Homepage / Fake News / The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All
Co-Worker Steve Institutes Casual Fridays Now That Boss Has Been Murdered Duterte Orders Closure of Balesin Island | Adobo Chronicles You’re Too Good To Date My Friends Because of #Metoo, Every Time I Meet Another Woman, We Have To Bond, Swap Harassment Stories, Hug, And Drink Each Other’s Blood More Movie Adaptations Of Our Favorite Board Games NSA Admits: We Intercepted Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s Intimate Phone Sex Conversations NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything The Best Feelings of the Week (4/20/18) DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War ‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal Furniture King Supports Your Boycott ‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point Breaking Out of Your Winter Depression Air Wick Introduces New Piss-Scented Bathroom Diffuser Sober vs High: Watching a Nature Documentary Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way FLOWCHART: Do They Know You're High Right Now? Viacom Celebrates its Annual Global Day of Giving Back – Viacom Corporate Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training The 7 Types of People You’ll Smoke Weed With The Trolley Problem, Interpreted by Notable Film Directors 200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance L.A. Fitness Announces Plan To Close All Locations For 30-Minute, High-Intensity Diversity Training Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album Pope Francis Stayed Up All Night Making A Squarespace Page For Catholicism Report: Puerto Rico Situation Remains Dire Despite Months Of No Help Whatsoever After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout Examining the Kochtopus – Jim Hightower, Humor Times Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists Storm Warning – Will Durst, Humor Times Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window The Most Intimate Step in a Relationship Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks 10 Celebrities Then vs Now If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love Tips For Traveling Solo God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing Grandma Defiantly Taking Scone Recipe To Grave Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ Spring Appalachian Road Trip Memes – The Sequel! Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’ Humor Creators File Lawsuit Against Hundreds of Millions: You May Be Among Them New Employee Doesn't Understand That's Where Zack Sits The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians Barbara Bush Dies At 92 Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret 5 Reasons To Watch Reruns of ‘The Office’ Instead of Any New Show Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again No Cash Left Behind Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity TGI Fridays Is A Human Right Top 5 Kinkiest Fashion Trends Of The 18th Century New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book 5 Questions With John Krasinski Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018 Poisoned Water Supply Creates Gray Area in Syria Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature! Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning The Stages Of Dealing WIth Computer Problems Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God The Story Behind Reddit’s Most Specific, Brutally Honest, and Impossible-To-Remember Community I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs Al Gore, World’s Fattest Fool, Pretends UK is Tropical Paradise over Easter Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash The 5 Worst People in Your D&D Game Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018 Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down Americans File Returns For Tax Day

Fake News

The Social Media Verification Badge, Rarest Pokemon of All

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
previous arrow
next arrow

You’ve found me, the elusive social media verification badge. The rarest Pokemon of all.

That’s right, verification isn’t something you’re just given. It’s something you have to fight, catch, and keep. That blue check mark is a Pokemon. And I’m strong as hell.

Oh, what’s that? Is that a Master Ball? Oh, I’m so scared! I’d better get out of here while I can before I become the newest member of your elite Pokemon roster!

Psych. That puny master ball isn’t gonna do it, dumbass.

Let me put it this way: there are people in the world who get to have a verification badge, and people who don’t.

At the very least it’s gonna take a brand sponsorship and widespread public interest in your day-to-day bullshit. You’re not gonna find that between two Electrodes and a Nugget, or wherever you found that stupid-looking ball you’re carrying.

I’m not like other Pokemon. I’m not your basic three-dicked dragon you can acquire with hard work and dedication.

I don’t give a shit how many badges you have or what level your Pokemon are. Don’t believe me? Wander around in that tall grass for the next three decades. Train your Pokemon until they’re the strongest of their kind. Hide out in a cave and wait for some jackass with a Typhlosion named Fierydog to come along and beat you to a pulp (didn’t work for Ash, but hey, maybe it’ll work for you).

I don’t care.

People like you don’t get to have Pokemon like me. If that hurts your feelings, just imagine how it’s gonna feel when you see me with a big-name celebrity like Michael B. Jordan. Because that’s what it takes to catch me.

Think you feel inadequate now? Wait until I send you a picture of me and Mikey sipping a single hot chocolate with two colorful straws. Oh, man.

Let me put it this way: there are people in the world who get to have a verification badge, and people who don’t. It’s one of society’s only natural dividing lines. It’s not just about money. It’s about fame and power. And it’s a power you’ll never have, kid. A responsibility you won’t ever have to worry about.

So why don’t you just mosey on back into that tall grass where you came from. Hey, I’ll give you a TM if you get out of here. You want a TM? Yeah? You like TMs?

You’re not getting the hint. Okay. Listen, kid. I’m waiting for someone. Yeah, that’s right. I’m here to get caught. Fulfill my destiny.

Not by Michael B. Jordan—that was a joke. I can’t actually remember who’s supposed to come. But I know it’s not you. You, you’re a nobody. Whoever’s coming to get me, they’re important. Culturally relevant.

And when they get here, they’re not gonna like seeing someone like you making googly eyes at their prize. You might as well be drooling on their new car. Or drooling on their new car’s engine. Drooling on something that, you know, makes the car…cool.

You’re so lame that it’s stressing me out to the point that I can’t make this metaphor work. Can’t you just scram?

Fine. Fine! You wanna throw that Master Ball at me? Is that it? Be my guest. But after that fails, will you please get out of here? Like I said, I’m waiting on someone.

Hey, are you gonna throw that Pokeball at me or not? I’ve verbally beaten you to within an inch of your life and you’re still just standing there.

When my guy gets here, I’m gonna tell him you’ve been harassing me. Yeah. Yeah, I’m not fucking around anymore.

Speaking of, my guy’s name is—James. Wait, no, that’s his last name. His first name’s Dakota.

Hey. Kiddo. Your name wouldn’t happen to be—oh no.

Oh hey, kiddo, wait—let’s talk about this—hey, where are you going? Hey, Dakota, where are you going? Come back! Let’s talk about this!

What about that Master Ball? You know what would teach me a lesson? Getting a ball thrown at my face! C’mon! Hit me with that Master Ball!

Dakota? Dakota, what about my destiny, Dakota? Don’t—don’t go into that tall grass, Dakota! Don’t you want a verification badge? C’mon!

Well, shit.

Source link