Homepage / Fake News / This Forest Fire may be Devastating, but it’s our Chance to Cook a Huge Omelette
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft

Fake News

This Forest Fire may be Devastating, but it’s our Chance to Cook a Huge Omelette


There’s no easy way to say this.

Our town is in the path of a forest fire, and, in a matter of hours, it may be gone entirely. As your mayor, I’d like to first acknowledge how deeply grateful I am that we were all able to make it to the edge of town, away from the blaze.

However, I know most of us stand to lose everything today, and that’s why I’d like to remind you, though things may seem hopeless in the face of mother nature’s cruelty, we should not discount humanity’s ability to overcome the odds. As the saying goes: when life gives you lemons, sometimes you need to fastball those lemons right back into life’s eyes and sprint away. And by that I mean, let’s not lose sight of a potential windfall here.

Yes, this forest fire is devastating. But it’s also our chance to cook a really huge omelette.

Like, a really big one.

I can see it now. Four helicopters whirring over the trees, a titanic, cast-iron skillet suspended between them by shimmering high tension wire. They hover in position over the flaming inferno that used to be our neighborhood, and you know what’s cooking in that frickin’ pan? An omelette that would please even the Almighty Cronus.

Eighty tons of warm scrambled eggs! Grated ham the size of semi-trucks! So much liquid Armenian Cheese, there are oceanic tides! Cheese tides. Tides of cheese controlled by the moon. If the thought of that alone doesn’t bring a smile to your ash-streaked faces, I don’t know what will.

Now, I understand many of you are hurting. But sometimes, tragedy can awaken us to the brutal, yet liberating fact that our time on earth is short. We only have one life. And with that sobering reality mind, consider our two options for responding to this situation. Option one: we could “grieve” over the fact that our “households” and “most valuable possessions” will be incinerated by an indifferent tsunami of fire. There. That’s one idea.

Orrrr the second one: we could utilize the approaching inferno like a griddle from God, cook the shit out of a skyscraper-sized mound of egg, and then turn the resulting acres of lip-smacking omelette into an egg-themed pleasure park!

And I have two words to say about option number two.

Hell. YES.

Look around! We don’t have to submit to mother nature’s wrath. We can use it to fulfill our most outlandish culinary dreams! When life gives you lemons, sometimes you need to nunchuk that sack of hardened fruit right into life’s temple, knock life on its back, then steal life’s clothes, and sell them to consignment.

Rebuilding our community is going to be a nightmare of logistical and emotional challenges. So, let’s flip the script: we’ll fry a Godzilla-egg-pile in the burning timberland and create an omelette so large we’ll need personal jetpacks to explore it! And we can charge to rent the jetpacks!

Here are just a few of the many opportunities afforded by my plan. You could:

  • Divide the massive omelette into different provinces based around the kinds of ingredients there, like “Chive-Town” and “New Bacon City.”
  • Dig secret “Lover’s Grottos” into the rough, but pliable omelette surface, where stalactites of hardened cheese will sparkle in the egg-light and seduce any lover with their delirious whimsy.
  • Make a three-piece-suit out of egg whites, and rebrand yourself as “Danny Eggland, Duke of Breakfast.”
  • Bath naked in a natural waterfall of steaming, liquid yolk alongside your new husband, a perfect replica of John Krasinski carved out of sweet ham.

We have been given the chance to remake our town as it always should have been: hidden in the cavernous core of a twenty-story omelette, and I, for one, refuse to sit idly by and let that opportunity pass!

So for those who, like me, crave citizenship in a new, egg-based world, I have this to say: Forest… fire up the griddle! And, for those of you who are muttering this is all an impossible fiction intended to help me cope with the loss of every one of my possessions:

You can go ahead and uninvite yourself from brunch tomorrow.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish