Fortunately, in today’s digital environment, there are plenty of mediocre online degree programs where you can waste away your free hours. Earn your masters degree from your couch while you drown your feelings of inadequacy in a bag of Doritos! Here are our top picks for the best online graduate degrees for when you’ve given up on your dreams.
Masters in Accounting
With a masters in accounting, you’ll be equipped to start a dynamic new career. Think about how much fun you have filing your taxes every year and imagine getting to do that every day! Job outlook for this field is improving every year, so once you’ve secured this valuable credential, you’ll be able to secure a pair of golden handcuffs in any major metropolitan area. Bust out those calculators, it’s going to be a long thirty years.
Masters in IT
As a millennial, you should instinctively know how to be good at computers. And, as you know, the demand for IT professionals is booming. A masters degree in IT will equip you with the skills you need to become the guy who condescendingly tells employees to restart their computers. Remember: Your cousin works in IT and if the Instagram posts from his recent trip to Mallorca are any indication, this degree will lead to a six-figure salary that you can use to buy the happiness you thought you’d have just stumbled on by 28.
Masters in Business Administration
You no longer need to go to Harvard to get an MBA: This reliable, time-tested masters degree can now be earned online from hundreds of schools across the country! To keep your investment under $30K in additional student debt, earn your MBA from a either a not-respected or completely unheard of school. The choice is yours! And once you’ve got that degree, your career opportunities will be unlimited: You can become anything from an overqualified bank teller to an overqualified assistant manager of a Jimmy John’s. If nothing else, you’ll be able to define “synergy” and feel superior to your peers at your high school reunion.
Masters in Finance
Do you love math? Do you love staring at Excel formulas until your eyes bleed? Do you love spending time with people who inherited more money than you will ever earn in your life? If you answered yes, or just started crying out of sheer panic for not knowing what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, a masters degree in finance may be for you! After all, you see a lot of job postings for financial analysts. What does that job actually do? With an online masters in finance, you’ll find out!
Masters in Communication
Although the average salary for a masters in communication graduate is only around $40K per year, you will gain valuable written communication skills that are grievously undervalued in American society. You could score a job working for a marketing firm or in-house communications after you learn how to write to a variety of audiences: ages all the way from 18 to 24! Plus, maybe some of your writer classmates will like your take on Holden Caulfield from your steampunk Catcher in the Rye. Phoebe is an automaton. The carousel is made of clocks. Come on!
With so many available options, an online masters degree is the next step towards proving to your parents, classmates, and partner that you do have your shit together. Whether you’re destined for a soul-sucking career in business administration or a crushing eternity in IT, there is an online masters program that will be there to help you achieve the opposite of your actual dreams.
And no matter what option you pick, there’s one crucial fact to remember: at least you’re not going to law school.
Follow Points in Case on Twitter.
Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV – 10% off with code PIC.
Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.