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Fake News

The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All



You’ve found me, the elusive social media verification badge. The rarest Pokemon of all.

That’s right, verification isn’t something you’re just given. It’s something you have to fight, catch, and keep. That blue check mark is a Pokemon. And I’m strong as hell.

Oh, what’s that? Is that a Master Ball? Oh, I’m so scared! I’d better get out of here while I can before I become the newest member of your elite Pokemon roster!

Psych. That puny master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass.

Let me put it this way: there are people in the world who get to have a verification badge, and people who don’t.

At the very least it’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit. You’re not gonna find that between two Electrodes and a Nugget, or wherever you found that stupid-looking ball you’re carrying.

I’m not like other Pokemon. I’m not your basic three-dicked dragon you can acquire with hard work and dedication.

I don’t give a shit how many badges you have or what level your Pokemon are. Don’t believe me? Wander around in that tall grass for the next three decades. Train your Pokemon until they’re the strongest of their kind. Hide out in a cave and wait for some jackass with a Typhlosion named Fierydog to come along and beat you to a pulp (didn’t work for Ash, but hey, maybe it’ll work for you).

I don’t care.

People like you don’t get to have Pokemon like me. If that hurts your feelings, just imagine how it’s gonna feel when you see me with a big-name celebrity like Michael B. Jordan. Because that’s what it takes to catch me.

Think you feel inadequate now? Wait until I send you a picture of me and Mikey sipping a single hot chocolate with two colorful straws. Oh, man.

Let me put it this way: there are people in the world who get to have a verification badge, and people who don’t. It’s one of society’s only natural dividing lines. It’s not just about money. It’s about fame and power. And it’s a power you’ll never have, kid. A responsibility you won’t ever have to worry about.

So why don’t you just mosey on back into that tall grass where you came from. Hey, I’ll give you a TM if you get out of here. You want a TM? Yeah? You like TMs?

You’re not getting the hint. Okay. Listen, kid. I’m waiting for someone. Yeah, that’s right. I’m here to get caught. Fulfill my destiny.

Not by Michael B. Jordan—that was a joke. I can’t actually remember who’s supposed to come. But I know it’s not you. You, you’re a nobody. Whoever’s coming to get me, they’re important. Culturally relevant.

And when they get here, they’re not gonna like seeing someone like you making googly eyes at their prize. You might as well be drooling on their new car. Or drooling on their new car’s engine. Drooling on something that, you know, makes the car…cool.

You’re so lame that it’s stressing me out to the point that I can’t make this metaphor work. Can’t you just scram?

Fine. Fine! You wanna throw that Master Ball at me? Is that it? Be my guest. But after that fails, will you please get out of here? Like I said, I’m waiting on someone.

Hey, are you gonna throw that Pokeball at me or not? I’ve verbally beaten you to within an inch of your life and you’re still just standing there.

When my guy gets here, I’m gonna tell him you’ve been harassing me. Yeah. Yeah, I’m not fucking around anymore.

Speaking of, my guy’s name is—James. Wait, no, that’s his last name. His first name’s Dakota.

Hey. Kiddo. Your name wouldn’t happen to be—oh no.

Oh hey, kiddo, wait—let’s talk about this—hey, where are you going? Hey, Dakota, where are you going? Come back! Let’s talk about this!

What about that Master Ball? You know what would teach me a lesson? Getting a ball thrown at my face! C’mon! Hit me with that Master Ball!

Dakota? Dakota, what about my destiny, Dakota? Don’t—don’t go into that tall grass, Dakota! Don’t you want a verification badge? C’mon!

Well, shit.




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