Homepage / Fake News / Update: Caravan of Disgruntled Americans Reach Guatemalan Border
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Fake News

Update: Caravan of Disgruntled Americans Reach Guatemalan Border

A horde of disgruntled Americans, who we reported on when they crossed the Mexican border last month, have now reached the Guatemalan border.

The thousands of middle and working class, disgruntled Americans who we reported on March 14th of this year have reached the Guatemalan border and are camped out there awaiting asylum to get in and take over the lands and homes left behind by native refugees that fled to the U.S.  The Mexican government allowed them to travel through their country, hoping to God that they didn’t try to stop and settle in their land along the way.

Disgruntled AmericansRestlessness is already settling in amongst the impatient Americans who are used to have things get done pronto and not manana (sorry, my word-processor doesn’t have one of those curly-cue things to put above the n in ‘manana‘ so that you would know that I am trying to say ‘tomorrow’ in Spanish. But now you do.) More and more groups are attempting to cross the border illegally and are seeking weaknesses in the single strand of barbed wire keeping them from their destiny.

“It is our Divine right to go in and take this land that they never seemed to be able to do anything with,” shouted Bernard Witesupreme. “They had this abundant land and yet stayed poor. We’ll go in and show them how it is done. If they got the right to enter into America and say its justified then we can go into their land and take what they left behind and make it ours!”

When asked what he would do if confronted by cartels or gangs Mr. Witesupreme stated “Them bad boys are used to picking on people with no guns or ammo. Let’s see how they do with people who shoot back!” Witesupreme pulled out his semi automatic Smith and Wesson at this and waved it before this reporters nose. “This might make them jump right out of their tattoos when they see it!”

Many of the Yankee immigrants expressed an interest in marching through Guatemala to Belize even though it is not a country that expelled residents towards our border. “We want to go there because they speak English as the national language which should be the language of all truly Godly people,” said Myra Aryanmade. “I don’t want to learn no Spanish. I know Belize didn’t send us any immigrants, but since we all speak the same language they should be accommodating. Just like all the Hispanics are with each other when they get to the U.S.”

Those first pilgrims who dared to sneak across the border have already found land and set themselves up. “First thing after I get the house built is I’ll raze the land and pave it and rent out parking spaces!” said Morgan Lowlife. “Then I’ll buy into some American fast food chain and set it up in the nearby village. Since it is no longer possible to achieve the American Dream in America I might as well do it here.”

“I’m going to build a sweatshop and take advantage of all the cheap labor there is around here. I could build a small factory right here where there is a stream to dump our waste into and lots of trees to burn for creating electricity and power,” claimed Samuel Greadyguts. “I can make my own Capitalist Mecca right here in the middle of the rain forest. Once I make enough money I will build a suburb here for American ex-patriots and make a bundle! I will call it Trumplandia after our great Patriot, even though it was his politics that caused me to lose my job back in Ohio.”

For those disgruntled Americans who waited at the border to enter Guatemala legally there will probably be a long wait to get their visas. Everything here runs on Central American time. Fortunately, there are lots of wild bananas to eat growing in the area and plenty of cows to milk… illegally.

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rfreed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor.

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