his actions on many occasions. Often he would speak out at the carnivals and boat shows he was booked at, saying things such as “I am sorry I am going to eat this baby” and “It is really a shame that people have to eat babies for nickels in this day and age, but oh well, pass me that baby”.

Gulak the Baby-Eater was not afraid to speak out against the practice of baby-eating, and to decry the ridiculous amount of money he made from people who wanted to watch him do it.

And yes, he did continue to eat babies, but he looked very sad when he did it.

Also, consider all the babies that Gulak failed to devour throughout his career. This beautiful country of ours is full of large, succulent babies that were not eaten by Gulak at all, not even a little bit. It is a testament to his principles that he only ate as many babies as he absolutely needed to, leaving thousands of other babies untouched in their cradles and pack-and-plays.

Those babies and their parents owe their thanks to Gulak the Baby-Eater. A man who had the strength of character to look down at a ball-pit full of toddlers at a Magic Mountain and say, “No thank you, I have eaten my fill of babies today.”

After all, in the end, isn’t it just as much about the babies he didn’t eat?

So please join me in remembering Gulak the Baby-Eater: not as he was, but as we liked to believe he was. A hero. A patriot. A servant. A person who loved this country. And a person who we have all agreed to celebrate despite the fact he ate babies for nickels at many, many public events.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.


Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish