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Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? 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Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low

Fake News

TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News

We pair the most appropriate dishes to cook with whatever is on that evening’s fake news.

You’ve had a nerve-wracking day, posting dozens of screaming face emojis in response to social media rants from your fellow liberal East Coast elite. Who has the time, energy, or concentration to think about what to cook tonight?

Our newsletter takes the stress out of menu-making. We pair the most appropriate dishes with each Trumpista lying to you during what used to be the sacred dinner hour. Try not to lose your meal as you stare open-mouthed at your TV screen watching the evening’s fake news.

Paula Deen racist cookJEFF SESSIONS

As he drawls through his smirking misapplications of biblical verse to justify human rights violations that would make Duerte jealous, sit back and relax with Paula Deen’s iconic recipe for hushpuppies with a side of racist jokes. Who doesn’t need a good belly laugh these days? Drizzle liberally with CBD. When time allows, stir in a few snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails, because that’s what little boys are made of.


Go easy on the salt because SHA will leave you thirsting for real answers during her “press briefings.” But come 6 PM, Sarah’s home with her perfectly-Caucasian kids, ripping off her big pearls for a big ole Arkansas style family dinner featuring Craig Claiborne’s deep fried catfish. Instead of the traditional side of okra, Sarah serves mac ’n cheese, the only thing her kids will eat, with Paul Ryan’s whitest Wisconsin cheddar. Family dinners here are spirited affairs, serenaded by a whining puppy locked in a partition whose walls are made of chain-link fences while being housebroken. Pup will never see its mother again.

Contrast Sanders’s hollow-eyed robotic support for #notyourpresident by feasting on a selection from Martha Ortiz’s cookbook El Presidente Will Not Trespass in My Country or Stomach. Her mole rosado con pollo orgánico relleno y corono de flores is easily whipped up in fewer than three hours. Your furious chopping will drown out Sarah’s mantra: “I’m not going to answer…”


There isn’t any special cuisine from Indiana that Mother would approve of, and besides, VEEP is opposed to advanced meal preparation or any phrase containing the word “planned.” To make Mike’s moony looks more palatable, we suggest this recipe by a rising trans chef whose plates showcase a rainbow of colors and textures with a final sprinkling of crushed Ortho-Novum.


What to chew on while enduring the grating voice of this Irish and Italian mutt? Begin with a deft homage to her truck-business father: take-out from Sammy’s Halal food cart on West 4th Street. Wash it down with Brut sparkling wine, a tip of the hat to Conway’s maternal grandfather, Jimmy “the Brute” DiNatale.

On nights when you’re feeling daring, try this alternative recipe for Irish-Italian fusion: overcooked Ronzoni spaghetti topped with mushy white potatoes, overboiled meat, and no vegetables. Sprinkle with fake Parmesan from a plastic container laced with wood pulp. Reduce sauce in a sixpack of Guinness. Salute or Sláinte, if you prefer.


Finding nothing suitable in our archives, we created a brand new recipe: Global Warming Freeze-Dried Lamb Stew, simmered by a scorching winter sun rather than relying on greenhouse gases for cooking fuel. This savory concoction is unfortunately poached in toxic water containing hazardous chemicals and frighteningly large traces of arsenic, lead, and mercury. Be thankful for small things: it’s chlorpyrifos-free!


Maybe the Liar-in-Chief dines on Big Macs, fries, and oversized sodas, but we food snobs can do better. Taunt Trump with Paul Bocuse’s legendary loup en croûte with sauce choron. Our newsletter claims you can master this impossible dish in less than two hours from wolves bagged by Denali denizen Sarah Palin, but that’s another lie. It takes a restaurant crew half a day to skin, butcher, cook, and sculpt this masterpiece. But if you rise to the challenge, by the time your loup is served, maybe Mueller will have finally charged #45. We can only hope and chew.

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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.

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