Homepage / Fake News / The Scrambler: Your Nemesis at Every Local Amusement Park
You’re Too Good To Date My Friends Because of #Metoo, Every Time I Meet Another Woman, We Have To Bond, Swap Harassment Stories, Hug, And Drink Each Other’s Blood More Movie Adaptations Of Our Favorite Board Games NSA Admits: We Intercepted Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s Intimate Phone Sex Conversations NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun Boss Wants To Know If You Can Work Late This Year The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of 28 Years As A Hoax This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing ‘This Land Is Your Land’ Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything The Best Feelings of the Week (4/20/18) DNC Files Lawsuit Alleging Nation Should Never, Ever Stop Focusing On 2016 Election Most Shocking Revelations Of The Comey Memos North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War ‘Politics Was Never This Toxic In The 2010s,’ Says Future American While Watching Candidates Battle In 2048 Debate Pits Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal Furniture King Supports Your Boycott ‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point Breaking Out of Your Winter Depression Air Wick Introduces New Piss-Scented Bathroom Diffuser Sober vs High: Watching a Nature Documentary Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way FLOWCHART: Do They Know You're High Right Now? Viacom Celebrates its Annual Global Day of Giving Back – Viacom Corporate Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training The 7 Types of People You’ll Smoke Weed With The Trolley Problem, Interpreted by Notable Film Directors 200 Million Eggs Recalled In U.S. After Dozens Become Ill Mom Makes Sure Everyone Has Masturbated Before Long Car Ride Those Who Do Not Learn From History Are Doomed To Repeat The Renaissance L.A. Fitness Announces Plan To Close All Locations For 30-Minute, High-Intensity Diversity Training Supreme Court Agrees To Hear New Jack White Album Pope Francis Stayed Up All Night Making A Squarespace Page For Catholicism Report: Puerto Rico Situation Remains Dire Despite Months Of No Help Whatsoever After An Island-Wide Blackout Left Millions Of Puerto Ricans Without Power, This Amazing Charity Air-Dropped Printouts Of The Most Epic Trump Takedowns On Twitter Puerto Rico Hit By Island-Wide Blackout Examining the Kochtopus – Jim Hightower, Humor Times Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists Storm Warning – Will Durst, Humor Times Mike Pompeo Defects To North Korea After Learning About Kim Jong-Un’s Torture Program Trash Bag Taped Over Broken Southwest Plane Window The Most Intimate Step in a Relationship Dad Ready To Forgive Dixie Chicks 10 Celebrities Then vs Now If Amazon and the Postal Service Were Two Teenage Boys in Forbidden Love Tips For Traveling Solo God Recalls Life-Changing Encounter With 8-Year-Old Boy Who Had Near-Death Experience Nation’s Liberals Not Sure What To Think After Hearing Special Counsel Has Waterboarded Every Suspect In Trump Investigation Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing Grandma Defiantly Taking Scone Recipe To Grave Kendrick Lamar Wins Historic Pulitzer Prize For ‘DAMN.’ Spring Appalachian Road Trip Memes – The Sequel! Nintendo Has Released A Chair That Will Launch You Through Your TV If You Crash In ‘Mario Kart’ Humor Creators File Lawsuit Against Hundreds of Millions: You May Be Among Them New Employee Doesn't Understand That's Where Zack Sits The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Think Tank Carmelo Anthony Struggles To Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Dementors Are The Wizarding World’s Version Of Italians Barbara Bush Dies At 92 Barbara Bush Passes Away Surrounded By Loved Ones, Jeb Shy Balloon Spends Entire Party Floating In Back Corner Of Room By Itself Cottonelle Adds Blue Strip To Toilet Paper But Keeps What It Does A Secret 5 Reasons To Watch Reruns of ‘The Office’ Instead of Any New Show Congress Not Sure What It Did To Make Trump Think It Wouldn’t Roll Over For Whatever He Wants In Syria I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again No Cash Left Behind Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity TGI Fridays Is A Human Right Top 5 Kinkiest Fashion Trends Of The 18th Century New Law Requires Sex Offenders To Inform Residents Before Moving Into Their Homes New Evidence Suggests First Gallows Created As Early Attempt At Autoerotic Asphyxiation Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players Biggest Revelations From James Comey’s New Book 5 Questions With John Krasinski Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 17, 2018 Poisoned Water Supply Creates Gray Area in Syria Step Right Up And Feast Your Eyes On The Unfathomable Comey, The Man Who Is Both Good And Bad! The Beautiful Monster Who Makes Resisters’ Minds Spin! Betrayer Of Hillary! Enemy Of Trump! Behold This Freak Of Nature! Controversial Theory Suggests Aliens May Have Built Ancient Egypt’s Intergalactic Spaceport Mueller Combs Through Dozens Of Damning White House Emails He Was Accidentally CC’d On Alex Jones Pleads With Sandy Hook Parents To Imagine Pain An Expensive Lawsuit Would Cause Him Comey Says Trump ‘Morally Unfit’ To Be President As Clash Escalates Kendrick Lamar Becomes First Rapper To Win Pulitzer Prize For Editorial Cartooning The Stages Of Dealing WIth Computer Problems Hannity Claims Relationship With Cohen Never Went Past Payment For Legal Advice, Defense Strategy In Criminal Cases Half-Empty Bottle Of Colt 45 Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God The Story Behind Reddit’s Most Specific, Brutally Honest, and Impossible-To-Remember Community I’ll Be Back To Fix Our Marriage After This 72-Hour “Fortnite” Session Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit  Half-Empty Bottle Of Olde English Left On Church Steps Must Be Offering To God Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs Al Gore, World’s Fattest Fool, Pretends UK is Tropical Paradise over Easter Researchers Find New Malware Designed To Make ATMs Spit Out Cash The 5 Worst People in Your D&D Game Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game 6 Reasons Brandon Gave For Why His Dad Isn’t Around That Are Definitely Bullshit New ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Book ‘The Fall Of Gondolin’ To Be Released This Year The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 16, 2018 Cool Glitch Effect On Movie Studio Logo Must Mean Shit About To Go Down Americans File Returns For Tax Day U.S. Won’t Rule Out Escalating Defense-Sector Profits From Syria Conflict Ex-Boyfriend Hopes To Still Be Terrible, Incompatible Friends

Fake News

The Scrambler: Your Nemesis at Every Local Amusement Park

Buy the Wine Cloud T-Shirt at Awkward T-shirts
dab on them haters t-shirt
I Believe in ReinCATnation T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Books Reading T-Shirt Amazon.com
Funny Breaking News T-Shirt Amazon.com
previous arrow
next arrow
PlayPause
Slider



I’ve been working on a script for hours and the words aren’t coming. So, after consuming a pot and a half of coffee and chewing on about a dozen chocolate-covered espresso beans, give or take a dozen, I go down to the local amusement park. To clear my head.

I wander. Until I come across…The Scrambler. ‘To clear, one must first scramble.” I’m sure I heard Deepak Chopra utter those words. Or was it Wavy Gravy? Doesn’t matter.

For the uninitiated, The Scrambler is an amusement ride with three long arms which revolve around a central post. At the end of each arm hangs a group of seats which revolve in a circle. When the ride starts up, the arms spin, the seats spin…there’s a lot of spinning, in all directions.

I’m standing by the ride in progress and see an 8-year-old girl whipping around, laughing, waving at her friends, having fun. Fun. I can have fun. Fun is fun. Fun is “nuf” spelled backwards. I must get on that ride to scramble and clear and save the script.

The ride’s flashing lights and blaring organ music was, no doubt, a disorienting technique the ride owner picked up from the CIA.

Beads of sweat convene on my forehead. My right leg shakes like I’m doing an Elvis impersonation. Teeth grind. It’s not the coffee. Don’t blame the coffee. Did I have too much? NO! You didn’t have enough. Who are you? I’m your coffee conscience. I know Juan Valdez. We’re not close. Fresh mountain grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

Buy a ticket.

I hand the operator a bunch of money and tell him to give the change to support concussion research on the mole in Whack-A-Mole. He laughs. “I’m serious, man,” I say.

There are two seats available. One is next to a really fat kid eating an ice cream cone. Who lets a fat kid with an ice cream cone on a ride? Ice cream can become airborne. The other seat is next to… a vision of beauty in the form of a woman who looks like she stepped out of the pages of Vogue, after stepping out of the pages of Mother Earth, The New Yorker, American Heritage of Invention and Technology, and Die Freundin. She has silky dirty blonde hair, wears cat’s eye glasses and has on a flowery light 70’s dress. Her face radiates glowing luminosity. Not sure if I just broke some kind of law using all those words together. I’ll accept the consequences. I have in my back pocket a copy of Viktor Frankel’s Man’s Search for Meaning just in case I’m imprisoned. No need to flip a coin on this one.

While the operator locks us in…

“Um, hey, hi… Alan,” I say.

“Cali. I have a cousin named Alan. Are you ready?” she says. And smiles.

I break my 100-year ban on the use of the letters OMG together in succession.

OMG!

After the ride I must get her number. Who knew The Scrambler was the place to meet beautiful women?

“Me? I was born ready,” I say.

Turns out I was not born ready.

The ride starts up. Our car whips around, gathers speed, and heads straight for the fence. We are heading straight for the fence, my coffee conscience says. HOLY SHIT! We are headed for the fence. We will hit the fence. We will go through the fence. We will topple. And nosedive. And plunge. Our heads will bang the ground repeatedly. I won’t be able to eat pudding without assistance for many years.

It might be instructive at this point to interject my experience on amusement rides. When I was a kid I ventured on the merry-go-round once. Two words: death trap. The horse behind me was always this close to taking a nip from my back. I had to continually spur my horse to stay out of reach. The ride’s flashing lights and blaring organ music was, no doubt, a disorienting technique the ride owner picked up from the CIA. Rides were really not my amusement park thing. I preferred the bench.

“We’re gonna die!” I say.

“Isn’t this fun?” she says.

I close my eyes and pray to every deity I ever read about including the Norse Goddess Frigg. What the frig, Frigg? WHAT THE FRIG?!

“Noooooooo!” I say.

Cali LAUGHS. LAUGHS MORE.

If I survive I promise to devote my life to the lepers of the lepers of the world: actresses over 40 in Hollywood.

Her laugh echoes like she’s a mile away. I’m feeling stretch and squash. Arms rubbery.

I get panicky. What’s happening?! Be cool, Coffee Conscience says. Coffee Conscience sounds a lot like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

After a time I open my eyes. I’m still alive. However, everything looks different. The lights shine bright and swirl and twist. We’re moving slowly. I look over at Cali. She’s standing on the seat with her arms outstretched. “I’m Queen of the Scrambler,” she says.

I feel so light like I could fly away. Chocolate-covered espresso beans appear. Float in the air. I grab and stuff my face, offer a few to Cali. She’s pre-occupied… reinventing the wheel. Literally. She has a wheel in her lap and a toolkit beside her. She’s a dream.

This is when I notice them: small elvish characters. Purple skin. Stripped to the waist. They all look like James Franco. They’re taking apart the mechanics of the ride. “Not cool, mini James Francos,” I say. “Write another self-critically acclaimed novel!” They don’t listen. Parts of the ride fly past. My heart beats faster and faster like hummingbird wings. “We’re gonna die! Again!” I shut my eyes and pray mini-Seth Rogens will show up and talk some sense into the mini-James Francos.

Time stretches.

“Open your eyes. You’re missing all the fun.” It’s Cali’s voice.

I open my eyes. WHOOSH! SNAP! Back in the present. Just in time to catch another car whipping at us. At the last second it turns away. If I survive I promise to devote my life to the lepers of the lepers of the world: actresses over 40 in Hollywood.

RATTLE.

“The safety bar’s loose. I’m sliding out!”

Cali laughs and LAUGHS.

“Wheeeee!”

I shut my eyes again and like Brontes the Cyclops who loses his contact and has shown up at Lenscrafter 15 minutes before it opens I must hold on and wait.

And wait. Wait.

“Hey Alan. Alan. You can open your eyes now. Ride’s over.”

I open my eyes and see Cali’s radiant face. It’s all good, Coffee Conscience says. You’re comin’ down. It’s like the space capsule has been opened and I’m stepping out. Then the embarrassment washes over me. I lost my shit in front of a beautiful woman.

“That was fun. I’d do it again,” I say. “I mean, not now, but, you know, another time.”

She hands me a card. “Call me.” Leaves with a small wave.

The card reads:

Dr. Carolina Mallett
Proctologist
416-87C-OLON
“No Fear”

Perfect. Because. I am. A no fear kinda guy.




Source link