Homepage / Fake News / The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards
Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material Jared Kushner Likely Avoided Income Tax For Years Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent Me, Frankenstein Monster, Am Victim of Angry Mob and Me Blame George Soros Loser Woman Hasn’t Even Inspired One Bar Fight Every Negotiation Scene Ever Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War Horrified Nurses Discover 40-Pound Baby After Accidentally Leaving It In Incubator Over Weekend Rosie O’Donnell Admits What She Did With Her Tuba “This One Time at Band Camp” All Hallow's Grieve Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat Drawfee Presents CARTOON HELL [First Full Episode] Jack-o’-lantern Designs that Say “We’re Filing for Divorce” Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s” A Sexy Fire Drill | See Plum Run Is There a Subtle Way to Ask if My Book-Club Book Has Cunnilingus in It? Stephen Hawking’s Final Paper Revealed H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases by Pat Landers Woman Always Gets Best Ideas While Taking Shower With Two Jacked Dudes Should LeBron James Leave ‘Space Jam 2’ For A Movie With A Better Chance Of Winning An Oscar? Frightened Don Jr. Asks If He Can Sleep In Dad’s Bed After Bad Dream About Being Indicted Panicked Falcons Discover Scratch In Mercedes Benz Stadium This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Sully Sullenberger Realizes It Too Late Now To Let Everyone Know Plane Did All That Stuff On Autopilot Bill And Hillary Clinton Announce Joint Tour Mom Hates Bad Guy In Movie This Bitter Couple Tells Us The Secret To A 3-Year, 5-Month, And 2-Week Marriage Kanye West Jumps On Massage Table To Deliver Speech About Relaxation Stop Hating My Favorite Things How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again Trump Administration Urges Saudis To Stick To Killing Random Yemeni Civilians Many States Still Relying On Outdated Methods To Disenfranchise Voters Woman Reveals She Was With Kavanaugh the Night Christine Blasey Ford Testified About Classic Chuck Norris Film “Good Guys Wear Black” to have Politically Correct Remake Movies Reviewed by Me, a Teen in the Early 2000s, Based on What I Saw Before I Started Making Out Trump Touts Ivanka's World Capitals IQ in Consideration of Her as UN Ambassador ‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection Students Who Take Latin Have Better Chance Of Summoning Demon Later In Life Mom Still Raving About Butternut Squash Ravioli She Tried 13 Years Ago Hurricane Michael Makes Landfall In Most Dangerous Storm In Florida Panhandle History ‘The Convergence Is At Hand,’ Announces Sears CEO As Employees Report To Company Headquarters In White Gowns Panicked Meteorologists Advise Entire Nation To Take Cover After Losing Track Of Hurricane Michael Leaving Neil Armstrong’s Homemade Banner Out of “First Man” Ignores that the Moon Landing was a Completely Individual Achievement Tips For Relieving Back Pain Rick Scott Orders Hurricane Michael To Evacuate From Florida 10 Ways To Come Out of The Closet The CORRECT Way An Inside Look At The Crack Marketing Team At Pornhub Salamanders Bravely Offer To Go Extinct In Place Of Better Animal What If We Made Voting Fun? Sexual Allegations Against “Slick Willie” Different Than Those Against Trump and Kavanaugh Is This Year's Giants Team An Al-Qaeda Plot Designed To Hurt New Yorkers Again? No, You Don’t Need To Worry About Trick-or-Treaters Being Given Edibles Calm, Measured Trump Hard At Work After Freak Accident Leaves Him With Railroad Spike Lodged In Skull Kim Jong-Un Wants Pope To Visit North Korea Cyborg Cops & Sci-Fi Substance Abuse | Um, Actually Obese Man Has Amazing Calves Democrats Issue Ultimatum To Donald Trump: Do Not Juggle Chainsaws ‘Can Anyone Hear Me?’ Shout Terrified Climate Scientists Frantically Waving Arms As Passersby Walk Straight Through Them ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil Tips For Dealing With A Difficult Landlord Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted In The Trumpian Translation 5 Things To Know About Rachel Maddow Nikki Haley Resigns As Trump’s U.N. Ambassador Kowtow: Chinese Habit We Are Learning U.S. Public Health Service Estimates They’ll Have Tuskegee Experiment Wrapped Up By 2020 Kavanaugh Huffs and Puffs His Way to the Supreme Court [Title Blocked Until You Pledge To My Patreon] ‘We Love When Thing Taste Like Other Thing’ NFL Urges Pass Rushers To Try Reaching Peaceful Resolution With Quarterbacks Before Resorting To Tackling What's Your Worst Roommate Story? Febreze Releases New Air Horn For Covering Up Unpleasant Bathroom Sounds Taylor Swift Breaks Silence On Politics To Support Democrats There Never Been A Better Time To Buy Than Right Now Strange, Nightmarish Incident Results In Man Waking Up As Giant Kafka Taylor Swift Inspires 200 Million Fans To Register To Vote In Tennessee New Polls Increase Fears That Midterm Elections Will Be Won By Wave Of Politicians Banksy Hospitalized With Third Degree Burns After Attempting To Cash Self-Destructing Check U.N. Reports Says Humanity Has 12 Years To Avert Climate-Related Catastrophe Nikki Haley Resigns To Accept Consulting Role With Afghan Warlord Most Americans’ Retirement Plans Consist Of Hoping Their Random Junk Turns Out To Be Collector’s Item Worth Millions Zangief Blasted For Disrespectful Celebration After Fight In Spain The Beginning Begins | Fantasy High [Full Episode]

Fake News

The Worst Part About Aging is the Awful Birthday Cards



Aging isn’t for sissies, as Zsa Zsa pointed out.

A few years back I started getting mailers advertising cheap, though high-quality cremations. That was definitely off-putting. Then I got a letter from social security estimating my measly retirement benefits. I wasn’t too happy with these reminders about my age.

But the final straw was receiving a really stupid birthday card saying something that was supposed to be funny about the term “geezers.”

Perhaps the cards could comment on interesting things we’ve seen for the first time in our lifetime: “Aren’t you lucky to have made it to the computer age?”

Now that I’m 68, the so-called humorous birthday cards about aging are getting on my nerves. I really would prefer a card that was just about the birthday, and not about the age the birthday is marking.

Occasionally, one that is funny does come my way—like a Maxine cartoon saying, “Reach for the Stars! It keeps your chest from sagging”—but usually the cards’ messages are as predictable as April 15th taxes.

I became obsessed with cards about aging and what I’ve found isn’t encouraging.

Some cards attempt to make jokes about the worst possible scenarios about aging: baldness; flatulence; impotence; dentures; knee replacements; incontinence; sagging skin; declining memory; constipation; menopause and even dementia—the list of horrors is endless.

And there are truly dreadful cards about what I call “creeping infantilism” with jokes about how the recipient is now going to bed at the time he or she used to set out to party.

The more cheerful cards are little better, trying to highlight the advantages of being old: you are aged like fine wine or cheese; you no longer have to flatter your boss; you can sleep as late as you like; no worries about what others think of you; you get the idea. The advantages are merely less grim than the downsides.

A few cards do say something along the lines of, “You are now a member of the wise elder tribe, looked up to by humanity.” Or, “You can now volunteer, mentor, and save the planet from humankind’s follies.”

And a few take a positive view of forced leisure, “Now you can be a couch potato without guilt” or “Now that you’re a senior, relax in a hammock with a margarita while reading a juicy novel.”

These cards are certainly an improvement over jokes about flatulence, but I wish that the birthday cards were more like congratulations cards: congrats on graduation, your promotion, your new house, new baby, new husband, new job, trip around the world.

For those of us over 60, the cards I have in mind could say, “Congratulations on outwitting the grim reaper, keep up the good work!” “Congratulations on retirement and on to new frontiers,” or, “Congrats on still having an inheritance to pass on to your kids.”

And if age has to be mentioned at all, “Keep on trucking and best wishes for the next third of your life!”

Perhaps the cards could comment on interesting things we’ve seen for the first time in our lifetime: “Aren’t you lucky to have made it to the computer age? Many good years of net surfing to you!”

Or “Isn’t it great that you lived to see the plug-in car and micro-breweries!”

Or “How fantastic that you were around long enough to have your face on Facebook!”

Since so few decent cards, perhaps buy a blank one and write your own message.

What? Send an actual snail mail card? Isn’t that passé? And stamps are now $.45 and rising (although hopefully, we’re not too pessimistic to buy a forever stamp.)

But the way I see it, when I am 90 I would rather look at 50 great paper cards I have saved than turn on the computer to see 30-year-old e-cards (assuming my current computer lives as long as do).

What I’m trying to say is: come on, Hallmark, hire us Baby Boomers to write for you and we’ll revolutionize this pathetic senior birthday card market.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish