Homepage / Fake News / The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case
Trump: Ouija Spirits Link McCain to Recent Boeing Crashes This Rapper Is Revolutionizing Ad-Libs Donald J Trump, Philanthropist and Humanitarian, is Dead at Age 87 Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music

Fake News

The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case


The universe tells me when one door closes another opens. The universe provides a seating area in the space between the one door closing and the other opening so that, if the other door doesn’t open when the first door closes, I have a place to hang out. The universe also tells me, even though there’s a place to sit between the one door opening and the other closing not to get too comfortable. The universe provides a sorta bench, but not some super-comfortable easy chair that I’m gonna wanna hang out in for hours. The universe also provides a book or two to read near the bench, like something from Deepak Chopra or Shakti Gawain.

The universe also tells me there is abundance. The universe isn’t specific about this abundance so it’s a little unclear if it’s an abundance of love, an abundance of money or even an abundance of hate for that matter. The universe could provide an abundance of love to overpower the abundance of hate if it wanted to. I really doubt it would cook up an abundance of hate to overpower the abundance of love because that would be so not like the universe to fuck with abundance that way. The universe is abundant with an infinite supply of all kinds of shit it can cook up whenever. The universe could send me a guy with a huge bag of money right now. But that’s not the universe’s style. The universe is not Oprah.

A long time ago, when I was having a hard time in 4th grade, the universe told me that Alina Goldblatt had a crush on me. That really helped because 4th grade sucked in a lot of ways but was made better because I knew she had a crush on me, even though we never really did anything. It was just kinda cool.

Alina Goldblatt is now Alina Masterson and lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has 2 kids and is married to Peter Masterson who is a mortgage broker. She runs a pottery studio where she teaches classes year round. The universe didn’t tell me that. I learned that on Facebook.

The universe wants me to be happy. The universe really does want me to be happy. I am not happy. I’m actually pretty fucking depressed lately and I don’t give a shit what the fucking universe wants. It’s not doing me a damn bit of good. And I’m kinda pissed at the universe because it wants me to be happy and I’m not happy. In fact, I’m even more pissed because the universe, some ethereal, all-encompassing entity which comprises everything that ever was and ever will be, that this thing is all, “Dude, I want you to be happy!” and I’m not and I’m like, “Thanks a fucking lot asshole fucking universe! Now I feel even worse because I don’t feel the way the entire fucking universe wants me to feel!”

So, like, I think maybe the universe felt really sorry. And maybe the universe sent out some bad vibes and this very well may be why we have a stupid fucking idiot for a president and things in general are absolutely horrible all over the God damned world. So maybe the universe really wants me to feel better about myself so that maybe in the coming mid-term elections there’s a surge of Democrats who will come in and impeach this fucking nutjob and maybe the universe can set things straight again.

I mean, I hope so but the universe is huge and has a lot going on. Like, what if there’s some black hole 40 million light years away from me and my depression. Like something that is the veritable opposite of abundance which is literally consuming everything within millions of miles around it, stars and planets are being crushed and condensed and light and energy itself cannot escape.

So the universe really has its hands full with all that shit. I can’t imagine how the universe handles all of it but that’s the universe’s job. That’s what it does. Somehow, in the middle of all this, the universe is providing benches in hallways and books to read and abundance and telling me everything is gonna be just fine despite how screwed up it looks, it’s just gonna be fine. I have to remember that.

I just hope the universe can get rid of this president though. Seriously.

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish