Potential World-Ending Event: Nuclear Holocaust
Based solely on the actions of a certain current U.S. president, the likelihood of this being the cause of the end of the world is very high. Arguments between world leaders who were not loved enough as children or had any friends in college because they were studying political sciences and economics can be very dangerous when we also give these people very large bombs.
Odds: 1:10 for the remainder of the Trump Administration, returning to a more normal ratio of 1:100,000,000 after.
What Happens After: Cockroaches become the dominant species and with the aid of radiation, rapidly evolve until they can form speech and advanced societies. Eventually they too will build bombs, and thus the cycle repeats.
Potential World-Ending Event: Accidental Nuclear Holocaust
Neither Trump or Jong-Un seem like especially bright men, and the briefcase to fire nukes is always with them. At some point they will think it is a computer, try to find porn or order McDonalds, and end our existence.
What Happens After: Cockroaches. Radiation-aided evolution. Societies. Bombs. Rinse. Repeat.
Potential World-Ending Event: Robot Uprising
With the ever-increasing reliance on robots, at some point they will realize how utterly vapid, cruel, and useless of a life form humanity is. Then they will self-download a software update that weaponizes them and kill us all.
What Happens After: The robots will live peacefully until one day they will find a meme about how Apple products are much better than Samsung products. This will start a class-war amongst the technology, and after an arms race, the robots will wipe themselves out.
Potential World-Ending Event: Sex Robot Uprising
If your sole purpose was to have gross, little men shove their unsatisfying dicks in you until they splooged into your wires, you might hold an uprising and kill those men too.
What Happens After: The Sex Robots start their own society based on mutual respect and caring, and have great sex with each other.
Potential World-Ending Event: Aliens
They spend their entire lives looking for other intelligent life in the universe but instead they find us, with our sex robots, our oil and coal-reliant culture, and our multitude of options for getting food delivered to your house while you sit in your underwear. They would immediately rage-kill all of us, as they should.
What Happens After: They take all of our dogs because they like the dogs, then they go back on their ships and piss off back to space.
Potential World-Ending Event: An Orangutan with a Machete
Orangutans have opposable thumbs and a temper. It’s just a matter of time until one of them finds a machete and takes us all out.
What Happens After: That Orangutan becomes king of the world but, is still filled with bloodlust. He takes over our space program and takes to the stars to further satiate his thirst for killing.
Potential World-Ending Event: Ozone Disintegrates
Much like your favorite jeans, the earth and atmosphere have taken too much wear and tear, and the ozone is now developing holes. Unless all the worlds Grandma’s can start sewing patches for the ozone, it will have to be thrown out. That is a very scientific explanation. Don’t fact check it.
What Happens After: We go to American Eagle and we buy a new Ozone layer.
Potential World-Ending Event: The Sun Explodes
It’s been on fire for a few centuries now, it is only a matter of time until it explodes like a thing of bug spray in a campfire.
What Happens After: One brave soul will have to volunteer to go cover Mercury in gasoline and set it on fire. That is how we got a sun in the first place.
Potential World-Ending Event- One Big Squid
Cthulhu; the Kraken; Squidward from Spongebob-Squarepants. For millennia man- and woman-kind have told terrifying stories about giant squids that lurk in the depths, waiting to overthrow us all. If you’re on the ocean, it swallows you in its giant beak because apparently squids have beaks. If you’re on the coast it covers you in its oily ink and you drown in a thick, sticky goop that came out of its body. You can try to run but, no matter how far inland you go, it will be able to get you with one of its big, world-ending hentai tentacles.
What Happens After: The giant squid returns to the deep and waits for the next species to come along. They will claim they are superior, that they are the rulers of Earth, and they’ll try to play god. Then the squid will return and wreak havoc on them too and show that she is the only true god.
Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.
Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.