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Fake News

Upcoming Hallmark Christmas Movies for the 2018 Season



Country Christmas: A 27-year-old magazine editor living in New York comes home to her small Midwestern town for Christmas, where she quickly realizes that the thrills of living in a big city cannot compare to the thrills of being constantly berated for not having a husband and decides to move back home.

Right Here in a Manger: A group of townspeople approach their mayor to ask him about setting up a Nativity scene on public land. He immediately approves their request, and the display is enjoyed by all.

O’ Christmas Card: A newly married couple get each other the same Christmas card. After sharing a laugh about it, they decide to buy each other new Christmas cards and spend the remainder of the movie at their local Hallmark store perusing its many fantastic options while making derogatory remarks about email and the American Greetings Corporation.

Miracle on Pine Street: A family decides to spend Christmas Eve watching Miracle on 34th Street. When the movie ends, they talk about how much they enjoyed it and the many ways in which life has gotten worse since its 1947 release.

Have an Ice Christmas: A 25-year-old publicist living in Chicago comes home to her small Midwestern town for Christmas, where she quickly realizes that she cannot stay with her current boyfriend because he is a lawyer and not an ice sculptor. She decides to move back home and marries one of the town’s many local ice sculptors just in time for Christmas.

The Christmas Countdown: A group of photogenic children frolic by a fireplace and repeatedly exclaim “It’s almost Christmas!” for 87 minutes.

Book of the Magi: A husband sells his pocket watch to buy his wife a beautiful new comb, while his wife sells her hair to buy her husband a beautiful new chain for his pocket watch. However, they later decide to get each other Bibles instead and are both much better off for it.

Christmas is Coming: Residents of a small town enjoy a festive Christmas celebration that ends precisely at the stroke of midnight on Christmas night, at which point they silently retreat to their underground bunkers, where they will remain motionless until December 1 of next year.

There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays, and by Holidays, We Mean Christmas: A 23-year-old woman who does something in some place where more than 50,000 people live comes home to her small Midwestern town for Christmas, immediately bursts into tears upon seeing a wreath, and decides to spend the rest of her life knitting Christmas sweaters in her parents’ house.

Christmas Comes For Us All: A terminally ill police officer who is addicted to his painkillers decides to partner with an alcoholic journalist to expose corruption on the force before he dies, in a harrowing journey that will take them through every aspect of their supposedly wholesome town’s seedy underbelly. But then the officer’s illness clears up, and he decides to just invite the journalist to have a nice Christmas dinner with his family.

Writing in a Winter Wonderland: A television writer charged with scripting three dozen new Christmas movies cheerfully completes his task in a timely manner and does not make a big deal about the fact that he is Jewish.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.




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