This is the hitherto-unreleased transcript of what transpired on that sweltering July afternoon.
Washington D.C.: Alright, we all know why we’re here, so let’s not waste any more time than we need to. Now we agreed we’d start in alphabetical order, so—
Delaware: First State
Washington D.C.: What?
Delaware: First State, I’m the first state, let’s get that out of the way.
Washington D.C.: Okay, this isn’t a Youtube comments section, nobody cares about that, and you need to wait your turn.
Connecticut: Besides, you’re still clinging to that? It’s been hundreds of years, Delaware, find a new accomplishment to tout.
Delaware: Oh, and what’s your nickname going to be, if it’s so great and novel?
Connecticut: The Constitution State
D.C.: Alright, just going to ignore that hypocrisy, I guess. Now then, I suppose we’ll just go around the room. You there, Nevada, do you know what you’re going to go with?
Nevada: The Silver State!
D.C.: Great! And what about you, California?
California: Ahem: The Golden State.
Nevada: Aww, dick move, man.
(Utah frantically crosses out “The Bronze State” from its notes.)
D.C.: Leave it alone, Nevada, we’ve still got a long way to go. Iowa, you’re next.
Iowa: The Hawkeye State
D.C.: You’re naming yourself after the least interesting Avengers character?
Iowa: Marvel promised us royalties, and corn-money can only get you so far on its own.
Tennessee: We call The Iron Man State!
Iowa: Aww come on, that’s no fair.
D.C.: No can do, Tennessee.
Tennessee: Fine. What about The-Only-Ten-I-See State?
D.C.: I’m going to write down The Volunteer State, and we’ll just try that for a while.
Arkansas: We’d like to be The Natural State.
Florida: (freshly botoxed) And what is that supposed to mean?
Indiana: Ooh, somebody is throwing shade.
D.C.: Indiana, stop causing trouble and pick a nickname.
Indiana: The Hoosier State is fine.
D.C.: What’s a Hoosier?
Oklahoma: We’ll be The Sooner State.
D.C.: What’s a Sooner?
Nebraska: The Cornhusker State.
D.C.: WHAT IS A CORNHUSKER?
Texas: The Aggie State, please.
D.C.: Damn it, no! No more college mascots. Texas, choose a real nickname.
Texas: What about The Lone Star State?
Mississippi: I thought all the Jews were in Florida though.
Florida: And what is that supposed to mean?!
Indiana: Oh-ho, and yet more shade!
D.C.: Indiana, I swear to God if I have to tell you one more time to leave Florida alone.
Alabama: Hey, that’s a great idea! We call The God State.
Alabama: The Church And State?
D.C.: Clever, but no.
North Dakota: (muttering beneath its breath) How about the State of Disrepair?
D.C.: Alabama, we’ll come back to you later, maybe after you’ve taken a basic Civics lesson.
New Jersey: We would like to be The Garden State.
D.C.: Whatever, sounds fine to me.
North Dakota: We would like to be The Peace Garden State.
New Jersey: Are you serious?
Nevada: See, it’s not fun being one-upped, is it?
New Hampshire: NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMANDS TO BE CALLED THE WAR GARDEN STATE.
D.C.: New Hampshire, what’s wrong with you. I let you get away with “Live Free or Die” on your license plates. Aren’t you being a little bellicose?
New Hampshire: NEW HAMPSHIRE WOULD ALSO SETTLE FOR THE GRANITE STATE.
D.C.: Speaking of New Hampshire, what about you, Vermont?
Vermont: (strums an open chord on the acoustic guitar) The folks of Vermont would be happy just being called Green Mountain State.
D.C.: You’re pushing that coffee brand pretty hard aren’t you?
West Virginia: West Virginia calls The Mountain State.
D.C.: Don’t tell me you’re—
West Virginia: We’re coming up with our own brand of coffee, yes.
Alaska: The Last Frontier.
D.C.: Isn’t that space?
Alaska: We are mostly space, that’s correct.
D.C.: At least you’re honest. Ohio?
Ohio: The Buckeye State.
D.C.: Whatever that is! Missouri?
Missouri: The Show Me State
D.C.: Show you what?
Missouri: (smiling perversely) Our “Buckeye”.
D.C.: (banging gavel) Alright, we’re calling a recess.