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Fake News

Updating Christmas Stories and Songs for the Modern World

Frosty the Snowman: Instead of being melted by the sun, Frosty is shot by the police and then placed on a bonfire to melt his corpse. The police officers had “mistaken” his broomstick for an AR-15.

Elf: Buddy the Elf goes from his home in the North Pole to New York to find his real dad. Upon trying to enter the United States, Buddy is detained as he is not a citizen. He is later put in a cage and given very little food and he never meets his father.

Charlie Brown’s Christmas Story: Charlie and his friends have no Christmas tree at all because a forestry company moved into his town and cut down all the trees. Also, Snoopy contracts canine-diabetes and has to be put down.

A Christmas Carol: Scrooge is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past and shown how his racism, homophobia, and sexism in his younger days set back culture and equality by decades. The Ghost of Christmas Present shows him how voting for Donald Trump and maintaining his faith in the Republican party have doomed his country. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows him his grandchildren dying in a school shooting and how his staunch protection of the Second Amendment caused their deaths. When he wakes up he does not change, he just goes on Facebook and posts some racist shit.

The Night Before Christmas: The mouse froze to death because the family could not afford the heat bills. Santa could not find the chimney to their third-floor apartment, nor did he want to take the stairs, and thus he delivered no presents to the family.

Home Alone: Kevin is charged with the murder of the Wet Bandits but gets off because Kevin is white. The judge says Kevin, “just has some issues that he will grow out of,” and “boys will be boys.” Kevin goes on to murder 13 more people before dying in a firefight with the police.

It’s A Wonderful Life: George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Rudolph is bullied for being different throughout the story. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came and said, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, you look like an utter twat.” Then Santa went and delivered the presents with his normal looking reindeer and everything was fine because Santa had just had the sleigh fitted with a light bar.

Nightmare Before Christmas: Jack Skellington tries to wreak havoc on Christmas Town but fails to make much of an impact. Donald Trump just got elected mayor of Christmas Town, so the residents are too busy protesting and Tweeting to pay Jack much mind.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Just like in the original, The Grinch steals all the gifts, then returns them. Upon feeling love for the first time, The Grinch’s heart does expand to three times its size, but then The Grinch has a heart attack. Once he regains consciousness, The Grinch finds himself unable to afford his hospital bills and has to return to a life of stealing and villainy.

12 Days of Christmas: Instead of romantic, extravagant gifts; the 12 days of Christmas now reflect gifts a modern, young, broke millennial couple would get each other:

First Day of Christmas: A Mortgage They Can’t Afford
Second Day: Two Matching Tattoos
Third Day: Three Artisanal Teas
Fourth Day: Four Pairs of Vans
Fifth Day: Five Anal Beads
Sixth Day: Six Half-Decent Mollies
Seventh Day: Seven Packs of Ramen
Eight Day: Eight Cartons of Soy Milk
Ninth Day: Nine Forties of Cheap Vodka
Tenth Day: Ten “I Voted” Stickers
Eleventh Day: Eleven Flavoured Condoms
Twelfth Day: Twelve Canadian Blunts

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.

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