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The Newborn’s Guide to Saving Up for Retirement



Welcome to the world, one-week olds! The best time to start saving up for retirement is immediately out of the womb—you are already a week late, so put down that pacifier and start becoming a stock market trader. This guide will give you the necessary financial tips and tricks to go from playpen play to 401k before you’re in pre-K.

Stop singing along to Barney’s “I Love You” for a second, and start singing Warren Buffett’s “123s of Saving.” First, streamline your budget. Only invest in one primary bib and one backup bib. Minimize spills and neatly eat Gerber products to avoid laundry costs. Do not drool on the bibs. Insist on an affordable minimalist stroller. You do not need a crimson red, gold plated, double-decker stroller in the shape of a Ferrari. Mom and Dad chauffeuring you around is more than enough royal treatment.

Cling onto your pacifier as if it’s your only one, because from a financial standpoint, it should be your only one. Do not toss it into fountains or out of windows. By naming your pacifier, you will create a personal attachment to it, so that you never lose “Binky.” Never let Binky go. Remember the fiscal repercussions of such a disastrous move. Purchase knock-off toys. That Derth Vared plush toy looks just as good as Darth Vader and your retirement will look even nicer.

Lastly, hire an unpaid intern to be your nanny; give them college credit, experience, and the vague promise of future business prospects.

Quit counting numbers with the Sesame Street Count and start learning the ABCs of Investing. Prepare yourself for the overseas job market, by watching Dora the Explorer in Mandarin and Spongebob Squarepants in German. You can never predict where your business will take you. While your parents might insist on going to church, make Shark Tank your religion. Learn it. Breathe it. Gurgle it back. Repeat.

Develop an exercise plan involving the bars on the crib to avoid future health care costs. Use your stuffed animals as punching bags and weight train with your Teletubby mobile. Hospitals are expensive right now, and you can be sure that they will be exponentially more expensive when you retire, so keep those little hands in prime shape. Furthermore, ensure Mom is providing her own milk; the breast milk market is expensive and every single dollar counts. Your future prospects are at stake if she buys elsewhere.

There’s nothing more fun than being an entrepreneur or a “funtrepreneur.” On average, sixty percent of companies fail, so you can’t wait until your twenties to start your first company. Start today by selling black market pacifiers to other babies at Mommy and Me. Have them pay you in toys and exchange those toys for money.

Let your toddler friends borrow money from your piggy bank and have them pay you back with interest. Give two-hundred infants loans and in ten years time, you will have enough money for college. If you need additional income, you can Airbnb your crib to other infants and sleep in your playpen. Make sure to charge them for the blanket, the mobile, and the cleaning fee.

With all these tips, you can put your bib away and save today. Quit watching Barney and start making money!

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