WASHINGTON—In an effort to remain as objective as possible when considering ways of addressing the ongoing crisis, President Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was leaving all violent options on the table in Venezuela. “If America’s interests are threatened anywhere in the world, the U.S. retains the right to use every brutal means it has at its disposal, whether that’s using drone strikes or chemical weapons, or just carpet bombing hospitals,” said the president, adding that he would not rule out addressing Venezuela’s instability with ground forces, unilateral bombings, or propping up a death squad in the rainforest that kidnaps and tortures civilians. “Obviously, we’re looking very seriously at the more traditional response of a bloody coup. But my advisors are also thinking up some creative solutions like detonating a nuke in the center of Caracas. It’s all worth discussing to find the best way to maximize casualties.” At press time, the White House released a follow-up statement announcing that all nonviolent options had been tabled except for starving the Venezuelan people through a few more sanctions.