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List: Why Your Cat Has Economic Anxiety Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up Editorial: So-Called ‘President’ – James Israel, Humor Times Trump Covered In Own Shit After Furloughed White House Staff Fail To Bathe President Movie Review: Stan and Ollie ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’ Shut Out Federal Workers See What Real Life Is in the Labor Ghetto Giuliani Clarifies He Doesn’t Want Gravestone To Say ‘He Married His Cousin’ Either Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public Freaky Scientists Who Experimented on Themselves Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24 Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019 My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser] Congressman Dean Koonce Appears in Black Face on Capitol Floor Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History Nation Celebrates MLK Day Little Shop Of Hey Now Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019 Getting Stuck in a Dance Circle 11 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown 5 Things To Know About Julián Castro Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner List: The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Redundancy Seeing Your Teacher in Public [Full Episode] The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing Democrats Counter-Proposal: Build a Wall Around Trump Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez DIY Face Masks That Heal Everything Except the Adolescent Damage From Claire Zabicky Playing Diablo Summons the Devil Bound by My Stepbrother Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings Despite Test Results Doctor No Idea What Wrong With You Yahoo! 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Fake News

The White House of Horrors: Release and Waiver of Liability and Risk Assumption Agreement



WARNING!

You will not be allowed into THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS unless you consent to all terms of this agreement (which are written in the blood of her whatever on the back of all White House staff employment applications and West Wing bathroom mirrors) and acknowledge your full acceptance of this agreement by responding to any CNN interview request with “lock her up.”

Upon entry to THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, you agree to entirely waive your rights to sue if you incur physical, psychological, or reputational injury!

I. Assumption of Risk.

Any person who enters THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS acknowledges that this is a unique presidential environment, designed to maximize the fright and anxiety experienced by any employee regardless of personal sacrifice to, or ideological alignment with, the sitting President, and that this environment has certain, inherent, known and unknown, obvious or non-obvious risks, including, but not limited to: falling; tripping; lying; being stabbed in the back; getting shouted out of restaurants; unsolicited support from white supremacists; criticism from your employer regardless of merit; or treason.

These risks may cause serious moral injury or even complete soul death.

You further acknowledge and assume liability for the presence of, and exposure to, the following risks:

  1. fog, dust, or airborne spray tan solution;
  2. management of confederate statue defense funds;
  3. ghosts, ghouls, and possible indictments;
  4. obstacles and obstructions on, in, or along your upward career trajectory following your tenure;
  5. haunting regrets;
  6. dimly lit stairwells;
  7. eerily dwindling base support;
  8. delusions of grandeur;
  9. being forced to protest Nike, Keurig, and fact-based reasoning;
  10. loud, violent, and often incorrectly spelled Twitter blasts from your employer;
  11. imprisonment;
  12. overcooked steak;
  13. visits from future you warning present you to renounce your evil ways until it’s too late;
  14. lost children;
  15. any acts performed by you or your coworkers spurred by fear, anxiety, psychopathy, cowardice, greed, or any other psychological or emotional decay;
  16. continued failure of checks and balances, such as a functional congress or impartial judicial branch;
  17. unpredictable situations;
  18. science denial;
  19. sudden and extreme changes in temperature;
  20. terrible office parties;
  21. any act of evil performed, whatsoever, by any person working for THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, in addition to any and all other activities, procedures, or proposed legislation designed to frighten and confuse American citizens.

If you do not assume and accept all risk for potential injury, you do not have permission to enter THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS.

II. Release and Waiver of Liability.

By entering THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, you agree that you have read this agreement and all other warnings, and you willingly accept all risks, both specifically identified above and unknown, and to release The Trump Organization, the GOP, your conscience, and any of their business and/or building owners, employees, agents, affiliates, second cousins, and any future reality television deals from any and all claims, rights, and damages arising from any and all negligence or reckless act whatsoever on the part of the aforementioned parties, or their representatives.

If you do not release and waive all liability of the parties identified in this section, you do not have permission to enter THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS and will be subject to public shaming by assignment of an offensive, if unoriginal, nickname by the Commander-in-Chief.

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