Homepage / Fake News / Unexpected Spiritual Lessons From Using A 7-Day Free Trial of Headspace In The Restroom at Work
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Unexpected Spiritual Lessons From Using A 7-Day Free Trial of Headspace In The Restroom at Work

Day One

For complete mindfulness, it’s imperative to find a quiet space — which is why I chose to sit comfortably in an ADA compliant restroom stall at my office.

Take a deep breath. Notice how the body expands. As you breathe out, let the discomfort of the broken toilet seat melt away.

Allow your thoughts to let go. I am one with the Earth. I am one with the universe. I am one with the automatic hand dryer that is inexplicably going off every 30 seconds.

Day Two

Transcending your physical body will come with great ease after your tingling legs lose all circulation.

When your boss knocks on the stall door and asks, “what are you doing in there?” Ignore your impulse to respond, “going on a spiritual journey.” Perhaps try, “hrmmmpff.”

Day Three

Distractions will attempt to bust down the door of mindfulness, just like your boss will continue to attempt to bust down the door of your ADA compliant zen den. Be as the lock and let your mind remain steadfast, no matter how many times it gets jiggled.

Day Four

Weightlessness can be achieved by focusing on your breathing or letting your body go limp as it’s being dragged out of an ADA compliant stall by a security guard named Dennis.

Explain to HR the benefits of practicing mindfulness for hours, such as lowering blood pressure, raising serotonin levels, and not punching Dennis in the neck.

Day Five

Meditation is about focusing on the present and not worrying about the past or the future, especially when you are clearing out your desk and being escorted off the premises.

In this rocky time of your life, it more important than ever to resume meditation. Find your center by closing your eyes in your new-to-you 2009 Kia Spectra.

On your outward breath, let any sense of anger, tension, and frustration wash away from your body. Count your breaths and not the amount of times Dennis incessantly knocks on your driver-side window.

Be still. However, if you overhear Dennis on the phone with the Milford Police Department, allow your spiritual journey to take you to another parking lot.

Day Six

Meditation brings you to a state of transcendent consciousness and bliss, which is why you must devise a plan to sneak back into your ADA-compliant stall of zen.

Slip a twenty and a Target gift card with an unknown balance to the janitor, Hank, and borrow one of his recently used uniforms.

Day Seven

Rise above your problems by climbing the emergency ladder that leads to the roof. And once you reach the top, feel your muscles softening from the warm sunlight.

Take a moment to dig deep and pry open the lid to the HVAC unit.

Begin your descent into enlightenment by rappelling down in search of that ADA compliant stall that grants you tranquility.

Remain focused. Quiet your mind, even though you can hear your coworkers chanting an unenthusiastic rendition of “Happy Birthday.” Channel your energy to resist the urge to belt out “and many more!”

Pushing through to a new level of mindfulness will be just as easy as pushing through the air diffuser so you could return to your ADA compliant stall and finish Day 7 of your free trial of Headspace.

When you’re ready, gently open your eyes, and don’t resist arrest.

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