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Fake News

Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird

1. Dress up like that roadrunner he’s always chasing and trick your bro, a coyote who is also a cartoon, into chasing you.

There is nothing more disappointing than texting your dude and asking him to hit Atlantic City with you so you can drain the Big Bang Theory slot machine of money like pus oozing from a cyst, but he’s busy in the desert chasing the being that has consumed his waking thoughts.

Pretending to be that very creature is a great idea because there’s no better way to earn back your friend’s trust than by immediately deceiving him. Once he catches you, take off your disguise and say, “Hey dude, it’s me. We have a date with Sheldon, Leonard, Penny, Raj, and Howard in AC. Let’s go.”

Who could say no to that offer?

2. On a solid wall, paint a picture of the roadrunner standing at the end of a tunnel.

Be sure to paint a look on its face that says, “Come on big boy… You want a bite?” to coax the coyote. More often than not, he’s going to see that image, get so excited that he forgets it’s a painting, and run straight into the wall so hard that he knocks himself out cold. Remember that he has become a creature consumed with bloodlust; his entire existence revolves around his desire to murder and eat that bird, so he is absolutely going to take every chance he can to achieve his goal.

And when he smacks into that wall, pick up his unconscious ass and bring that motherfucker whale watching. Once he regains consciousness, the first thing he’ll see will be the massive tail of a finback whale, gently rising above the aqua blue New England waters.

Something like that is going to put things into perspective for him, and he’ll realize that there’s more to life than just trying to murder some bird (like chilling with your homeboy on a perfect afternoon such as this one).

3. There’s no shame in honestly expressing your feelings.

He probably isn’t intentionally blowing you off; he just doesn’t realize how his actions are impacting you. And there is nothing more adult than looking the cartoon coyote you are best friends with in the eye and saying, “Hey dude, you hurt me. I miss doing things like getting so drunk we throw up on the air hockey table in my mom’s basement.”

Maturity is what you’re going for here.

(Don’t forget that while speaking your feelings is important, you still have to listen. This may prove difficult since he never really talks, he just holds up signs with stuff like “Yipe” written on it. I’m not sure why he does this, I always just assumed he was cursed by a witch and couldn’t speak, but now that I actually express that thought outside of my head, I guess it doesn’t make sense.)

4. It is not abnormal for two people to emotionally drift apart.

Perhaps all you need is a sweet gesture that shows your friend you still care about him. Writing a series of hand-written letters in your own blood is an excellent way to communicate just how much ya boi means to you. Reminisce upon fond memories and wax poetic on the impact your lives intersecting had on you, all while using the essential life fluid that once circulated through your body as ink.

5. At a certain point, you have to wonder, how hard could killing this bird really be?


Clearly your friend isn’t going to get the job done, but maybe you’ll be able to do it more efficiently. You may think the simplest method would be to hire a professional bird hunter (or someone in a similar profession) to catch him.

You would be a total dumbass for thinking that.

Use the money you would have paid a hunter to instead buy nothing less than a fuckload of convoluted gadgets with a low likelihood of actually working. Why would you hire a trained professional to do what you could easily do by lying down on a big rocket and setting it off in the hope that you will not only be able to control its trajectory but also have the reflexes to snatch the roadrunner when you pass him?

Once you capture the roadrunner, lay its corpse before your pal and bask in the glory of a friendship restored.

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