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Fake News

Unique Airbnb: Hill House Mansion Near Amherst


Hill House Mansion Near Amherst

Entire house, 20-? Guests, 15 (but probably more) bedrooms, 12 baths

“Sparkling clean”

10 recent guests have said this home was sparkling clean. From a reviewer: “the terrifying writing on walls and blood spatters disappeared before our eyes.”

“Great check-in experience”

Usually, the front door just mysteriously opens when guests step up to it, but if not, there’s a convenient lock box next to the gargoyle statue that was probably on the other side of the door the last time you looked.

Hill House is a Superhost!

Hill House is an experienced, highly rated host who is committed to providing great stays for its guests, until those guests are sacrificed to appease its bloodlust and turned into spectres who will be forced to roam its hallways for all eternity. But in a family-friendly way!

The Space

Welcome home, wayward souls, to this gorgeous gothic masterpiece nestled deep in the woods outside of Amherst, Massachusetts! Built in the 19th century by Hugh Crain, a textile tycoon and a certifiably insane murderer who likely axed all three of his wives, this Tudor style mansion may look foreboding on the outside, but the inside is like a warm hug that never lets go. It’s located at least 10 miles from the next house, so there will be no one around to disturb you or hear you scream (not that you’ll need to—just saying)!

The house has many rooms (we often lose count), some of which may shift into other rooms when you’re not looking, which makes finding the bathroom a super fun game. Each bedroom is adorned with hand-carved, four-poster beds that we’ve been told are quite comfy and also act as great hiding spots from…things. There’s a stunning parlour with a massive fireplace adorned with statuettes that might look like they’re watching your every move (they’re not, we swear!). And you’ll find everything you might need to cook a sumptuous dinner in our chef’s kitchen complete with dumbwaiter, although probably not a good idea to use, because whatever goes in there tends to come out, shall we say, not the same. Finally our library’s not to be missed. Spend the afternoon reading from our collection of antiquarian books, and checking out the view from the ironwork staircase (there’s a rope for your convenience if you really want to get a good look over the railing).

Hill House’s grounds are expansive, offering numerous hiking trails, however, we recommend returning to the house before dark, because of the wild dogs that may or may not be real.

Also, there’s a badminton court, and we provide racquets for your convenience.

Guest access

Guests have free reign of the property, in fact, we encourage you to explore and investigate the strange scraping sounds, trap doors in the floor, and that creepy voice that keeps whispering your name late at night. But don’t worry about that sudden banging in the walls—it’s just the pipes.

We also do weddings for an extra $2,000 a night, and can provide guests if you have last-minute dropouts.

Interaction with guests

The house. It watches every move you make. Also, our caretakers are just down the road should you need anything (during daylight hours).

Other things to note

The room with the red door is off-limits to guests. Unless you really want to go in there… 😉

Amenities

Linens, candles that blow out when there’s no breeze, parking on site, a crib that emanates phantom crying baby sounds, knives, coffee maker, lanterns that work sometimes, antiquated tea set, the clothes of former guests, rope, wifi.

Policies

No smoking (or fire of any kind), no living pets, no seances.

Check in: anytime after 3pm

Check out: N/A

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