Go on a trip together.
Taking a vacation is a great way to jumpstart your marriage and reconnect with your partner. So hit the open road and set out on a grand adventure with your partner and a desperate hitchhiker you picked up somewhere outside of Tucson.
Routine is the enemy of marriage. A vacation is the perfect opportunity to shake things up and feel alive again. Go ahead and stay up past midnight, get that hitchhiker real drunk, tie him up, and toss him in your trunk when he’s passed out. Then tell your partner how that hitchhiker is not the only one who feels trapped.
Don’t dwell on the past.
You can’t stop and dwell over your decision to crush that hitchhiker’s skull with a rock, after listening to your partner try to slowly suck out a piece of lettuce from their back molar for the last seven exits. The important thing to remember is that marriage is a partnership between two people and the 160 lb corpse they need to dispose of. You both need to keep moving and use your forward momentum to roll the body off the cliff at the next scenic overlook you pass.
Change your scenery.
Don’t go back home. Nothing there will help your marriage or your alibi. It’s just going to be a bunch of nosy coworkers asking about your trip, where you went, who you saw, and why you needed to douse your car in gasoline until it was burned beyond recognition. They’ll never understand the unique bond you have with your partner, and they don’t need to. A marriage should be private and untraceable.
Have a shared hobby.
Running together is a great way to stay in shape and outrun the law. Once your partner clears their throat for the 34th consecutive time because the lettuce is dislodged now but it’s clinging to a tonsil, and you’ve been driven to push a second hitchhiker off another cliff, you’ll officially be wanted criminals. Let your partner know how good it feels to be wanted again, after all these years.
When you’ve been married for a while and you’re being hunted by the FBI, nothing’s sexier than pretending to be someone else. Put on a wig and a trench coat, shave your eyebrows off, walk with a cane, and speak in an accent no one can place. When creating a new identity, remind your partner it’s not necessary for them to continue making guttural, goat-like, throat-clearing sounds. In fact, it’s recommended they leave that character flaw behind forever or you’ll murder them next.
Remember the little things.
Remembering the little things makes all the difference when you’re married and concealing a crime. Put your heads together and try very hard to remember: Did you clean everything out of the trunk of the car before it went up in flames? Did those hikers see you dump the bodies? Did you remember to put an “Out of Office” auto-reply up before you left work? You can do the best thinking locked inside a motel room with the blinds drawn, so go there and do that.
Never go to bed angry.
Never go to bed at all. It’s not a guilty conscience, but your partner’s labored lettuce breathing, that’s kept you awake for the past 48 hours. It’s time to make good on your promise. Lower a pillow over their sleeping face and… wait was that someone knocking? What was that creaking sound? Does killing two people and attempting a third mean you’re unlovable? If your partner accepts that you are a violent, psychopathic, murderer and they still love you, why does listening to them breathe make you want to end their life? Was that shadow always there? Is someone speaking to you through a megaphone?
Trust the process.
Marriage is forever and so is your prison sentence. But now that you’re in a long- distance relationship, in separate correctional facilities, sleeping in separate cells, you’ll find the urge to smother your partner in their sleep has completely lifted. Finally, with the peace of mind that you will never have to live together again, you can fully appreciate the person you fell in love with. Marriage works in mysterious ways. You just have to trust the due process.