Homepage / Fake News / Unique Airbnb: Hill House Mansion Near Amherst
John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform? Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model How To Sound Smart Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF

Fake News

Unique Airbnb: Hill House Mansion Near Amherst



Hill House Mansion Near Amherst

Entire house, 20-? Guests, 15 (but probably more) bedrooms, 12 baths

“Sparkling clean”

10 recent guests have said this home was sparkling clean. From a reviewer: “the terrifying writing on walls and blood spatters disappeared before our eyes.”

“Great check-in experience”

Usually, the front door just mysteriously opens when guests step up to it, but if not, there’s a convenient lock box next to the gargoyle statue that was probably on the other side of the door the last time you looked.

Hill House is a Superhost!

Hill House is an experienced, highly rated host who is committed to providing great stays for its guests, until those guests are sacrificed to appease its bloodlust and turned into spectres who will be forced to roam its hallways for all eternity. But in a family-friendly way!

The Space

Welcome home, wayward souls, to this gorgeous gothic masterpiece nestled deep in the woods outside of Amherst, Massachusetts! Built in the 19th century by Hugh Crain, a textile tycoon and a certifiably insane murderer who likely axed all three of his wives, this Tudor style mansion may look foreboding on the outside, but the inside is like a warm hug that never lets go. It’s located at least 10 miles from the next house, so there will be no one around to disturb you or hear you scream (not that you’ll need to—just saying)!

The house has many rooms (we often lose count), some of which may shift into other rooms when you’re not looking, which makes finding the bathroom a super fun game. Each bedroom is adorned with hand-carved, four-poster beds that we’ve been told are quite comfy and also act as great hiding spots from…things. There’s a stunning parlour with a massive fireplace adorned with statuettes that might look like they’re watching your every move (they’re not, we swear!). And you’ll find everything you might need to cook a sumptuous dinner in our chef’s kitchen complete with dumbwaiter, although probably not a good idea to use, because whatever goes in there tends to come out, shall we say, not the same. Finally our library’s not to be missed. Spend the afternoon reading from our collection of antiquarian books, and checking out the view from the ironwork staircase (there’s a rope for your convenience if you really want to get a good look over the railing).

Hill House’s grounds are expansive, offering numerous hiking trails, however, we recommend returning to the house before dark, because of the wild dogs that may or may not be real.

Also, there’s a badminton court, and we provide racquets for your convenience.

Guest access

Guests have free reign of the property, in fact, we encourage you to explore and investigate the strange scraping sounds, trap doors in the floor, and that creepy voice that keeps whispering your name late at night. But don’t worry about that sudden banging in the walls—it’s just the pipes.

We also do weddings for an extra $2,000 a night, and can provide guests if you have last-minute dropouts.

Interaction with guests

The house. It watches every move you make. Also, our caretakers are just down the road should you need anything (during daylight hours).

Other things to note

The room with the red door is off-limits to guests. Unless you really want to go in there… 😉

Amenities

Linens, candles that blow out when there’s no breeze, parking on site, a crib that emanates phantom crying baby sounds, knives, coffee maker, lanterns that work sometimes, antiquated tea set, the clothes of former guests, rope, wifi.

Policies

No smoking (or fire of any kind), no living pets, no seances.

Check in: anytime after 3pm

Check out: N/A

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish