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Fake News

Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those Resolutions!


The new year is upon us, my resolution rockstars, and the time to start those New Years rezzys is now: several weeks into the year!

This is the year we finally get healthy! Don’t wait another day to start your journey to wellness. Our bodies are our most precious assets (aside from our possessions obviously), so get active, get fit, and let’s make some healthy choices together!

Remember: don’t get discouraged because you tried and failed horribly to instill “healthy” or even “mindful” fitness habits for the first four consecutive weeks of the year. Today is a new day, and while all your past failings will forever be specters relentlessly haunting you, we move forward towards a lukewarm future one step at a time. The first step towards a great day and a healthy life is an early morning workout, so up and at ‘em. Let’s hit the gym early today.

7:00 AM — Wake up

Good morning wellness warrior! Time to wake up! Isn’t the gray morning light invigorating? The best part of deep winter is the lack of sunlight if you ask me.

7:24 AM — Get out of bed

Ok… that’s probably enough scrolling Instagram, right? Time to get up, maybe? James? Ok. Yeah. Take a few more minutes, superstar. 2019 is about listening to your body.

7:37 AM — Here we go!

Hey, look at this guy! Getting out of bed like he was born to do it. Alright! Let’s head to the kitchen and sta—wait why are you putting on your jacket? Where are you going?

7:40 AM — Smoke a cigarette, I guess…

Ok, apparently we’re doing this. Even though you told Sarah you quit six weeks ago. I don’t mean to nag, I just think—whatever. I’m not the police. Do what you want.

7:47 AM — Back on track

Breakfast is key. I’m thinking an egg white omelette for some protein, a couple slices of toast with peanut butter for—wait where did you find a Gogurt? Is that all you’re having? How did you finish that so fast?

8:15 AM — Head to work

Well, it’s been a rough morning, but you did get yourself dressed which is, upsettingly, a victory for you. We didn’t make it to the gym this morning, but that’s ok! We’ll stay active during our workday, and find time to squeeze in some cardio tonight!

9:17 AM — Let’s get to work!

Woah, traffic was weird today, huh? Well, traffic and the fender bender you caused in the Burger King drive-through. I’m sure no one notices you’re late. Let’s dive into work like it’s—ok just a quick bathroom break, and then we’ll really get into a groove.

9:18 AM — Absolutely not

Are you serious James?! You cannot smoke in here! Aside from the obvious health risks, you’ll set off all the fire alarms! What if someone comes in here and catches you! It’s against the rules! Throw that cigarette out right this minute.

9:19 AM — No, not into the trash can!

James that was a lit cigarette! Now the trash can’s gone up in flames—see what you did you fucking idiot?! Jesus is there anything in this whole entire world you can’t fuck up in the worst possible way? All those things Sarah texted her mom about you are true. Find something to put out the fire before the whole building goes up in flames you giant fuck up! Jesus.

9:19 AM — Ok, I’m sorry

Hey, listen, I’m sorry for calling you a giant fuck up, ok? I lost my temper. I didn’t mean it. Hey, look at me. I’m sorry. Grab a paper towel and dry your eyes. Ok. Cry it out. Winter is a tough time for everyone. It’s ok. Cry for as long as you need to.

9:20 AM — Wow…

Another Gogurt? Where are you getting these? Do you carry Gogurts around with you all day? No, I get that they’re for people on the go. I’m just thinking, like, don’t they go bad if they aren’t refrigerated? Whatever, finish up and let’s get back to work.

9:22 AM — Wait—the fire!

Shit we forgot about the fire. Oh god it looks really out of control now. Why hasn’t the smoke detector gone off yet? It doesn’t matter just get out of here. Run to your car. Peel out of the parking lot. Speed home and try not to think of the coworkers you left behind.

9:49 AM — Back in bed

You had a hard day. why don’t you just spend the rest of it tucked into bed? Maybe best to wait until next year to try to accomplish even, like, one thing.

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