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Fake News

Wanted: Young, Female Assistant for Totally Normal Stuff



CL  cookevillegigsdomestic gigs

            prohibited [?]         Posted 2 days ago

Wanted: Young, female assistant for totally normal stuff (Cookville)

Out of work? Need money? I’ve got the perfect job for you.

I’m in need of a personal assistant for various household tasks, up to and including cooking, cleaning, and general dictation for my new fantasy novel. This is a great opportunity, and you will absolutely, 100% not be murdered and skinned.

My house is in a remote location outside of the city, which means that you will have a lot of peace and quiet while performing your daily tasks. I also don’t have cell phone reception in my area, which means that you won’t have to deal with unnecessary distractions throughout the day.

The work is simple, and you won’t need a college degree. No immediate family is also a plus. Top priority will be given to women ages 18 to 32 with small-to-average shoe size. Hair must be blonde and preferably un-dyed.

You don’t need a firm grasp of the English language. Foreign applicants will be considered. And once again, if accepted, there is absolutely no chance that I will strip your naked body of its skin and use the pieces of flesh for rituals.

Job duties will be mainly indoors, either inside my secluded cabin or the nearby barn. The property is hard to find, so I will provide transportation to my house. Upon acceptance of this position, I will need to know your address, contact details, and information about any and all friends or relatives you’ve told about this job.

While there are many Craigslist jobs out there, this one is a unique opportunity for you because it pays very well and comes with the absolute guarantee that you will not be bludgeoned, skinned, and dismantled during a pagan sacrifice of blood-letting and light cannibalism.

Must be proficient in PowerPoint.

Interested applicants need email me directly at [email protected] Act fast, because I need this position filled before next week’s full moon.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

post id: 6374583845            posted: 2 days ago            updated: about 14 hours ago          email to friend        best of [?]




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