Homepage / Fake News / To the Guy Blowing Drunkenly into a Harmonica at 2:30 AM: How are You So Bad at This?
Are You Addicted to Click? Conquer Your Year with CloseTabuary My Bhutanese Drama Students Want to Recreate “Son of the Mask” and I Have No Idea What to Do AR-15 Appointed As Secretary of Health and Human Services AR-15 Appointed As Secretary of Health and Human Services Charles Manson’s Body Still On Ice Due To Dispute Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 19, 2018 Area Ladder Never Thought It Would End Up A Bookcase Pet Turtle Going Hog Wild On Terrarium’s New Stick ‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion Sources of Greenhouse Gases Identified I Won’t Eat Caribou Unless It’s Slaughtered By at Least a Somewhat Automatic Weapon 4 Ways for Audiophiles to Drown Out the Sounds of a Dying Cat How H&R Cockblock Saved My Taxes and Stole My Woman Opinion: Less Guns Means More Mass Killing by Cutlery Offering ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Just Don’t Fly No More: Hot Air Always Dissipates Trump Renews Call to Promote Mentally Ill A Comedian Made a Joke About the Holocaust, and Now I Feel Unsafe Someone Broke Into Our Hulu Account An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything ‘Oh God, What Happened Last Night?’ Says Groggy Mike Pence After Waking Up In Same Bed As Wife Doubles Luge to Add More Men to Sled for next Games FBI Quickly Follows Up On Tip About Potentially Dangerous Man Who Killed 17 In School Shooting The Self-Applauding President… but Will He Go Blind? Uphill Skiing Competition Enters 6th Day Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams Cute New Dog Helping Single Man Pick Up Tons Of Hot Shit The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller Male Dogs Twice As Likely To Win At Westminster Dog Show Nation Hears Voices Encouraging It To Buy Gun What It's Like Being An Adult Getting a Credit Card For the First Time Raytheon Unveils Military Robot Capable Of Composing Poignant Poems About Horrors Of War The 6 Stages of Watching an Olympic Sport Episode 3: Calloway Day If Movies Had Honest Titles (February 2018 Edition) Archaeologists Unearth Ivory Trumpet Dating Back To Prehistoric Jazz Age Man Looking For Job That Plays To His Natural Talent For Half-Assing Things Man Hates It When Trailer Gives Away Entire Premise Of Movie Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling @TwitterSupport Your Platform Won’t Allow Me to Unfollow the American President In Exclusive Interview “World’s Most Interesting Man” Endorses SatireWorld New York City Pizzerias Rated by How Good They Are for Hiding from Your Ex-Wife Trying to Collect Her Alimony Check 3 Years After the Breakup, I Finally Stopped Drunk Texting My Ex’s Mom, Pam I Used A Robot To Write A Comic And It Got Very Weird The Cherry Pickers | HumorFeed New School Shooter Drill Includes Practicing Pleas To Lawmakers To Do Something About This Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD ‘Sports Illustrated’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue Of #MeToo Movement Long-term couple say Valentine’s Day was ‘nothing special’ But I’m Oppressed! (SPOILER: No You’re Not!) (2/4) Tips For Treating A Bed Bug Infestation Veteran Congressman Can Still Remember When Inaction On Gun Violence Actually Presented A Moral Dilemma Thousands Of Dismembered Crash Test Dummies Line Newly Discovered Catacombs Beneath Ford Motor Plant Bad Polling Is Ruining Everything Woman In Commercial Doing Yoga To Narration Of Drug's Fatal Side Effects I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate John Kelly Apologizes For Assuming Everyone Would Ignore Abuse Allegations Like They Do In Military Stop Telling Kids How Easy They Have It White House Compare Potential Food Stamps Replacement Program To ‘Blue Apron’ Trump Surprises Melania With A Romantic Dinner For One Relationship Experts Say Mailing Body Part To Ex On Valentine’s Day Only Way To Win Them Back Donald Trump Spends Another Valentine's Day Completely Alone Lone, Weak Bystander Targeted By Pack Of Female Friends Who Want Their Picture Taken Chloe Kim Recalls Growing Up Under Parents' Intense Pressure To Just Chillax And Shred The Gnar Gnar An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day Stan Lee’s Cameo in My Life as My Dad Has Officially Gone From “Kind of Endearing” to “Where is the Film Crew Hiding?” 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub Funniest Poker Moments – Humor Times, Humor Times ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens The South is Rising Again ‘Peter Rabbit’ Film Criticized For Making Light Of Allergies The Cherry Pickers – Will Durst, Humor Times Shuddering Astrid Menks Comes Home To Trail Of Rose Petals Leading To Nude, Spread-Eagle Warren Buffett Schnauzers Rioting Outside Madison Square Garden Following Westminster Dog Show Defeat Snowy Mountain In Pyeongchang Figures It Can Withstand 1 Or 2 More Big Cheers Before Triggering Avalanche What All 17 Year Olds Who Aren’t Winning Olympic Golds Are Doing Teddy Bear Feels Terrible For Sparking ‘What Are We?’ Conversation Man Who Forgot To Buy Valentine's Day Gift Relieved To Remember Wife Passed Away Years Ago Hentai Message Board Features Surprisingly Close-Knit, Supportive Community Emily & Murph Wrote A Book About Relationships, Love, and Other Junk Obamas’ Presidential Portrait Revealed Five Moves the Trump Administration Should Have Made at the NBA Trade Deadline Rand Paul Beaten by Other Neighbor The Sunny Side Of The Street Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program (satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts……..according to Nopes! #144 White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers There Is No P.F. Chang’s In PyeongChang | Adobo Chronicles Congress Confused By $500 Million In Trump’s Budget Allocated For ‘Laser Stuff’ John Kelly Takes Responsibility For Failing To Properly Silence Victims Americans Gear Up For Valentine’s Day Ra Wins Westminster God Show Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 13, 2018 You're All a Bunch of Phone Zombies Timeline Of The U.S. Labor Movement Texas Schools To No Longer Teach Students About Autoerotic Asphyxiation L.L. Bean Ends Iconic Lifetime Return Policy Eddie Bauer Announces New Line Of Brown Clothes

Fake News

To the Guy Blowing Drunkenly into a Harmonica at 2:30 AM: How are You So Bad at This?

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
Arrow
Arrow
PlayPause
Slider



Dear Harmonica Guy,

Not that I’m expecting this to make a dent in your pickled noggin, but I want to say up front that I’m absolutely loathe to refer to you as “Harmonica Guy,” as the association between “harmonica” and “guy” kinda implies a soul connection which, in your case, almost exactly fails to connect.

What’s wrong with just letting you be Harmonica Guy, you may be wondering with your feebleized-by-methanol-filtered-through-a-graham-cracker intellect? Try not to let your R-complex melt all over your medulla oblongata as I explain this, but it’s all about that implied soul connection mentioned WAY back, somewhere in your short term memory.

I’ve never EVER heard anybody fuck up “Popeye the Sailor Man” the way you’ve been doing for the last thirty minutes.

Consider this question, Harmonica Guy, and try not to be bumfuck-baffled: Would you call a dude “surfer dude” if he sucked at surfing? What about Superman? A man’s gotta be pretty super to be called Superman, right? Now here’s Brat Boy. Guess what he doesn’t suck at? Being a bona fide bastard-ass brat, that’s what. Accordingly, Tits McGee is known for her ginormous titties, and I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet that big dick guy has… what?

That’s right, a big dick.

Therefore, it stands to reason that Harmonica Guy should be a more than capable harmonica player, doesn’t it? Are you beginning to see my quandary, or did you get your fruity pebbles mixed up with your Lincoln Logs again?

I suppose you could be “Drunk on the Front Steps Across the Street Making Obnoxious Noises with a Mouth Organ Guy,” which would of course be perfectly accurate, but that’s way more syllables than you deserve. Unfortunately, generic terms such as “asshole,” “slobbering idiot,” “rectum-dowsing mongoloid,” and “bastard-ass clown” fail to convey the essence of the thing catapulting you to the status of an extra-special every one of those terms I just mentioned… that thing being the criminal abuse of a harmonica, to which I’ve been an unwilling witness for the past half hour. So, I guess I’m stuck with you being stuck with me being stuck with you being Harmonica Guy.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you’re self-taught on that there harmonica? Because I’ve never EVER heard anybody fuck up “Popeye the Sailor Man” the way you’ve been doing for the last thirty minutes. I don’t mind at all having to break this to you, but I really don’t think a tortured demonic wail issuing forth from the vocal cords of hell and then fed forcibly through what used to be an innocent harmonica really does the “toot-toot” part of “Popeye the Sailor Man” justice, you know?

You kinda need a steam whistle for that.

Please, for the love of God, don’t go anywhere near a steam whistle, Harmonica Guy.

Here’s something else that’s been bugging me for the past fifteen or so minutes, aside from the latent hemorrhoid that swells up to bagel-sized every time I’m filled with a murderous rage: I know you’re drunk and everything, but ever since you took that last pull from the bottle you’ve got hidden in that paper bag…

Ok, hang on, I’ve got to interrupt myself for a second. I’ve never understood that, the paper bag thing, and I’ve worked behind a cash register selling alcohol to myriad degenerates, young and old, for almost ten years, and everybody who buys a 40 or a tall boy invariably asks for a paper bag!

Why? It ain’t about global warming, that’s for damn sure. Is the purpose of the paper bag to make the public consumption of alcohol less conspicuous, like… out of sight, out of mind? What the fuck man, everybody knows what’s in your paper bag! And you get so upset when we’re out of paper bags! Are alcoholics nowadays fucking retarded??

Anyway, where was I… oh yeah.

Ever since you upended the last of your Kool-Aid from the bottle of Thunderbird you’ve got hidden inside that paper bag, you’ve just been toot-tooting all over the damn place! Come on man, it’s not a hard song. You’ve known it since you were in kindergarten!

It goes like this:

I’m Popeye the sailor man,

TOOT-TOOT!

I’m Popeye the sailor man!

TOOT-TOOT!

I’m strong took the finich,
Cause I eats me spinach,
I’m Popeye the sailor man!

TOOT-TOOT!

Geez! How is it even possible to fuck that up?

I think that question will stump astrophysicists and quantum machinists and atomjacks for the next several eons at least, and in no small part due to how unexhoneratingly bad your toxic breath of life sounds when combined with an innocent harmonica.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, Harmonica Guy, but you suck so bad at that thing I don’t even feel sorry for myself or for my neighbors, or even you, for being so integrally shitty… I feel sorry for the harmonica!

Uh oh. It’s 3:00 AM and you’ve just opened another paper bag…

Ok, there’s just one more thing, asshole—I mean Harmonica Guy—before I open up this can of Whoopass©®™ Brand Spinach and commence to the bona fide whooping of your ass, once and for good…

GODAMMIT, POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN DOES NOT LIVE IN A GARBAGE CAN!




Source link