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Fake News

Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore

Shopping at the Mall: Man, I can’t even begin to tell you all the good times I had hanging out the mall when I was a kid. But now the mall is abandoned and I have no clue why. When I go there to shop or hang out, I end up sitting outside the locked doors for three or four days and then leaving. I’ve tried banging on the doors, just in case someone accidentally locked them as a prank, but no one ever comes to open them.

Learning To Drive: Receiving your driver’s license is such a defining moment for teenagers. More than anything, it symbolizes the autonomy that comes with being an adult. So, to re-learn the rules of the road, I started running up and down the freeway to catch a glimpse of how other people drive. To get an even closer look, I would occasionally lob a camera into the open window of a passing car with a note requesting that they mail the camera back to me with a picture of what the hell they’re doing in there. Just not as fun as it was when I was a kid.

Having My First Kiss: Ah, first love. It reminds me of feeling butterflies in my stomach and fireworks in my heart. Trying to relive that as an adult is difficult, especially when you’ve already had your first kiss. In order to experience that again, I had to erase my first kiss. I meticulously tracked down any records, files, paperwork, or indications that my first kiss, Julie Wexler, ever walked the Earth. After months and months of sleepless nights, I successfully erased her from existence, at least in the government’s eyes. Even still, I don’t feel the same way I did when I was a kid looking into Julie Wexler’s eyes. I also don’t remember her being so angry all the time.

Skateboarding: I have to admit, when I was a teenager, some said I was a bit of a rebel, others that I was a latchkey kid. And I’ve never felt more in control, more freedom than when I was a kid riding my skateboard. But now, as a freelancer, I don’t have medical insurance. When I tried to get back on the board last year, I messed up a trick and accidentally swallowed my whole skateboard. It took about twenty minutes to make its way down my throat, but it got down there. I basically went bankrupt from all the medical bills. It just takes one, simple mistake. Could happen to anyone, really.

Experimenting With Drugs: A quintessential part of any teenage rebellion is experimenting with drugs. Unfortunately, as a teen, nobody ever invited me to experiment with drugs. So I never knew what drugs were cool and which ones were lame. I went and asked the hospital what drugs I should experiment with and if they could sell them to me, sliding nickel after quarter to the woman behind the desk like a sly person. After I was banned from the hospital, (which is unfortunate because I’m currently passing yet another skateboard after trying a kickflip), I found some old drugs in the dumpster out back and injected them into my body. It was okay. But now I’m going through second puberty.

Going Through Puberty: Probably the hardest part about being a teenager is all of the changes that are going on in your body being on full public display. It resulted in some of the most confusing years of my life, but it was also incredibly rewarding to grow into a full-fledged adult! Now that I’m going through a chemically induced second puberty as an adult, I’m tormented by hair growing where it shouldn’t (on elbows, all over tongue), an aggressive growth spurt followed by an even more aggressive shrinking spurt, and worst of all, my voice cracking!

Hanging Out In The Basement Of My Childhood Home: This one actually went okay. The new owners of my parent’s house were very accommodating and hospitable.


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