Homepage / Fake News / The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards
Doctors Clear Ben Roethlisberger For Unwanted Contact When a Kink Chooses You Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms Tips For Getting Better At Crosswords Is Wayne Enterprises The ‘Silent Partner’ In Musk’s Recent Tesla Gambit? CBI issues best practice guidelines for awkward lift journeys Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ Free Books Until Midnight! | HumorFeed Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 21, 2018 LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums The 7 Types of Procrastinator Sexy and Confusing Lessons from the Online Fitness Industry The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization That Any Fucking Idiot Can Be Lawyer Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime Penny Not So Lucky For Tortured Soul Of Lincoln Trapped Inside India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 20, 2018 New York Times Presents 36 Hours Inside Your Own Head In Over His Head and Under Senate House Arrest My Only Regret Is That I Have But 96 Lives Per Day To Give For My Country by Wayne LaPierre The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mean Guys Snake Poses on a Plane Editorial: The So-Called ‘President’ Must Be Held to Account for Attacking the Free Press Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users If You Do This While Driving a Convertible, Things Will Definitely End Badly Support Women (If You Know One) Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count Conch Shell Opens Up During a Weekend in the Hamptons West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star Game Host Vanna White Resigns From Wheel of Fortune After 35 Years World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast I Didn’t Spend Four Years at Juilliard Studying Percussion To Be Called “Mr. Tambourine Man” Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased 4 Great Feelings That Will Make You Go Niiiiiice ‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season? Man Not Even The Hot Kind Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There SatireWorld’s Douchebag of the Week…..Gov. Andrew Cuomo Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look Hotshot Peasant Has Window Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ Trump Escalates Feud with Former Aide Frederick Douglass Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party Someone Robbed That KFC Again Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance Colin Hanks Is The Better Hanks, Fight Me Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin The 6 Types of People That Say “I’m Just Gonna Leave This Here” in Movies NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It   Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting? 8 Stages Of Deciding Dinner With Your Significant Other White House Honors Aretha Franklin By Not Releasing Official Statement On Her Death MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers Diversity Is So IN Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart…”I make His Fo Schizzle Sizzle” | You make the news…We report it! How To Keep Your Smartphone From Ruining Your Vacation I’m the Boyband Member Everyone Always Forgets Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season FBI Fingers Hillary Clinton In Surprise Vagina Probe Whoa, I Saw The Mummy That’s Been Chasing Us Without His Bandages and He’s Actually Really Handsome Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That Christ’s Eyes Were Much Lower Down On His Face Than Previously Believed Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything President Revokes Security Clearance Of Macaulay Culkin More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’ The Onion Reviews ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ Fantasizing Priest Accidentally Turns Communion Wafer Into Body Of Altar Boy Swamp Thing – Will Durst, Humor Times The Problem With Doing What You Love For A Living Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It Senate Republicans Promise There Will Be Plenty Of Time To Review Kavanaugh Writings When They Become Law Of Land North, South Korea Agree To Summit In Pyongyang

Fake News

The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards



Aging isn’t for sissies, as Zsa Zsa pointed out.

A few years back I started getting mailers advertising cheap, though high-quality cremations. That was definitely off-putting. Then I got a letter from social security estimating my measly retirement benefits. I wasn’t too happy with these reminders about my age.

But the final straw was receiving a really stupid birthday card saying something that was supposed to be funny about the term “geezers.”

Perhaps the cards could comment on interesting things we’ve seen for the first time in our lifetime: “Aren’t you lucky to have made it to the computer age?”

Now that I’m 68, the so-called humorous birthday cards about aging are getting on my nerves. I really would prefer a card that was just about the birthday, and not about the age the birthday is marking.

Occasionally, one that is funny does come my way—like a Maxine cartoon saying, “Reach for the Stars! It keeps your chest from sagging”—but usually the cards’ messages are as predictable as April 15th taxes.

I became obsessed with cards about aging and what I’ve found isn’t encouraging.

Some cards attempt to make jokes about the worst possible scenarios about aging: baldness; flatulence; impotence; dentures; knee replacements; incontinence; sagging skin; declining memory; constipation; menopause and even dementia—the list of horrors is endless.

And there are truly dreadful cards about what I call “creeping infantilism” with jokes about how the recipient is now going to bed at the time he or she used to set out to party.

The more cheerful cards are little better, trying to highlight the advantages of being old: you are aged like fine wine or cheese; you no longer have to flatter your boss; you can sleep as late as you like; no worries about what others think of you; you get the idea. The advantages are merely less grim than the downsides.

A few cards do say something along the lines of, “You are now a member of the wise elder tribe, looked up to by humanity.” Or, “You can now volunteer, mentor, and save the planet from humankind’s follies.”

And a few take a positive view of forced leisure, “Now you can be a couch potato without guilt” or “Now that you’re a senior, relax in a hammock with a margarita while reading a juicy novel.”

These cards are certainly an improvement over jokes about flatulence, but I wish that the birthday cards were more like congratulations cards: congrats on graduation, your promotion, your new house, new baby, new husband, new job, trip around the world.

For those of us over 60, the cards I have in mind could say, “Congratulations on outwitting the grim reaper, keep up the good work!” “Congratulations on retirement and on to new frontiers,” or, “Congrats on still having an inheritance to pass on to your kids.”

And if age has to be mentioned at all, “Keep on trucking and best wishes for the next third of your life!”

Perhaps the cards could comment on interesting things we’ve seen for the first time in our lifetime: “Aren’t you lucky to have made it to the computer age? Many good years of net surfing to you!”

Or “Isn’t it great that you lived to see the plug-in car and micro-breweries!”

Or “How fantastic that you were around long enough to have your face on Facebook!”

Since so few decent cards, perhaps buy a blank one and write your own message.

What? Send an actual snail mail card? Isn’t that passé? And stamps are now $.45 and rising (although hopefully, we’re not too pessimistic to buy a forever stamp.)

But the way I see it, when I am 90 I would rather look at 50 great paper cards I have saved than turn on the computer to see 30-year-old e-cards (assuming my current computer lives as long as do).

What I’m trying to say is: come on, Hallmark, hire us Baby Boomers to write for you and we’ll revolutionize this pathetic senior birthday card market.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish